AIBU to think my 3-year-old isn’t being “mean” and that family should stop taking it personally?

[Emarosa]

DS has just turned 3 and the last few days have been really tough. He’s suddenly started really pushing my MIL away who has been staying here for the last week for his birthday. This includes things like telling her he doesn’t like her, that she’s hit him (I know this isn’t true) and that she can’t come in/ sit down etc) I can tell he’s overwhelmed, wants our full attention, and is craving some normality, but everyone around us seems to be taking it very personally.

DH is getting defensive on his mum’s behalf and pretty grumpy towards DS, and I’m being made to feel like DS is behaving badly or being “mean.” To me, it just looks like standard toddler big feelings, but it feels like no one else is actually listening to him or considering what might be behind it.

AIBU to think that at 3 years old he isn’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings — he’s just expressing himself the only way he knows how — and that the adults should stop taking it so personally?

Would love to hear how others have handled this.

A week is a long time to have any relative staying. 3 days is enough for most people. Your husband needs to understand that and put his son first. His behaviour is perfectly normal.

Of course he knows that what he is saying is unkind, that's why he's saying those things. I think you're doing him a disservice if you think he isn't being intentionally unkind and letting his behaviour go unchallenged.

Completely disagree. He’s telling them how he feels.

What do you do when he says “you can’t sit down” to MIL?

He’s clearly showing you that a week is too long for MIL to stay and he wants his home back.

Are you doing anything to help, given you’re seemingly aware of that? Can you take him out away from MIL for the rest of today?

When is she due to leave? At least you’ll know for next time that a week is too long.

At 3yrs old he is old enough to understand that some comments are rude, and that rude comments can hurt people.

I would pull him up on it every single time, whilst also being empathetic to his being overwhelmed. He needs to be told that it isn’t ok to say hurtful things, irrespective of how he is feeling.

I think he is being hurtful... saying she can't come in or sit down and actually making up lies are not acceptable and he needs it pointing out to him, in an age appropriate way that these things make people feel sad and are unkind.

That doesn't mean he's not being unkind. He should still be challenged on his behaviour at telling people they cannot sit down or pushing them.

Take DS out for a couple of hours just the two of you.

"Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days." - Benjamin Franklin

Aw you all stressed having them there or is she not great to him? Because he’s acting that way for a reason, but yes he still needs to be told he’s not being nice etc. I’d agree take him out/ reduce time with her or else go the other way and make time with her super fun!

At 3yrs old he is old enough to understand that some comments are rude, and that rude comments can hurt people.
I would pull him up on it every single time, whilst also being empathetic to his being overwhelmed. He needs to be told that it isn’t ok to say hurtful things, irrespective of how he is feeling.

This.

Good question. I’ve tried different things over the last week. Mostly talking about why and how he feels, but also about how what he says makes nana feel (sad). I’ve offered him time away, he and I have been out a lot together this week so he has some space.

This behaviour feels very new and I’m struggling a bit to get the balance right.

what would you do?

You can absolutely talk to him about "only kind words" and "words can hurt someone's feelings" etc.

But he does sound overwhelmed a bit.
Your husband sounds like toddler himself 🙄.

Remove him from the room every time he is rude and have the conversation.

Also ask him how he is feeling.
Ask him is he feeling the visiting is going on too long.

Help him understand his feelings and help him find the words.

Could you take him out for a walk.

Children's don't have a filter or know what way to process emotions.
He wants her to go home, he wants peace without DGM.
I'd tell him not to be mean, I'd take his toy for his behaviour, I'd also tell DGM to go home, DH needs to grow up.

He is behaving badly though, even if he is overwhelmed. He is not too young to be taught that saying some things is rude, mean, and will not be tolerated. You need to be on top of it.

I agree. I have a 3 yr old and she doesn’t get to say “you can’t come in” or “you can’t sit down” to people and have me brush it off as “well that’s just how she feels”. It might well be how she feels, and I wouldn’t dismiss that, but she doesn’t get to order people around and be mean. P

You are doing a lot of good things.

Time for consequences.
Remove him from the room and tell him he needs to have time away from everyone because he is being rude.

Exactly. 3 is plenty old enough to understand. You need to tell him that while you appreciate the house feels crowded, it's very unkind to say things like that to people and out of order to lie.
I have a 3 year old and would never tolerate that behaviour without challenging it.

You can’t have a three year old ruling the roost. I sympathise with his views on having a guest for too long but no, I wouldn’t allow or pander to that behaviour. It’s not up to him to start policing who you have in the house and when.

It sounds like he's getting a lot of attention when he is unkind so obviously he's going to continue to tell lies and say unkind things because he gets your attention and 1-1 time. Maybe it's time for some consequences?

I remember my son at 3, fetching visitors’ coats when he’d had enough - he’s a lovely adult now.

MIL & DH are taking it too personally, I’d not end the visit if I didn’t want to but would make more time for me and DS, encourage MIL and DH to grow up and manage their expectations, and not worry, it’s all normal.

So you’d just ignore his feelings?

I wouldn’t expect a 3 yo to be lying and telling his grandmother not to sit somewhere. It’s bad behaviour and you do need to nip it in the bud before he begins to treat other children that way too.

He's old enough to understand that what he's saying isn't kind and it isn't something I'd allow.