AIBU to think my 3-year-old isn’t being “mean” and that family should stop taking it personally?

[Emarosa]

DS has just turned 3 and the last few days have been really tough. He’s suddenly started really pushing my MIL away who has been staying here for the last week for his birthday. This includes things like telling her he doesn’t like her, that she’s hit him (I know this isn’t true) and that she can’t come in/ sit down etc) I can tell he’s overwhelmed, wants our full attention, and is craving some normality, but everyone around us seems to be taking it very personally.

DH is getting defensive on his mum’s behalf and pretty grumpy towards DS, and I’m being made to feel like DS is behaving badly or being “mean.” To me, it just looks like standard toddler big feelings, but it feels like no one else is actually listening to him or considering what might be behind it.

AIBU to think that at 3 years old he isn’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings — he’s just expressing himself the only way he knows how — and that the adults should stop taking it so personally?

Would love to hear how others have handled this.

There is a fail safe method for connecting with toddlers. Treat them like cats.

Your MIL needs to start doing something very interesting in front of him, like building a block tower or similar, and completely ignore him.

Works every time, including where smothering fails.

It’s perfectly understandable that a 3 year old has big feelings and for them to be acknowledged. It is not ok that he tells lies about and is rude to his GM - this absolutely needs to be corrected. You can do both.

I wonder if GM is taking it personally because the bad behaviour is going unchecked.

Exactly. Or when he starts shouting at your friends to leave because their presence inconveniences him.

Is 3 really a toddler though?

But he’s not just saying he wants his mum, he’s saying he doesn’t like his nanna and lying that she hit him. This goes much further than needing a bit of space. Agree that I wouldn’t hit the roof and I’d try to give him some space/ encourage him to find other ways to express himself but he’s got to start learning that lashing out and saying mean things and/ or lying isn’t the solution.

I think even on this thread there are so many different approaches suggested. I agree with all this, and it’s what I’m really mindful of and have tried so hard to avoid. However, equally I hear all the comments about being clear about the feelings being okay but not the lashing out/ being unkind.

I understand the comment about not disbelieving DS, but if you met MIL you’d understand why I’m so sure she would never hit him. She’s the most loving person and she’s quite respectful of his space and plays with him lots.

It’s MIL and great aunty (80) here at the moment. It hasn’t affected his eating or sleeping arrangements, but he has not been to nursery this week (we work full time and try to spend as much time as possible with him when we do have time off)

Have you explained to your child that it's wrong to lie about people hurting him? Your child also has to learn not to be rude to people if you keep letting him do it it will get worst, it seems that he's getting a lot of attention for his negative actions.

My LO says he doesn’t like a food when he actually does but he just means he is full (for example will eat most of his dinner then days he doesn’t like it), or he doesn’t like a show when he just means he wants something else at that time.
also when he is upset he only wants me and will tell everyone else to go away - we are trying to teach him how to say he needs some alone time, or he’s had enough etc but his words don’t always truly articulate how he is feeling or what he is trying to communicate.
we still teach him when things are not nice to say etc and help him find the right words or other ways to say something.
so yes while I think your son needs to learn it’s not nice to say these things, I think he also needs help learning to articulate what he is feeling or what he needs etc.

No school behaviour is out of control because of parents reactions to rude behaviour (oh hes just having big feelings, never mind), if he is allowed to be rude to his own nana then why wouldn’t he be rude to a teacher.
Kids obviously have these big feelings but they also need to be taught how to deal with them respectfully, now we have teenagers getting pissed off with teachers etc and acting out because they are brought up to be allowed to have these big feelings with no consequence to how they express them, we basically have teenage toddlers because we don’t teach them that while its ok to have these feelings its not ok to be rude about them.

No. They stop being toddlers when they turn 3. It’s 1-3 but not inclusive of 3. That’s the widely accepted definition and what I was taught when studying child development.

Sorry OP but it’s bratty behaviour that needs nipping in the bud before he starts doing it to other children or adults.

Yes sorry that’s what I meant. I was agreeing with whale and snail. But I can appreciate that was perhaps not clear.

But he is though. He knows hitting isn't a nice or an acceptable thing to do and he's purposely telling people his nanna has hit him. For the very reason of making nanna look unkind as he wants her to leave. He knows those emotions.

there's a balance here OP. 3yo can have boundaries and can and should have space away from her if he's getting overwhelmed. But he also needs to be told this behaviour isn't acceptable. These raw organic gentle hands deep breathing non disciplining earth mums commenting saying let your child rule the roost are the reasons so many kids misbehave in school now.

Except the part where his Grandmother is hitting him, he needs pulling up on that and being taught to understand lying, especially where he's accusing someone of physical contact, will not be tolerated.

This thread reminded me of this https://www.youtube.com/shorts/KZcB-lKoK7c

My son has ASD and is 8 now, but when he was younger and we visited family, suddenly he'd disappear into the hallway, come back wearing his shoes/coat and saying 'me done me go home' 😂😭

It’s too much for him. It’s a shame they live far away but if you want to do longer visits with them, they need to stay elsewhere, or you stay near them. I’d keep him in nursery, too, to give him some normality. I appreciate why you didn’t, but that’s a major, major disruption to his routine. He’s 3, he’d almost definitely have seen his friends at nursery and played games than spent the week with elderly relatives.

You don’t need to condone the comments and I’d pull him up on the hitting thing, but he’s been clear that he doesn’t want to be MIL, he doesn’t want to be in the room with her or have her sit next to him. Those are not unreasonable demands. He is allowed to say no. He is allowed to have boundaries.

My one year old might say these things and I would tell her “granny can sit wherever she likes”. On our own later I would let her tell me if she’s fed up with granny etc and sympathise but I’d remind her that it’s not nice to say XYZ to people.

3 year olds are definitely old enough to understand how to be polite and as a pp has said he’s choosing to be rude so it’s up to op and her husband whether they want to let it go unchecked, I suspect OP’s husband worries his wife is being soft as she agrees with their son.

Continue to to tiptoe around him, making a rod for your own back. No 3-year old (if mentally normal) should be difficult. No time with a 3-year old should be 'tough time'.

What a wee jerk! I can’t imagine you’d allow him to speak to your mother this way but somehow because it’s your MIL it’s excused as “big feelings”.
it’s absolutely not ok for him to do this and you need to ensure you are extremely apologetic to MIL and chastising him each and every time he behaves this way.

“Mostly talking about why and how he feels, but also about how what he says makes nana feel (sad)“

This is an adult response. He will not be able to reflect on his feelings or conceptualise all this. SHOW him how you behave kindly by being nice to MIL “Oh I love sitting next to Nanny” etc and if he tells a lie say firmly “I don’t believe you” - you gotta be unequivocal with kids IMO!

Well maybe he didn’t know visitors were coming, maybe he didn’t realise he’d be stuck in with them instead of his usual days at nursery. Are DM and DH the same when they are here or is there a bit of tension or pressure to give the rellies a nice time. Certainly Normal Routine seems completely changed.
I would get the play doh ,plasticine, crayons out and ask DGMs to make/draw a giant snake! Or make a lego car.

First, are you absolutely certain she didn't hit him? Just checking because it's not an impossibility if he was being rude or difficult and you were out of the room that someone would default to the way they parented or were parented.

Second, yes you need to be working on teaching him that sometimes you need to be polite and wait it out. Show him how to count the days to the end of the visit, so he knows what to expect. Tell him the things that will be happening on the different days. And yes, if he continues to be rude after explanations and instructions some calm consequences may be required.

Third, come on Granny, time to charm him so he doesn't want you to leave. I like the PP's suggestion of treating like a cat - to the "do something interesting while entirely ignoring him" suggestion, I would add food. Could she take him out for ice cream, or offer to do baking with him or something?

I think at 3 it’s important to tell/remind him that what he’s saying is unkind. Not in a really harsh way but he won’t learn if he’s not taught. That said, he’s 3, he’s not being deliberately mean, he just wants some normality back and maybe some space. And grown ups around him need to not take things so personally.

like I said - it has went further because his boundaries were ignored in favour of his nana’s feelings. They kept pushing him and telling him he was mean for wanting space and right now to him Nana IS being mean by pushing into him when he’s asked for such.

Obviously the lying is wrong but he’s lashing out because he isn’t being heard.