AIBU to think my 3-year-old isn’t being “mean” and that family should stop taking it personally?

[Emarosa]

DS has just turned 3 and the last few days have been really tough. He’s suddenly started really pushing my MIL away who has been staying here for the last week for his birthday. This includes things like telling her he doesn’t like her, that she’s hit him (I know this isn’t true) and that she can’t come in/ sit down etc) I can tell he’s overwhelmed, wants our full attention, and is craving some normality, but everyone around us seems to be taking it very personally.

DH is getting defensive on his mum’s behalf and pretty grumpy towards DS, and I’m being made to feel like DS is behaving badly or being “mean.” To me, it just looks like standard toddler big feelings, but it feels like no one else is actually listening to him or considering what might be behind it.

AIBU to think that at 3 years old he isn’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings — he’s just expressing himself the only way he knows how — and that the adults should stop taking it so personally?

Would love to hear how others have handled this.

No. I’d acknowledge them and talk to him about it. But I wouldn’t pander to them and give in to them.

There’s two stages to these events.

The first is to tell ds that what he’s saying is rude and upsetting for nana.
The second is for the adults to then not to take this toddlers behaviour personally and to give ds space.

Your H needs to grow up!

Our granddaughter, when she’s tired always wants me (we look after her one day a week). She will say to DH “No, I want granny” and push him away. Dh doesn’t get upset by this, he just brings Grandaughter to me!

I imagine he’s probably getting some positive reaction from OP too even if she’s unwilling to admit it. A child who knows that behaviour is wrong and receives a single message from both parents doesn’t keep doing it.

Thanks for all the comments. So helpful! I think I have been too soft.

We are out this afternoon for a birthday party, so hopefully that will be a good break for him.

I agree on the length of stay, but it’s complicated. MIL is older than most (75) and we live quite far away from her, so DS tends to see her less frequently but for longer spells of time.

That’ll be why your husband is defensive. My parents live far away. My husbands are round the corner. When my kids were tiny, I hated that the relationship they had with my parents wasn’t as close/involved and in the past I know I’ve been defensive about that. But now they are older they are super close. It’s just different but it’s not worse

Really? You'd end a planned family visit early on the back of a 3 year old? Stuff what the adults want if they do want the visit to continue

I wouldn't. I would acknowledge potential feelings of overwhelm but explain that grandma is here for her visit and staying as planned.

I'd say he's picked up on the fact that the adults think MIL has outstayed her welcome.

Yeah. People wonder why the behaviour in schools is out of control. This rubbish is why.

Exactly. I think the adults need to grow up a bit!

Small children are famously fickle. I'd say "oh that's not kind, that might make Granny very sad" but I wouldn't make a big deal of it.

He’s being rude and unkind and you need to tell him that’s not nice behaviour

Why are people talking to 3 year olds in long complicated sentences about feelings??
He has no idea why he feels cross but it's unlikely to have anything to do with your MIL.
"We don't do that/say that" and ignore any further rudeness.

Unless you are in a large house he's probably overwhelmed and ratty. He has to learn he can't be rude to her though.
Is she a bit full on and have you spent lots of days together? He's not been taken out of nursery to spend time with her or anything?

but everyone around us seems to be taking it very personally.

Who is everyone?

Don't be silly. He is 3. It is his way of showing he is unhappy. Maybe he has started a new nursery or had some change in his life. My grandson prefers my husband to me. I'm not lying on the bed crying over it.

I actually think it’s okay if he needs space from nana. I think if he’s trying to express this and everyone keeps pressing on about nana’s feelings it’s going to push him to more extremes.

He’s trying to implement a boundary: he doesn’t want nana to sit beside him.
You all try and push that boundary: it hurts nana’s feelings if you don’t let her sit there, you are being mean
He tries to establish the boundary as reasonable: nana hit me and made me sad, this is why I don’t want her to sit here.

As well intentioned as it all might be (nana trying to show love) DC is allowed to feel touched out and overwhelmed and not want more love from nana right now. It’s then all being made about Nana. Now his DF is mad because he’s being mean to nana. He’s literally just trying to say he wants space, his mum, and normalcy.

I think you need to let him know you understand and he is perfectly okay to set boundaries. He deserves to feel heard and his autonomy respected. He cannot lie about nana or be mean to her but saying “no” is not being mean. Needing space is not being mean.

Agree, what’s changed for him while she’s here? Is she sleeping in somewhere he’s normally allowed access to? Has much of his routine changed? Meals/playtime/activities?

Natural that he might be feeling overwhelmed with the change to his normal routines, but lying that she's hit him can't go unchallenged

Is he the same when your mum stays for a week? )Assuming she is alive and well- apologies in advance of not)

It's not silly to state that 3 year olds absolutely can be unkind. He knows that telling people she hit him and him pushing her are not ok but he's doing it because he's continuing to get a positive response of attention and time doing fun things with just mummy. It's ok to put age appropriate consequences in place for this behaviour.

At 3 he can and should be behaving better

don’t put up with it a 3 he doesn’t call the shots

Has he, or his things, been displaced in any way for her visit? Perhaps he is connecting her presence to changes he doesnt like. Also, Im not sure Id be so quick to disbelieve ds.

Yes to me unless there is a backstory some of these comments are just plain rude or nasty. He may not mean it, but he needs to start to realise that he can’t just lash out at others when he’s feeling overwhelmed. I draw a firm line at rudeness and disrespect and have always done so.

In this situation I would take him out of the room, and ask him why he said those things to his nanna. I would then explain that it’s not ok to make others feel bad just because we are in a bad mood, but say that if he is feeling sad or fuzzy he needs to find me and explain, so we can come up with a plan. I’d also say that unless he can be nice to nanna we’d need to leave or take some time out to do something quietly, like read a book or have a nap.

If he thinks he can do what he wants when he wants, even at 3, he’s going to find it difficult to make friends and start school. Plus this will only get worse as he gets older.

Again, I think it’s also highly likely he’s getting increasingly aggro with her because when he tries to establish a boundary or say he wants time with mummy, not nana, he’s getting pushback about how he’s hurting his nana. She becomes the focus and his feelings must change and he must only choose nana, be nice to nana, let nana push into the personal space he has asked for.

He is quite literally pushing back here. He said he didn’t want nana to sit beside him, everyone stropped and said he was mean and nana’s feelings were hurt. She sits beside him anyway. Now he is upset with nana and wants to push her away.

A normal adult response to a child wanting space/their mother would be “that’s perfectly fine I shall sit over here instead.” Making it about “say yes or nana will be sad” is a terrible way to go.

Agree 100%

If he's feeling overwhelmed/ smothered/ out of whack with his usual routine, it is all very understandable. You need to adjust the situation so he's feeling less fraught. However, even if you know where it's coming from and have some sympathy for him, you can't legitimise him being disrespectful to other adults. No need to blow things up, but he needs to be really clear that that behaviour is out of line.