AIBU to think my 3-year-old isn’t being “mean” and that family should stop taking it personally?

[Emarosa]

DS has just turned 3 and the last few days have been really tough. He’s suddenly started really pushing my MIL away who has been staying here for the last week for his birthday. This includes things like telling her he doesn’t like her, that she’s hit him (I know this isn’t true) and that she can’t come in/ sit down etc) I can tell he’s overwhelmed, wants our full attention, and is craving some normality, but everyone around us seems to be taking it very personally.

DH is getting defensive on his mum’s behalf and pretty grumpy towards DS, and I’m being made to feel like DS is behaving badly or being “mean.” To me, it just looks like standard toddler big feelings, but it feels like no one else is actually listening to him or considering what might be behind it.

AIBU to think that at 3 years old he isn’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings — he’s just expressing himself the only way he knows how — and that the adults should stop taking it so personally?

Would love to hear how others have handled this.

Your 3 year old doesn’t attend nursery? That seems strange. Funded nursery here is from 2 years 10 months.

So teach him that you can say mean things to someone and tell lies about them, but its ok because they will take you out and spoil you rotten in response?!

How about teach him that his words can make people sad and we don't tell lies? Its ok if he doesn't want to sit by grandma but he doesn't get to decide if she is there or not and everyone else wants to talk to and be with grandma.

@MrsSkylerWhitedo you even have kids. What an odd thing to say so confidently. Mine have been in school since 2yo and many, many kids go even younger

This behaviour can rapidly get out of hand. My niece started doing this around 3 (pushing people out of rooms, telling them they can’t come in, shouting at people to leave) and we all found it quite sweet and funny but now she still does it at 4 and it’s just kind of rude behaviour.

If he treats people rudely, is nasty to them, and lies about them hitting him, people are not going to want to be around him, much less spoil him with treats.

Yes, our children did attend part time nursery when they were 3, as did our grandson when he was 3. Unfortunately, it wasn’t generously funded back then!

Very different setting to school, where a lot of the children are still quite physical in their behaviour. It’s dealt with age appropriately.
Our grandson is now 5, in year one and such behaviour would be dealt with very differently now because the overwhelming majority of children are far more in control of their emotions and expectations are accordingly higher.

Did you really just say that about a three year old? I think I know who is the piece of shit and it isn't this small child!

Well he's clearly trying to express something but (understandably at age three) doesn't yet have the emotional or verbal dexterity to do this in a socially acceptable way. Do you really have no idea what his problem might be with his grandmother?

Even if he does have some kind of legitimate grievance you obviously need to be explaining to him that he can't be rude to granny (or anyone). However don't we all (particularly as women) now know and understand what it can mean and what can happen when a child is clumsily trying to tell us they don't want to be around a certain adult? I know what it meant when I didn't know how to explain why I didn't want to be around a certain male relative, and then of course no-one listened, they just kept telling me not to be rude and naughty so I stopped trying to tell them...

Obviously I'm not trying to suggest there's anything awful behind it in this case but I just thought we all know better now than to automatically dismiss children's feelings when they're clearly trying to tell us something, albeit badly. Maybe he is just acting up because he's struggling with the interruption to his routine, maybe he genuinely doesn't like granny. I don't think it's unreasonable that at three he doesn't know how to express this properly. You need to help him find a way to tell you what the problem is without being mean to granny. Yes, correct him when he's rude but don't just act like he's in the wrong. He's only wrong in the sense that he's too young and not yet developed enough to be able to communicate his feelings properly.

you need to be explaining every single time that it is unkind and this isn’t how you speak to people. At 3 they are like sponges and these are teachable moments not to be brushed under the carpet. Punishments obviously must be age appropriate but at a minimum he must be told a behaviour isn’t acceptable and apologise, potentially have a time out and/or toy removed for a set period especially if hitting involved. And you are loving parents for teaching him.

as an aside you are probably right that he’s had enough of granny, but he needs to learn now that he doesn’t get his own way on these things. He’ll learn fast, just make sure you are consistent

So when he says “you can’t some in/sit down” you are right that he’s a 3yo expressing his need for space.

However he is also being unkind.

He needs to have his feelings recognised but then also told if he wants space to go to X room, do x y or z etc.

Understanding the reason behind it is fine but allowing it to go unchecked and using it as an excuse is a slippery slope.

He does need to accept that grown ups arrange grown up things.

Having seen that OP actually kept him off nursery for the visit, I think maybe - in retrospect - that was a strategic error. Maybe they should have arranged some grown up things. Say had grown up days out and kept him in nursery Tuesday and Thursday so he didn't miss seeing his friends all week.

You could always change your minds last minute if he didn't want to go.

@MrsSkylerWhitemy kids are in a school, not a nursery. You may have not heard of some schools called prep schools where schooling does start at 2. In any case, there are many types of ‘school’ settings that start earlier than 3 as well.

Your DS is being rude and unkind.

He can have “big feelings” but so can the people he’s being rude too.

The bigger issue here, is he has said an adult has hit them, when they haven’t.

I would have pretty much “big feelings” if a child said this about me when it wasn’t true.

This behaviour is not ok. He is repeating it so clearly isn’t aware that it is not ok.

He does need to learn that his behaviour is hurtful. Imagine what it would be like if he was treating other children or staff in nursery like this? I would be rmoving him from the room, talking to him about making others sad with hurtful words or actions and say he can only come back in when he is ready to say sorry. You also need to talk to him about all the good things about having nana to stay.

Your DH isn't handling it well but you sound like a wishy washy gentle parent. 3 is perfectly old enough to be told that words hurt and he is being a rude little so and so.

You need to both correct lies and bad behaviour and give cuddles and reassurance. He needs to be told his granny is only visiting for a little longer, that she lives him and that we all need to be nice to her while she visits.

You sound like a real wet lettuce. He’s 3. Maybe try parenting him and tell him he’s not allowed to lie!

I'd buy you the biggest bar of chocolate and/or bottle of wine I could find because you're stuck in the middle!

After that I'd tell him that his behaviour is wrong, and look at how he can get space from his grandmother. This is one time when 'off you go to your room' might be a win/win. It's clearly disciplining him, but it's also getting him out of the situation and he's still small enough for you to be able to enforce it. It's a good life lesson to learn when to remove yourself and when you have to suck it up, but he's only 3 so you'll have to enforce it.

It's also the perfect time to think about how he's going to manage Christmas and build in 'just us time' in amongst the chaos. Your mum-in-law won't argue about it atm, so make the most of it!

Kidding aside, has his routine gone out of the window? If so, then he needs to get back into it because fun is wonderful, but at that age it really does turn to the old thing about 'tears before bedtime.' He'll kick off about it, because he's three and that's what three year olds do, but deep down inside he'll be relieved (and so will you because then you get to eat the chocolate and drink the wine.)

You need space too, and if that means taking recycling to the bin and loading the dishwasher then it's amazing how long that can take when necessary.

This.

He needs you to act on what he’s telling you.

Our children went to private nurseries attached to their independent schools. They were called nurseries. They then went into pre-prep for a year and then reception.

He's just turned 3, i.e. until very recently was a two year old - anyone taking these things personally needs to get a grip!
Yes make him aware when he says something unkind but I would be concentrating more on reducing the pressure on him, and gently reminding the adults of how to manage their own big feelings...

Maybe you just need to listen to your toddler

It sounds like your husband and his mum are of the opinion that children should be seen and not heard. But…your son doesn’t like spending all this time with her. Maybe having her stay over for long durations of time, is a bad idea. She’s basically taken over his birthday and he’s likely wanting a bit of space, if he doesn’t enjoy her company. If it was your own mum who was smothering your son in attention and your son didn’t like it, would your husband still get pissed off? Or would he think your mum needs to back off a bit?

It's not right but as an introvert I can understand him lol

I would think his routine has changed too much, maybe the food, not going to nursery, what's on TV, how much 1-on-1 time with parents he gets, bedtime routine... and it's upsetting him. I would suggest your husband takes MIL out for the day and you have a chilled normal day at home, then the next day send him to nursery, even for just a half day, then go out somewhere just you two for a couple hours another day, and make sure you do his normal bedtime routine and give him some downtime.

I would tell him it's unkind but also be aware that unlike an adult who felt like this ("there's someone in my house, they're taking my parents away from me, she's here for a WEEK (basically a year to a toddler)"), he's got no control or way to take himself out the situation, so you have to do that for him.

You're calling a 3 year old a 'piece of shit'? Are you out of your mind? I sincerely hope you are never around children.

OP I think your main mistep was keeping him off nursery, that in itself is a change in his routine, that combined with two new people in the house for an extended visit has obviously thrown him and his Dad being cross certainly has'nt helped. I think make sure he has plenty of space to do his own normal things, that he's not overwhelmed by too much conversation and enforced play directed at him, or that he's not left out because a room full of adults is talking. But of course correct him if he is rude and unkind 'of course granny can sit on the sofa' 'don't say that it's rude/unkind' and then move on and distract. He's 3, he hasn't yet developed full empathy, he hasn't learned how to express himself tactfully, small children are notoriously blunt. So it's a question of guiding him, talking about other people's feelings, but not necessarily expecting him to be socially perfect straight away.

And adults really shouldn't take it personally, they should be grown up enough to ignore or correct and move on. No one should bear a grudge because of what a very young child blurts out in a moment of crossness.

But op admits mil is respectful of lo's space...it doesn't sound like she is smothering.

I don't think having an aging parent and aunty to stay for a week is a bad idea...in fact I think its sad you think that, especially when op doesn't say mil is dling anything wrong. She describes her as lovely.

I get a 3 year old not wanting their routine to change too much, but that doesn't mean to say dh has to send his mum away. If the family had gone on holiday and 3 year old was saying they didn't like it and wanted to go home, would you expect the whole family to pack up and leave? I wouldn't, I'd work with them to try and manage the situation

It shouldn't be taken personally. There is no doubt a reason behind it. It is mean.
'Big Feelings' do not mean that nothing a child does is unpleasant, unkind or wrong and I think its fine (indeed important) call the behaviour (not the child) what it is.
You need a two pronged approach of telling him its not OK and reducing the triggers.