AIBU to think my 3-year-old isn’t being “mean” and that family should stop taking it personally?

[Emarosa]

DS has just turned 3 and the last few days have been really tough. He’s suddenly started really pushing my MIL away who has been staying here for the last week for his birthday. This includes things like telling her he doesn’t like her, that she’s hit him (I know this isn’t true) and that she can’t come in/ sit down etc) I can tell he’s overwhelmed, wants our full attention, and is craving some normality, but everyone around us seems to be taking it very personally.

DH is getting defensive on his mum’s behalf and pretty grumpy towards DS, and I’m being made to feel like DS is behaving badly or being “mean.” To me, it just looks like standard toddler big feelings, but it feels like no one else is actually listening to him or considering what might be behind it.

AIBU to think that at 3 years old he isn’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings — he’s just expressing himself the only way he knows how — and that the adults should stop taking it so personally?

Would love to hear how others have handled this.

He's saying his grandmother hit him.

This isn't just he's telling her to go home. He's lying to the adults because at 3, he knows hitting is bad.

That's why OP's husband and his mom are upset. What were his consequences for lying? Well, his dad and grandmom are unhappy about his lying but they should just forget about that? He got to go to a party.

There's another thread now about a five year old (debatably) being rude to his granny too. There's quite a lot of support for the kid because the granny was being indisputably very annoying, so where is the line? The granny on the other thread was equally unamused but because the adults also find what she did annoying it's OK? Presumably something this three year old's granny is doing is causing the similar reaction but he's unable to express why and apparently it's part of the end of society as we know it. Who decides what, when and where the line is that allows children to express their discomfort with something an adult is doing?

This.
His butt would be on time out. He doesnt get to rule the roost

OP, is he only like this in his home/personal space? How is he getting on at nursery/play groups?

i know it’s hard pill to swallow when you seemingly good kid says this stuff and you don’t know where it is coming from.

saying how he feels isn’t wrong. Telling a lie is. He just needs help with the former (and that will come) and challenged on the latter in an appropriate way.

ps how did he get on with MIL before?

I’m surprised by how many responses this post has received and I’m grateful to everyone taking the time.

I’m going to try to sit in the middle in my approach. We certainly wouldn’t cut the visit short or let bad behaviour go unchecked, but with hindsight there are some things we could change for future visits and to better respond and prepare DS (the “don’t sit there nana” issue was only at dinner time, and I realise he may have just wanted his daddy in his usual seat next to him - quite fixable. I’ve spoken to him about the need to tell me if he needs to quiet time or just time with mummy and daddy, so he can ask instead of saying unkind things).

I’ve tried unpicking the “hitting” comment with DS. I genuinely don’t think he’d just make it up to be malicious or get nana into trouble, but it’s obviously something we’ll watch out for carefully. I suspect nana did something at some point that he didn’t like, and while she didn’t hit him, “hit” was the word he could reach for to describe it.

We always joked that we never had the terrible twos, as DS was the sweetest toddler and we never had many of the classic challenges. I think that’s why I’ve been quite shocked and unsure how to respond. He’s spoken a few times about a boy hurting him at nursery and I’m also worried about copying mean behaviour, as the change has been quite sudden.

Why are you negotiating with a three year old. Pull him up, sharpish.

The 5 year old on the other thread shouted it wasn't his fault when his grandmother was repeating herself multiple times to him about it raining. It's not even close to the same thing as telling someone you don't like them and lying about his gran hitting him.

Because the world’s gone bloody mad, I used to nanny, this is what middle class kids are brought up like.

Time out frowned upon now as well, world gone mad!

It’s a phase and with sensible measures will pass. I say sensible because accepting bad behaviour wont help but also dealing with it in a way that won’t make DS feel bad, just the behaviour. I think you got it OP.

Exactly and letting him get away with accusing someone of hitting him and not addressing those accusations could cause all sorts of problems going forward.

Really.
Giving kids a bit of time to think about things and calm down is now a frowned upon. Crikey.

i don’t think a 3 year olds brain is developed enough to recognise how his words and actions affect others. Especially if they are tired and hungry. Some 3 year olds can barely string a sentence together. Some 3 year olds never stop talking!

Oh yeah, this has been going on a while now. If you go to the really leftie middle class neighborhoods you’ll notice the kids are feral. This is why. I wasn’t allowed to give time outs as a nanny or use the word no, this was ten years ago, it’s worse now I’d imagine!

This. I remember my mum falling out with my brother & sister in law over little nieces behaviour at a prolonged stay. It eas exactly the same, they just ran out of steam after a few days. They were not 'evil' as described by my ma! No doubt they knew that they were being unkind.
This was over 35 years ago & was resolved quite quickly. Children need routine & the most enthusiastic granny needs to remember that.
You ought to explain to the child that he has been rude to granny & granny (unless she has been stunningly lucky) needs to remember that children can be ghastly sometimes

He is testing boundaries and the extent of his own power. He definitely knows telling people they can't sit down or that he doesn't like them is rude and unacceptable- so why are you accepting this.
Children at this age have to start understanding they are not the centre of the universe and the only individual that has needs- you are enabling him and he is becoming rude and spiteful- because you are letting him know he can get away with it. heavens alone knows what he would be like if you had the temerity to have another baby.

Your latest update makes absolute sense now of the don’t sit there comment. She was sitting in dad’s chair.

This^

Your MIL and your DH are idiots for taking things personally. The kid is 3. This is normal behaviour.

You seem extremely angry and judgemental about families. I wonder if perhaps you were not using time out appropriately and that was maybe why you were asked not to use it? I have no idea where these leftie middle class areas with feral children are but that is not what I see. I see beautiful families with lovely children who sometimes behave in a way that is unexpected. Mothers like the poster who are trying to unpick the behaviour and improve the situation should be praised not criticised. I do think child care has changed over the last 10 years, often for the better.
This article might help you understand why some professionals don’t like time out but others think that it can ( depending how it is used) be a useful tool.
https://themompsychologist.com/2022/03/02/do-time-outs-work-or-are-they-harmful-disciplining-your-toddler-or-preschooler-using-time-outs/

I actually understand exactly what @AleaEim means, and see it regularly. Middle class parents who allow their kids to run riot in cafes, restaurants, etc, behaving terribly with only the occasional interjection about "gentle hands", or "big feelings", or "bad choices" whilst they're making everyone around them miserable! For the love of god, put your skinny oat milk turmeric latte down and tell them "No!"! Being rude and obnoxious is not OK, and there has to be a point where the "gentle parenting" has to be less about the "gentle" and more about the "parenting".

Another example of a child feelings and demands being the no one priority. When he grows up the first time he isnt no1 and pandered to expect a meltdown. Why is a 3 year old allowed to decide how long someone can stay and be rude. What if he has a sibling? What if your circumstances change and you had to live with your parents. It is your job to allow him to manage his feelings and teach him that being rude isnt the way to go.

Now do I think they know that what they are saying is unkind ….. yes. Do I think they understand the gravity it what they are saying and the consequences of their words on others no, they are 3. However this is where your role of a parent come in. I’m all for taking the time to understand your little one’s feelings but you also need to acknowledge that their words and behaviour are unkind and rude and that does need dealing with at an age appropriate level. My 3 year old will say things like this to me, their older siblings, their dad etc often cos she’s trying to be funny, but she is told that it’s unkind, hurtful and trying to get them to understand actions/words said has consequences that’s our role to teach them to learn. Next breath, they’ll want their older siblings to play with them or get them a drink, and I tell them no because their feelings were hurt and theyvfontvwantvto play etc. it’s reasonable that at 3 they have big feelings and they are expressing them but also it’s understandable that their words have hurt others and they have big feelings too. I honestly feel that you are doing your child an injustice by making excuses and almost letting them ‘get away’ with it, it does need gripping it’s a life lesson that needs to be learnt.

Nonsense! His house feels wrong because someone is staying in it who is disrupting his routine and probably making demands on him to be affectionate etc all the time. It's forcing a 3 yr old to be a performing monkey. Mind you is sooner cut off a limb than have my mil to stay for week as she has this impact on my kids. Constant overblown attention freaks my eldest especially right out.
.on the other hand my sister comes to stay quite a bit and the kids adore it and adore her, she doesn't make demands on then, the house carries on as normal and they just have an extra adult they can go to as and when they wish.

My mil buys constant stream of unnecessary presents too while my sister doesn't and you'd think that would make mil the more welcome guest.

Even then a week would be too long

When we go visit our daughter SIL and young Grandson we stay in a B&B close by, that way his bedtime routine and early morning are kept as close to normal as possible meaning he has time to decompress from the excitement (which can be very tiring for any child)