Devastated over not being invited on group holiday

[Findmrcrumble]

For several years now myself, my now ex-husband and 3 other couples have had a little tradition of going on a mini weekend away over the early May bank holiday. It’s always a lot of fun, a weekend where we get to go out late, eat lots, sunbathe and drink without the expectations of parenting.
In July my husband and I split and we are now getting divorced. Neither person actually did anything wrong, we just realised we weren’t happy in the marriage.
Today one of my friends very cautiously told me that they have decided that they don’t want to be seen as taking sides as we are both still there friends so it’s probably better if neither of us come this year. I have already said to the group that I wouldn’t mind going and my ex being there, we are co-parenting well etc. but apparently he doesn’t share that sentiment and thinks it would be odd in the context of a group couples trip. I understand this and I get why he doesn’t want us both to go. However I can’t help but feel like since it is him who doesn’t want us both to go that shouldn’t stop me going?
It’s really hurt me as I get so much joy out of this little group trip and these are my closest friends.

AIBU to be hurt I’m not invited?

I sympathise OP. I’m recently divorced and it’s hard enough without also losing out on events like this you enjoy and would like to still be a part of.

i don’t think it’s malicious on your friends’ part, i can see it is awkward for them, but I do think it’s thoughtless.

It's understandable you are upset, but as its a couples holiday I also understand why they wouldn't invite you. Why don't you try and sort something with just the women in the group later in the year and start a new tradition?

I can absolutely see why you feel the way you do.

I can also see why it’s be a strange dynamic to invite either both of you, or just one of you, on a couples holiday.

I suspect it’s sadly one of those things that went down with the marriage.

Very thoughtless and a complete lack of pragmatism from them. They should have just invited you both and allowed you to decide. They have handled this very badly and I hope you find a group of people who are worthy of your friendship soon.

This is what happens I’m afraid. Been there.

I think devastated is a bit much, but I get why you're disappointed. That said, I can also understand the other couples being reluctant to include a now separated couple.

Looks like you’ll be loosing this group of friends.

They can’t not take sides if one of you wants to go and one doesn’t so they say you can’t go.

Thats taking sides. He doesn’t want it to happen so they are saying it doesn’t happen.

I don't think they're being unreasonable.

Because effectively if they say to you come, they're excluding him. You can say that's his choice, but they will know that if they say to you to come that he won't, so they will feel like they're excluding him.
That will make them feel awkward, and not make for a comfortable time on holiday.

Maybe in future you could suggest you take turn and turn about, however I can also see how it might be awkward if the others are all in couples, and I think the first year isn't perhaps the right time - unless you could offer to step back this year on the provision you go the following year and he doesn't.

Alternatively set up your own tradition that the women go and do something else together. It's then on him if he wants to set up an equivalent for the men.

Ive seen this happen a lot in divorces I'm sorry to say OP. You may find yourself having to find another friendship group.

As they already seemed to have picked a side (he said he doesn't want it to happen, so it's not happening) I'd get prepared for next year when he and his new girlfriend will be invited, but not you.

It sucks but it's frighteningly common.

The holiday has always been you/your ex and 3 other couples, and clearly now you and your ex have split up, the dynamics have changed. That's no one's fault, it's just circumstances. You can't expect to go on holiday with other couples, you will be the odd person out and it could be awkward for the other couple's. It's understandable that your ex didn't want to go, you may be co-parenting but you are no longer a couple. Sadly, I think both you and your ex have to accept that this part of your life, isn't going to be continuing. Nothing wrong in you seeing these couples but it's not going to be in the same circumstances any longer. It's the same if you started dating again, and so did your ex - it would be very awkward for you both to go on these holidays, and bring new partners. Like I said, the dynamics have changed.

I found my couple friends to be quite amazing. I’ve been invited solo to all the big birthday dinners and parties. I wouldn’t expect a couples weekend as a third wheel and I wouldn’t enjoy it as it’s a different dynamic.

My tip is to go when invited to events and maybe invite the women of the group to a weekend away in a UK city.

YANBU to feel hurt but they're not BU either.

This is one of those things that you miss out on when you get divorced, unfortunately.

It's a couple's trip. A seven doesn't work and it'd be weird if you both went. Surely you can see that makes it uncomfortable for the others, regardless of how it makes you feel? Or is it only your feelings that count? I would try not to take it personally. The same would apply if any of the other couples were in the same position.

I understand why you are feeling disappointed/upset but they are not being unreasonable and they have explained their reasoning before booking.

It would be so awkward if you were both there and I’m not sure 7 would work on a couples holiday.

Who put them in charge??

She can be devastated if she wants... her marriage is over and the trip was clearly one she loved.

Agree 💯. The H’s friends tend to stick with him, if they were the woman’s friends, it generally works the same.

they don’t want to be seen as taking sides as we are both still there friends

fair enough, what else do you expect them to do?
You are not a couple, why would you think you'd be invited to a couples holidays, that's awkward.

You'll see them on other occasions.

I am guessing they are organising, so they are free to invite whoever they want.

Nothing is stopping the OP from organising something else.

Well it’s a group trip, so of course they get a say on who gets to go. You can’t just invite yourself on a group trip, if they would all prefer I’m not there then I don’t go, if only one person would prefer I’m not there then I’d say that person doesn’t go but clearly they’ve decided amongst themselves that they’d rather it’s just the 3 couples.

Not unreasonable to be hurt, but you are now a single woman, so you will be left out a lot.
STBXH will be included to many things.
It's shit, but it's what happens IME.
You'll be included if they want a favour but not otherwise.

I’m really sorry you’re hurting end I totally get it but I do think YABU expecting to still go.

I’m not sure whether they fall under being my friends or DHs friends. One of the men worked with DH, one of the women worked with me, we introduced them to each other, then 2 of their friends joined and their spouses.

If you are ok with your ex then surely you just agree some sort of system with him so you can both keep up with friends separately and when things like this come up just take it in turns to go along. You go this year, him next. Worked well for
me in the past and also allows you to introduce new partners to the group if and when the time comes in a sensitive manner.

Yep, this is the reality of being divorced I’m afraid OP. Single women get left out a lot, sometimes because they’re seen as a husband-stealing threat to the married women in the group. Weirdly, divorced men don’t seem to face the same issues - probably because it’s the women who usually organise the socials and don’t mind a single guy/their H’s friend joining.

Speaking from experience, your weekends and holidays are about to get a lot emptier I’m afraid - sorry. Best to find a new group of friends/hobby.