AIBU to think my 3-year-old isn’t being “mean” and that family should stop taking it personally?

[Emarosa]

DS has just turned 3 and the last few days have been really tough. He’s suddenly started really pushing my MIL away who has been staying here for the last week for his birthday. This includes things like telling her he doesn’t like her, that she’s hit him (I know this isn’t true) and that she can’t come in/ sit down etc) I can tell he’s overwhelmed, wants our full attention, and is craving some normality, but everyone around us seems to be taking it very personally.

DH is getting defensive on his mum’s behalf and pretty grumpy towards DS, and I’m being made to feel like DS is behaving badly or being “mean.” To me, it just looks like standard toddler big feelings, but it feels like no one else is actually listening to him or considering what might be behind it.

AIBU to think that at 3 years old he isn’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings — he’s just expressing himself the only way he knows how — and that the adults should stop taking it so personally?

Would love to hear how others have handled this.

I would have been absolutely mortified if my child ever behaved like that towards their grandparents, or anyone, even as a toddler. You should be intervening and telling him that’s not how we speak to people.

I assume you are not planning more children, I don't think your little prince would like a baby who would get attention and cause disruption.

Hmmm. My friend's son was like this at this age or a bit younger. Mine weren't 🤷‍♀️ a young child shouldn't be shoving or pushing an elderly relative. You need to be very firm with this behaviour. Remove him from situation if necessary.

This might be a controversial opinion on mumsnet…. BUT here goes anyway..

I think @3hairspastfreckle you need to keep some structure on future visits from MIL & Auntie…. Not sending him to nursery all week when he’s used to going in full time is a huge change, so maybe on future visits still send him in for either half days or for either 2 or 3 days of the week (so Monday, Wednesday & Friday OR Tuesday & Thursday… just to keep some normality for him?!

now here’s the controversial part - I actually think children need to be allowed to say no, so if he’s kicking off about Nan sitting next to him…. Ask yourself why!…. If it’s because mum and dad usually sit beside him then stick to that routine if he prefers it, sit nan opposite instead…. If it’s because when she sits next to him she nags about how he eats? What he eats, how he holds cutlery or whatever then she needs pulling up and told not to nag him, it isn’t her place to do so…. Does she keep touching him/kissing him? If he doesn’t like it then ask her to stop … I think it’s crucial that our children know that NO means NO and that’s a two way street….. too many parents expect their kids to except no as an answer but don’t respect their child’s boundaries in return… I remember being forced to kiss old ladies in my family when I was little and walking away wiping drippy nose or dribble off my cheek as I walked away….. it was vile! Trying to enforce this boundary with my daughter has been tough because my mother has always expected my DD to kiss my nan, and even resorts to blackmail… give nan a kiss and I might have a little surprise for you…. Or if you don’t kiss Nanny I’ll take back your birthday presents/Santa won’t come/Easter bunny won’t come etc…. It’s horrible and it took bloody years of explaining to people that I wasn’t forcing my child to kiss/be kissed by anyone she didn’t want to kiss/be kissed by!!
Obviously don’t allow complete rudeness, so he can’t tell nan she isn’t allowed to sit down at all… BUT if he’s just saying he doesn’t want her sat next to him then I’d respect that… I choose who I sit next to when I sit up to eat.. why shouldn’t he?!
it’s not about letting him control meal times, it’s about respecting his personal space!

remember its SOOOO Important that we teach our children that no means no… that their bodies are theirs and they’re allowed their personal space and should also respect other peoples! We can’t just tell our children this… we have to SHOW them by respecting their boundaries!

I don’t think OP means he’s physically pushing her…. But ‘pushing her away with his words’….
however if a 3 year old physically pushing someone away, maybe we need to respect the child’s want not to be touched by that person? You have to very close to a 3 year old to be touched by them…
studies show that most of us want people to be a meter away from us.. ‘an arms length’ for us adults! Children haven’t yet learnt how to express why they feel uncomfortable with people being too close… so a ‘go away’ or a shove is all they know…it’s our job to show them how to express this boundary with nice words… without telling them that not wanting this person in their space is wrong!

so for example in OP’s situation teaching son to say ‘I’d like daddy to sit next to me’… or ‘that’s Daddy’s chair… ‘
but it’s also important adults are responsive and don’t dismiss kids boundary by saying ‘oh don’t be silly I’m sitting there today!’
mits so hard at 3 to express feelings… they don’t even know what the feeling is themselves… they’re just aware they don’t like it..

Absolutely! Children should not be taught manners by any relative and 3 year olds should definitely be the ones in charge of any seating plan...

Thank you for sending me this article from an armchair psychologist, I actually now work in the child psychology sector but you wouldn’t want my evidence based advice would you, only parenting advice from social media will do for people like yourself.

And yes, after nannying in the UK for 5 years and in a different country prior to that you become rather fed up and judgemental of middle class parenting in the UK. I couldn’t believe when I moved here and witnessed a 7 year old repeatedly push his grandmother because she wouldn’t carry his bag (not my mindee thank god), one of my ex mindees hit me while the dad watched on, he did nothing but a half arsed, ‘that’s not nice,’ Then towards the end of my nanny career, I worked for non British families and the children were polite, disciplined, well mannered. It does make you wonder.

Above post was responding to @JillMW

Exactly. This reminds me of when I was out with a friend who has a lovely, sweet natured 10 year old boy, she’s of a non white background where parenting is very ‘no nonsense.’ We were at a park and three little girls much younger than him started teasing and play fighting but in a very irritating and quite full on way. My friend called out to ask them to stop hitting twice. One parent eventually surfaced, with their ‘gentle hands’ crap and my friend shouted out ‘no hands.’ The darling parents didn’t know where to look, don’t think they were ever challenged or called out before.

Thank goodness some parents with a common sense attitude. You can't expect a child to get away with bad behaviour at a young age because you make excuses for them then suddenly expect better when they are older. Absolutely agree kind hands can be misinterpreted by a child. No hands no hitting is easy to understand.

No - he’s being rude and you’re his parent so you need to kindly correct his behaviour.

this is of course upsetting to MIL and husband. Wether it’s personal or not. You can’t just let your child be rude and hurt people’s feelings. That’s what being a parent is. Obviously be there for DS too and make him feel understood and valued, but don’t just shrug off his behaviour as ok.

I couldn’t agree with this more. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and by enabling it it’s encouraging a child to think they’re the centre of the world and no-one else matters.