Devastated over not being invited on group holiday

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For several years now myself, my now ex-husband and 3 other couples have had a little tradition of going on a mini weekend away over the early May bank holiday. It’s always a lot of fun, a weekend where we get to go out late, eat lots, sunbathe and drink without the expectations of parenting.
In July my husband and I split and we are now getting divorced. Neither person actually did anything wrong, we just realised we weren’t happy in the marriage.
Today one of my friends very cautiously told me that they have decided that they don’t want to be seen as taking sides as we are both still there friends so it’s probably better if neither of us come this year. I have already said to the group that I wouldn’t mind going and my ex being there, we are co-parenting well etc. but apparently he doesn’t share that sentiment and thinks it would be odd in the context of a group couples trip. I understand this and I get why he doesn’t want us both to go. However I can’t help but feel like since it is him who doesn’t want us both to go that shouldn’t stop me going?
It’s really hurt me as I get so much joy out of this little group trip and these are my closest friends.

AIBU to be hurt I’m not invited?

Some of these responses are really quite odd and very dramatic. Not going on this trip doesn’t mean her friendship group is over, she doesn’t need to find new friends, and I’d bet good money her friends don’t think she will try to steal their husbands either.

op, simply four months in this is very awkward for everyone. And they are still finding their footing in how to handle the new dynamics.

im surprised you’d still want to go on a couples break with your ex., that would be incredibly awkward, as evidenced by him saying no, i think you’re thinking more about the fact you want to go rather than the reality of it. Everyone else is thinking of the reality of it.

we have a couple in our group who divorced, it was incredibly awkward, so we took it in turns to invite them to group events, as in one came to one, the other came to the next and so on.

The male wanted us to invite them both together to events, saw no reason why they could not just both go, and the female was a complete no to that , but he wanted them to get back together and she would rather have chewed her own arm off than get back with him. It was pleasant for the kids between them,

we did do a weekend away with them both, at a festival, not long after they split, as the tickers were bought and paid for, and it was a terrible idea, never to be repeated, as he kept trying to be very friendly to her, whilst she wanted him to fuck off to the other side of the moon, so we ended up spending a lot of time in little groups so they were apart.

No, don't do that. They clearly don't want OP to come, so it's either guilt trip them into acquiescing or make the situation even more awkward by forcing them to repeat that she's uninvited. Why would anyone want to go on a holiday knowing the other members of the party preferred them not to be there?

OP is totally reasonable to be upset by this situation, but what she needs is to accept it going forward and think about how best to ensure she still sees this group socially.

Hi OP ..
I kinda agree with you being honest 🤷🏻‍♀️..
You don’t have an issue with your husband going but he feels it awkward , which is fine too , but I think you should be able to go then , it’s not like it was just you & your husband & one other couple , which obviously would be third wheel , it’s with 3 other couples, that’s quite a few people, can’t see how it makes any odds that they are couples being honest ..

Maybe husband wants to go? This is probably what they were trying to avoid. I understand their awkwardness about this situation.

Get used to it. This is how people behave when you get divorced. I've lost 80% of my couple friends. They just don't want a single woman around end of.

I suspect this is the case, he would go if the op wasn’t, just he won’t go with her, which is totally the right decision from him, and right for the group.

If not this year, he’ll be there next year with his new girlfriend. That’s how it always goes.

Either or both of OP and XH could feasibly have a new relationship soon and expect to bring the new partner/s. It's likely at least some of the others have clocked this, and they might not necessarily want people they don't know that well to come along.

Projecting what ? It’s the experience of many posters here, and it was definitely my experience on becoming a relatively young widow. I was dropped by many of the married couples l regarded as friends.

which on a COUPLE holiday, is fine?

With the one divorced couple we know where we had an equally strong friendship with the wife and the husband which we tried to continue that with them both, it was the husband that eventually stepped back from us (once he was in a new relationship).

Having one single on a couples holiday would be an odd dynamic. Seems a sensible choice. Who not try and arrange a break with the ladies of the group?

Is that because the women feel threatened by a single woman ?

Well, or, as in the OP’s case, they’re trying to remain friends with both people and don’t want to take sides by inviting one of the former couple or risk a repetition of last year by inviting both in the immediate aftermath of a divorce.

I’m not sure I buy the ‘single women are seething with dangerous sexuality and will bag our chaps at the drop of a hat’ school of thought.

I very much doubt these women are threatened by the op. In fact I’d put good money on it.

I have 2 close friends, been friends since 14 .
We met in secondary school ..
One is married ,other in very LTR , I’m separated 10 years ..
I never join them in couples anything, well I actually never did prior to being separated, they never liked him , I never listened 😂 ..
Anyway , my point is we meet together lots , I just don’t meet with them & their partners..

Why is someone being in a couple more important than the individual person in terms of wanting to holiday with them 😂. Baffling.

Well, in the group the OP describes, the friends are literally ‘couple friends’, as one is a former colleague of the OP’s and one a colleague of her ex-DH (not clear whether those two are a couple or whether they are married to other people in the group), so it’s not a matter of them really being the friends of the OP or her ex, it’s a group thst seems to have been pulled together in the first place. Which makes it extra-difficult when the founding members divorce, and one wants to go on a group holiday that includes the ex and one doesn’t. I can see entirely why they’ve decided to go ahead this year without either.

I think it’s just that single/divorced/widowed women (partnerless) have low social value, unfortunately.

Solo people are discriminated against in myriad ways and historically women’s social status has been defined by her husband/mate. It sucks. Men typically have more social value and command more attention. In my observation it is more often the men and their new girlfriend who remain part of couples groups.

Here’s an article that touches on some of the points; there are many similar discussions on Reddit and the like.

https://capsulenz.com/think/opinion/cost-of-being-single/

when someone organises a "couple holiday", I'd say their choices are pretty important, yes

If you organise a "girls" holiday, you are happy for your friend's husband to suddenly show up, because he's just as important? 😂😂

If someone wants a different holiday, why don't they do the work and organise it themselves? Why should friends pick a side in a divorce, and ruin their own holiday by having to stick with the single person in a couple holiday, instead of just doing things as a .. couple.

Sadly this is what happens after a divorce. Time to start new traditions for this new chapter in life. They might be better! Also, it's good to find single friends as well as your couple friends. I don't know about you but being single means that you need people who can relate to what this is like. My couple friends could never comprehend how my day to day life presents. I am responsible for funding repairs, arranging tradespeople to do those repairs, paying the bills, mortgage, providing childcare alone etc. I'd find it very difficult going on a couple's holiday and seeing what I'm missing out on but that's just me.

I am a little bemused you’re baffled. So when you organise a girls night out, the females are welcome to bring their boyfriends or husbands, as they want to come. And this is fine with you? Or they bring their kids, their elderly aunt, their loner little brother. Where do you draw the line, if someone wants to holiday with you, you just decide their needs are key and say fine?

Of course people are free to holiday with who they want. I'm just baffled that people's preferred criteria for who they chose to holiday with would be any random person as long as they are in "a couple" rather than - my friend who I love as a person (and who remains the same person regardless of their relationship status).

But nothing as queer as folk as they say...

I mean this politely but I think you’ve misread. It is not any random person, it is a group of friends, they are not inviting random people.

women’s social status has been defined by her husband/mate. It sucks. Men typically have more social value and command more attention. In my observation it is more often the men and their new girlfriend who remain part of couples groups.

it's basically this, and so many women on this thread endorsing this social reality.