AIBU to think my 3-year-old isn’t being “mean” and that family should stop taking it personally?

[Emarosa]

DS has just turned 3 and the last few days have been really tough. He’s suddenly started really pushing my MIL away who has been staying here for the last week for his birthday. This includes things like telling her he doesn’t like her, that she’s hit him (I know this isn’t true) and that she can’t come in/ sit down etc) I can tell he’s overwhelmed, wants our full attention, and is craving some normality, but everyone around us seems to be taking it very personally.

DH is getting defensive on his mum’s behalf and pretty grumpy towards DS, and I’m being made to feel like DS is behaving badly or being “mean.” To me, it just looks like standard toddler big feelings, but it feels like no one else is actually listening to him or considering what might be behind it.

AIBU to think that at 3 years old he isn’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings — he’s just expressing himself the only way he knows how — and that the adults should stop taking it so personally?

Would love to hear how others have handled this.

But it sounds like dh and the other adults are ok with the visit continuing? And op admits that mil is respectful of 3 year old, gives him space and plays with him.

I don't think the visit should end because a 3 year old wants normality back. If he was fed up of being on a holiday, would you expect dh and op to pack up and go home to appease him? Because I wouldn't... I'd manage the behaviour.

I get that he is expressing himself. But I don't think ending the visit because he wants it to is the way to go.

I have a 3yo and I would absolutely call her out if she speaks like that. It is mean. How is your 3yo going to learn how to speak and words to use if you make weak excuses for him.

Little children take a long time to learn anything, let alone the complexity of social interaction. You just have to keep at it. And in the meantime, adults have to be adult enough to not take anything a 3 year old says personally. My LO has said a couple of mean things to me before. I showed him a sad face and told him it hurt my feelings, but in reality of course I didn't feel resentment over it. I'm an adult, and have been for 10 times the amount of years his brain had been conscious for.

but he has not been to nursery this week (we work full time and try to spend as much time as possible with him when we do have time off)

So he has been at home & with 4 adults possibly fussing around him?

My dad used to stay for a month & tbh it would have been too bad if it was too much for the kids!

He would very much blend into the background though.

Sit drawing/colouring, doing puzzles, assembling lego.

There was never any "oh you can't do that" or "you must do this" because GD was staying.

They went to kindergarten/school as usual & went to friends or had friends here as they wished.

At what age do you think it’s right that you stop telling people “how you feel” when it unnecessarily hurts their feelings?

Also she hasn’t hit him, and it’s not for the toddler to decide where adults can sit.

So yes he is voicing his thoughts, feeling and wants, but socket doesn’t work if we all go around doing that all the time. And age 3 is a fine age to start teaching children that, and for them to learn there are unhappy consequences of speaking to people like that.

Much easier to teach at 3 than 15, or even 20 once the entitlement and lack of respect has become habit.

Or, MIL goes home? I’d really hate to over stay my welcome, with any member of the family whatever their age.

And how are they going to understand and manage their emotions if they adults around them don't?

Honestly, there will be another thread somewhere tlaking about emotionally immature or stunted adults (usually men) and so many people can't see the connection between the two.

I'm not saying she should be sent home but talking to him about his feelings and giving him.words to understand how he is feelings and understand/express them and some reassurance is at least as important as managing his behaviour at this, or any, age.

When you have reasonable control of your emotions and a genuine understanding of consequence. Some 3 year olds just don’t have those, or the words to clearly express themselves. So they do so the only way they know how.
In this situation, two of the adults are being unreasonable. I’m a MIL and granny. I wouldn’t let it get to that stage by staying for so long.

He’s being purposely hurtful and lying - you need to pull him up on this every time.

exhaust and distract your kid - 3 is the age when they absolutely do understand rules and they start testing boundaries so you need to nip this behavior in the bud. its bad and it will only get worse if you don't

Oh please, children at 3yo know their words are unkind. If he speaks like this in school I can guarantee another child will be upset at being called mean. And how would another 3yo know this?
op should pull him up on speaking like that, but at the same time ask him to tell her why. You can’t just go around saying what you feel, and think it’s ok. They have to start learning at some point.

You're letting a 3 year old run your home.

You can talk to him about feelings and that they are temporary and have him sit with those but he doesn't get to tell people they can't come in a room and sit down. He can't be lying. He doesn't decide who visits and for how long.

You don't get to tell an adult how to feel about your kid being rude to them and lying about hitting them. WTF. Yes, they can take it personally when your kid says they're hitting them. That's a big deal.

I’m absolutely amazed the number of people who seem to think an adult should end her visit to her son because his toddler gets cross about it. He’s cross because he’s 3? He’ll be thinking about something else in a minute.

I remember getting cross about all sorts as a small child and even saying my granny had been mean to me because I didn’t want to go to her house. When my parents asked me whether that really happened I did say no!

3 year olds are not little princes who must have their every whim catered to surely. Giving him the blue plate if he wants it is a bit different from giving him the power over who is visiting and for how long. Absolute chaos otherwise, if I led my toddler decide we’d have the entire extended family living in our flat.

But how do you know you’re supposed to try and control that emotion if no one has ever corrected you for saying those things before?

I’m not saying the toddler should be punished, but he should be picked up and corrected for speaking to his grandmother (who has been invited and is seemingly being welcomed by the adults of the house - not outstaying her welcome) in that way. It’s not good enough to shrug off that you have big feelings so you can lash out.

Plenty of adults can’t control their big feelings either - doesn’t mean they should get a free pass either.

MILs son is allowed to have his mother to visit for a week fgs

He is being rude to his Gran. If he says his Gran can't sit down I hope you tell him not to be so rude and that Gran will sit down. If you enable rudeness you will end up with a British child. At 3 he knows full well he is being unkind.

My 3.5 year old is like this with my MIL as well, and we do explain to him that it’s rude, she’s come a long way to visit and he needs to be kind. Of course he then always cries and misses her once she’s gone 🙄.

At only just 3 he was barely talking though and I think yours is still on the younger side to understand, really.

My mantra is ‘It explains it, it doesn’t excuse it.’
I use this at home with my kids and with the children at school I work with (primary, including nursery.)

If they are doing something that isn’t ok, then finding out why is important. Once we know why, we can think
about options for helping them with it, whatever that looks like.
But it doesn’t excuse their behaviour and mean there’s no consequences.

A common one at school is a child hitting someone else. When you unpick it you find the first child did something (said something unkind, snatched a toy…)so Child B lashed out.
So you would tell Child B you understand why but that kicking people is not ok so they need a consequence (depending on age and school policy - our nursery usually have to sit out for a minute, not on a designated naughty step but just ‘out’ - sometimes even on your lap - really depends on circumstances and the child but enough to know hitting isn’t ok.)
But you also deal with the root cause - you speak to the other child too.
In this instance, you can explain his behaviour but it’s still not ok. You can’t just ask MiL to leave on the whim of a 3 yo. He does need consequences suitable for his age - he cannot speak to people like that.
I wouldn’t be too wordy with him but I would say that you can see he is cross but he can’t talk to people like this.

However, you also need to think about how to avoid the situations triggering it - are there specific moments? Can they be rejigged?
And yes, adults need to not take it too personally.
Again, it happens in school - children say it when they are frustrated - they just don’t have a lot in their toolkit to express frustration.

They can hardly understand so you need to step up as a parent

tell the child it’s not appropriate and they should apologise and then take them off somewhere to quiet down

They and your husband are being ridiculous to get hurt and miffed by what a baby says.

He is playing up as a response to their infantile reaction.

His Grandma needs to take him out for a big treat and spoil him rotten. All will then be well.

3 year olds aren’t in school.

I suspect that’s the last thing he would want.

You don't think that a child lying being physically assaulted is something that needs addressing?

I don’t know the answer but I notice you said this has been happening all week, so isn’t about your MIL being there too long.