Devastated over not being invited on group holiday

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For several years now myself, my now ex-husband and 3 other couples have had a little tradition of going on a mini weekend away over the early May bank holiday. It’s always a lot of fun, a weekend where we get to go out late, eat lots, sunbathe and drink without the expectations of parenting.
In July my husband and I split and we are now getting divorced. Neither person actually did anything wrong, we just realised we weren’t happy in the marriage.
Today one of my friends very cautiously told me that they have decided that they don’t want to be seen as taking sides as we are both still there friends so it’s probably better if neither of us come this year. I have already said to the group that I wouldn’t mind going and my ex being there, we are co-parenting well etc. but apparently he doesn’t share that sentiment and thinks it would be odd in the context of a group couples trip. I understand this and I get why he doesn’t want us both to go. However I can’t help but feel like since it is him who doesn’t want us both to go that shouldn’t stop me going?
It’s really hurt me as I get so much joy out of this little group trip and these are my closest friends.

AIBU to be hurt I’m not invited?

WTF?!?! Op is their friend, why would she "be hanging around like a gooseberry". Is this really how people think? That their mates have now value unless they are in a couple? Yuk.

I sympathise with you. I noticed I lost quite a few friends after my divorce. People feel awkward and usually want to be around other couples if they are a couple. Sorry this has happened, but it is very common.

Nah. Couples holidays are not for newly divorced people still in the "I'm so cool with it all" phase of the divorce, or for any single people. Her couples friends are not her group therapy and are entitled to enjoy their holiday free of her stresses and without trying to painfully pretend it's not super weird now.

Being honest and realistic is always far better than faux outrage and melt downs, I find.

It's no big deal. OP can find some single friends to pal around with, or organise a girls holiday and not try to gooseberry in on a couples group.

Not everything is for everyone.

C'est la vie.

I sympathise but they made it clear that they weren't going to invite either of you to stay neutral. Whether you agree with that or not, that's their decision. You tried to find a way around it, but, at the end of the day, it's up to them. I understand your ex not wanting to go with you as there's the possibility of awkwardness and friction and, frankly, not that many people would want to holiday with an ex no matter how amicable their relationship is - or with a couple who had split up.

I actually think they have been pretty decent, although not sure how sustainable long term it will be. It seems to be common for some joint friends to then 'drop' one of the couple after a split.

OP, I am...appalled to read all these people who say it's fine to not include your friends once they are single. My friends are a real mix...single, married with a partner who lives elsewhere, and couples. We've been on holidays with al sorts of mixtures of them. Not all friends are useless

I understand why you feel disappointed. This is what happens when couples split up. Single ones don't get invited to couples things.

I think that since it's a couple's trip, then they want to keep it a couple's trip.

You need to make friends with women who are now single and have trips with them.
A single person on a couple's rip would be weird for many people. Maybe that is how the couples in this case feel.
More than a marriage ends with a divorce.

Did you ever socialise with anyone from the group without your partner in tow?

or was this a group whereby every single
time you got together… it was both of you present?

I’d say his friends given he got the outcome he wanted

I personally wouldn't want the awkwardness of a in-divorce couple coming on a couples holiday, or indeed a singleton tagging along on a couples holiday.

This.

I found losing friends and family like this the worst thing about getting divorced.

Many of my friends still have dinner parties and don’t invite me as I’m single.

This sounds lovely and truly inclusive.

It shouldn’t matter whether people fit the nuclear idea of couples etc. Aren’t we all people in our own right? You shouldnt have to find a new group of female friends just because you’re divorced.

I for one don’t want to just socialise with women, especially if the men were my friends too. I find it boring.

I wouldn’t want to go on a group holiday with a very freshly (might not even be yet) divorced couple. It would be extremely awkward. These people are your friends, but you are no longer a “friendship group” with your exH.

To be honest I sympathise with their dilemma immensely and I had an awkward situation myself 2 years ago that was extremely similar. If they hadn’t booked it yet I think I would have been tempted not to organise a trip at all this year if I was the friends. Or suggest a girls/boys trip instead.

It’s really hard when a couple in a friend group splits up as the friend group gets lost too. They are also probably feeling sad about that and looking for ways to navigate.

I don’t think they have handled it particularly well but I don’t think they have been unreasonable necessarily.

I would also suggest that actually, they are neither yours nor your exH’s friends. They are each other’s friends and they have included you as a couple which might be why it feels easier for them to go away without you.

FWIW my main friend group is 3 couples and one single man. It is fine but we do wish we had an 8th person sometimes

The quickest way to lose your friends is to be awkward about things like this. They’re trying very hard to keep things fair and both friendships going. It’s difficult for everybody and if you make it harder for them, you might find yourself edged out which is exactly what you don’t want.

There’s a lot of kick people when you’re down people here- imo unfortunately they just thought they were being fair- nothing to do with them never seeing you again or thinking you’d steal their husbands or anything like that- they just didn’t want to leave one person out or take sides. Yanbu because it is horrible for you but at the same time they were stuck between a rock snd a hard place. Sorry op, breaking up sucks x

This is mumsnet where people don’t answer their door or have many friends at all so don’t listen to all this nonsense saying couple friends think you’re going to steal their husbands or be a gooseberry. I think they are all trying their best not to exclude one of you, so thought it a better idea for none of you to come this year.

It’s their childfree break so guess they don’t want to risk any weirdness if you both went or excluding the other if only invited one. I’d tell them you’re very upset about it, but understand where they are coming from. Not worth losing their friendship completely as they are doing their best to keep you both as friends.

It’s one of those things that comes with the circumstances unfortunately. They're not being unreasonable. It’s understandable why you’re so upset. Our relationships are never so simple, they have tendrils that reach far and wide and having to sever these is a painful but necessary part of the process.

Instead of dwelling on that, think of new beginnings and start something new and exciting with another group. Your options are endless. Take care.

Nah.

"You can't sit with us!"

I'll be fucking off the lot of them.

You should have both been invited, then it’s up to you if one or both of you wanted to go. I’m sorry op, this is poor.

Yeah, it’s weird isn’t it? Our friends are getting divorced (amicable) and we see them as much as ever, often together sometimes separate but we leave it up to them- they’re invited to everything and they invite us. They’re still our friends and I’d miss them!

After my divorce I went single (sometimes with kids) to tons of couple/family things. No-one ever blinked an eye, I just got invited to everything. Everyone was completely used to me being single, then they later embraced my now husband and we go together.

They were my friends not his though.

So I think the issue is, as they say, they don't want to pick sides and they're trying to be sensitive.

If you're on good terms with your ex, you could talk to him about it as a general topic, then your friends don't need to feel awkward about every event in future.

You've got divorced, not caught leprosy.

i found my friendships really strengthened post divorce. My three closest friends were the most incredible support. Mind you, they were very much my friends pre divorce.

I don’t get the comments about the ‘dynamic’ being affected by a single person on the trip. What, is it keys in a bowl or all dry humping on sunbeds? I just don’t get it. They’re all longstanding friendships.

Their behaviour is very transactional. Are they precious people? Like really good people who only like tidy situations? Are they really your friends? I would be grateful to be rid of the whole lot of them. They are not standing up for you and you are still being controlled by your ex's choices. Good groups of friends should include the dazed and confused, not just the coupled! Very precious of them to exclude you.

I don't see why some are saying that the ex has had his way. They both want to go. Neither has said they would duck out this year to make the space for the other and so neither of them are going, neither of them have they outcome they want.