AIBU to think my 3-year-old isn’t being “mean” and that family should stop taking it personally?

[Emarosa]

DS has just turned 3 and the last few days have been really tough. He’s suddenly started really pushing my MIL away who has been staying here for the last week for his birthday. This includes things like telling her he doesn’t like her, that she’s hit him (I know this isn’t true) and that she can’t come in/ sit down etc) I can tell he’s overwhelmed, wants our full attention, and is craving some normality, but everyone around us seems to be taking it very personally.

DH is getting defensive on his mum’s behalf and pretty grumpy towards DS, and I’m being made to feel like DS is behaving badly or being “mean.” To me, it just looks like standard toddler big feelings, but it feels like no one else is actually listening to him or considering what might be behind it.

AIBU to think that at 3 years old he isn’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings — he’s just expressing himself the only way he knows how — and that the adults should stop taking it so personally?

Would love to hear how others have handled this.

It's a long time since I had a 3 year old and this was never an issue I had. I do, however have memories from that age. I remember being unkind to a doll (I know hardly the same) but I knew it was unkind all the same and I then felt sad that I had treated her badly. My point is 3 year olds know what's nice and what's not, so I wouldnt pander to this behaviour or look for a deeper meaning behind it, I would just treat it as a learning opportunity. I understand your DH feeling bad for his mum.

I agree with you that he's most likely trying to express that he wants her to not be there. He might have an abstract understanding that he's not being particularly 'nice' but he is three and doesn't have the cognitive ability to fully understand how he's feeling or express it. It's ok to validate him and make it clear that he can't be rude.

Sometimes people's expectations of very young children is insane. He's going to be learning about expressing himself and handling social interactions for many, many, many years yet.

At last somebody sensible with a comment. Thank you.

You have to ask WHY he is saying these things - he will have a reason.

Insane expectations? Not to behave like a piece of shit is an insane expectation?

To have the mindset of saying a three year old is anything like a 'piece of shit' is fucking insane, yes. He's 3 years old, what's you excuse?

Many toddlers thrive in a set routine. They don't react well to someone, even their granny, staying at home for longer than a few hours. They can be very territorial.

It's not much of an issue unless your DH makes it an issue. Toddlers grow up from this stage, and talking to them in advance about granny staying, making it a very exciting time, helps.

What mostly works is little ones growing up without drama in the family. Your son is only 3, little more than a baby, and is telling you he needs back his routine.

Your DH is way out of line. His first priority is "listening" to his very small child

Are you sure she hasn’t hit him?

My nephew is the same age and currently going trough a phase where he keeps telling any visitors (including me) to go home after about 5 minutes. I think he sometimes does it because he is tired and other times to get a reaction or to get attention away from the visitors and back to himself. He’s not being mean, it’s rational behaviour from his point of view. I’ve noticed it’s best to just ignore it and he’ll move on to the next thing. I think your MIL is not helping things by expressing hurt, he’s three, it’s just a phase. He’s just working out who his immediate family are.

He’s old enough to be taught that something is rude or unkind.

Would you be so understanding of a three year olds behaviour if it was from another child hitting yours and telling them they don’t like them and no one was telling them it wasn’t ok?

Is not calling a. 3 yo ‘a piece of shit, an insane expectation?

Or... he's expressing his feelings in the only way a 3 year old with limited vocabulary and understanding of his own emotions can.

I mean, the fact that some adults can't understand that shows just how difficult emotional literacy is for some people.

Especially when they're 3.

You should apologise to the OP for referring to her child in that way. Out of fucking order.

What that his granny hits him and he doesn’t like her? Yes, I would.

This.

he will have a reason. He is three, he doesn’t understand those things are rude particularly, he’s saying what’s in his mind. Your job as a parent as to inform him that those things are rude and unkind and we don’t say them. He then learns, he might do it again then he’s reminded again will understand as he gets older.

I think you’re doing all the right things, I think the problem is your husband and your mother-in-law Not understanding that three yr-old do not have the brains of adults

I really really really don’t understand all the posters that are saying your DH needs to “grow up…”. It’s just another way to say he needs to get over himself and not nice.

It’s got nothing to do with fucking growing up. It’s about him not understanding. Assuming this is your first child and you said this behaviour is new then everyone needs to learn

I suspect your DH is being influenced by your mother-in-law‘s tantrum about it which is why he is behaving like that. She however, probably can’t be educated on this.. It’s likely her attitude and expectations that created the model for your husband’s thinking.

I think it’s time to end the visit give your three y old a bit of time to breathe and then talk to him about how we behave. He’s learning he needs gently reminding each time until he gets it.

Good luck

Agree

Has MIL not picked up the hint and realised it’s time to let everyone have their normality back? I don’t mean it as blunt as it likely reads but my parents were always so attuned to things like this they’d have already packed and left!

He is a little boy with big emotions because his home is not how it was.
Is he saying upsetting things to MiL? Yes but hes not doing it to upset her. His feelings are telling him it would be better without her there (not personal) and how do uou get rid of people? You say you can't sit there (go away) or uou say I hate you (go away).

As pp have said a week is a long time. And having guests usually mean your behaviour, as adults, will change, which will possibly feel unsafe to him. Such as nana is here, mum/dad's behaviour has changed, therefore problem is nana coming.

He's 3.....3

but he's lying about her hitting him.

And OP seems to be giving him the message it's ok by not putting a stop to it.
She's going to feel really stupid if he goes into kindergarten and tells the staff somethin like that.

He is old enough to hear: that's not nice.
And definitely old enough to hear: that didn't happen. Lying is wrong.

He's definitely expressing some big feelings. Between a birthday (which in itself can be overwhelming) and a grandmother staying for now a week, it sounds like DS really needs to get back to his routine. It's ridiculous for your MIL to take this personally from a toddler; instead, she should take it as a hint that she has overstayed her welcome. I would using this as a teaching moment, though, to help your son work through expressing himself without being mean. I'd also take him out of the house to give him some breathing room. He may feel smothered.

At 3 I would be told off for lying if I said I'd been hit (when kindergarten teachers questioned the bruises etc). I wasn't lying. By 4 I'd learnt there was no point saying it.

Not saying your MIL did hit him, but unless she's never been alone with him for a minute, you can't KNOW. Nobody believed my relative was that sort of person either. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and follow the advice on here, but try not to fall into the trap of thinking you can be certain how people act when you're not around (her or anyone else).

first ten years of their life you’re basically teaching them how not to be an arsehole. That’s the job.

(heard that on a podcast yesterday and it’s so accurate)

You can't really let a 3 year old dictate your life.
Explain that Granny is here and that's kind of that. He does need to accept that grown ups arrange grown up things.
Is he the only child, as its usually probably all about him, and now there is a guest who also needs attention. Its a big change to have a relative to stay. You can prep fpr these things on the build up. Explaining what is going to happen and what is expected. Explain that he is part of the family and this is how we treat guests. Have him help with guest hosting so he feels part of it too. Like, bring a biscuit to granny or something small obviously as he is three.

Exactly, when my son was this age, he refused to say goodbye to grandad when he went home after a visit.

Not because he was being unkind but because, to his 3 year old logic, you say goodbye to someone and then they go home.

If you don't say goodbye then they stay.

Obviously, it doesn't work like that but that was the chain of events a 3 year old saw.

3 years olds don't understand or process things in the way that adults do on account of them being 3.