Devastated over not being invited on group holiday

[Findmrcrumble]

For several years now myself, my now ex-husband and 3 other couples have had a little tradition of going on a mini weekend away over the early May bank holiday. It’s always a lot of fun, a weekend where we get to go out late, eat lots, sunbathe and drink without the expectations of parenting.
In July my husband and I split and we are now getting divorced. Neither person actually did anything wrong, we just realised we weren’t happy in the marriage.
Today one of my friends very cautiously told me that they have decided that they don’t want to be seen as taking sides as we are both still there friends so it’s probably better if neither of us come this year. I have already said to the group that I wouldn’t mind going and my ex being there, we are co-parenting well etc. but apparently he doesn’t share that sentiment and thinks it would be odd in the context of a group couples trip. I understand this and I get why he doesn’t want us both to go. However I can’t help but feel like since it is him who doesn’t want us both to go that shouldn’t stop me going?
It’s really hurt me as I get so much joy out of this little group trip and these are my closest friends.

AIBU to be hurt I’m not invited?

I don't think it's clear that's what's happening here though.

I would have no issue going away with a mix of couples and single friends at all. Maybe OP's friends feel the same BUT in this scenario, when the 'single friends' were a couple until recently but have now gotten divorced, which one do you invite?? How are they supposed to 'include' both their newly single friends when one half of the former couple doesn't feel comfortable (entirely understandably) holidaying with their Ex and this would probably be awkward for everyone else too. I can't think of a solution that feels fair to everyone, so maybe that's why their instinct was to invite neither of them.

Reading this I’m just pleased my husband of 28 years and I have never done anything coupley. It’s giving me the ick just reading it. I can’t conceive of being seen as part of a pear. We even holiday with various single friends - with no gooseberrying going on at all.

OP - if you only ever really saw them as couples I guess you’ll have to see them as friends for a time in your life rather than long term. I wouldn’t bother trying to meet the women separately, unless you already do / have been as I suspect it will just lead to more disappointment.

These sorts of losses are sad, but also leave room for new friendships & trips away with new people. I’d focus on building up friendships with people who will be supportive.

i hope the coparenting continues to go well. I have friends who manage it well - they do go away together with their children & have days out together - & quite a few years down the line it’s working well for them and the kids. So it can work - it’s not easy but not impossible.

I can totally see how hurtful this is for you to process. I imagine you feel blindsided for not seeing this coming as a symptom of divorce.
I have also experienced this and it does hit you hard, no matter how rational you are about it. One Christmas I was at home and picture of all my really close friend came up on facebook (I went away with them all in September and we are still all close). They were all out out and all really dressed up, I couldn't work out what I had done wrong. It turned out it was a couples night and obviously I didn't know because not a couple.
It's 100% there right to have nights like that, it's not worth losing friendships over but it was a bit hard to swallow up and to this day I have never mentioned how I felt when I saw that picture. I actually think couple stuff gives me the ick, not sure I would take a partner if invited.

I think the “couple culture” in the UK is mad, the idea that you can only do things in pairs, like it’s the animals going into Noah’s Ark.

You don’t need to cut these friends off but you DEFINITELY need to make new friends.

I get being upset (please don't use devastated, it comes across as exaggerating). You have at least had the courtesy of a response when asking.

@Forgotthebins you have a valid point, just look at the threads where someone has asked if it is ok to go to the cinema or a gig by themselves.

So your friends said they don’t want to be seen taking sides but you can’t go with them because your exh said so.

If that isn’t taking sides then I don’t know what is.

Might be wrong but would watch this group closely. You might find exh is setting the stage to introduce a gf and as a couple they will be going.

If you are co parenting well and your split was “amicable” then I would find it strange that he says neither of you can go.

Please don't police @Findmrcrumble's use of language. She's had a recent, albeit civilised divorce (July) and the breaking of an established and valued custom changed. She is the judge of her feelings here.

I happen to think her friends are right.

It seems everyone including you and XDH think of this as a group couples trip. People can feel these are a bad idea if they like, but that's the established parameter and so it's very obvious why they think you coming solo would be uncomfortable. Also understandable that you feel sad about it.

I would try and take the initiative to arrange new social events with the group instead of trying to change the mould of something that already exists. For example, do people fancy Christmas outings together?

4-1. You go with the majority.

That's a good point about this year. If you separated just a few weeks later OP, it's likely there would've been signs that was coming. It's possible some of them found it awkward.

I would agree with you normally, but it appears before the split the holiday was a 'couples holiday' now i personally could not think of anything worse but the op was part of the couple holiday when they were a couple that is no longer the case

They are taking sides though OP. Your ex doesn’t like the idea so neither of you go ? He had the choice but you didn’t ? I do think it would be an odd dynamic if you are on your own while the rest of the group are couples, but if that’s the real reason they should say so instead of framing it as a question of loyalties, which it clearly isn’t.

It has the same undertone as my own experience after l was widowed. You’re now a single woman and perceived as a threat. It’s unpleasant but it’s a fact.

I think an actual couples holiday is probably the only time it is ok to have just couples. it isn’t just an evening.

I would wait to see what happens. I am aware of a friend who was in this situation. No animosity, no children involved either. They did try the meeting up joint friends thing but it was just awkward. They are civilised people, the dynamic was just off. I think people feel guarded with what they say and hence uncomfortable.

The ex has said it would be weird for them both to go. If the friends have "taken sides" it's in agreeing with the ex that it will be awkward for them both to go on the trip so soon after the split when they are evidently not in harmony, no matter how hopeful OP is that it would all just be fine. Neither OP nor the ex have said they would duck out to make way for the other person this year, so as a consequence neither of them are going.

This, sadly. The friendships you had will change forever. Accept it, make new friends and move on. It’s so sad, I have been there too. They stop inviting you now you are single.

It is uncomfortable when people divorce and you were friends with both of them. The friendship group take the path of least resistance in many ways. Who makes it easier for them. Not saying its right, just that its what ive seen happen.

If you've always been a couple friend of this group I would say its likely this isn't the last thing you won't be invited to.

And I genuinely dont think its about the risk of a single woman. I just think the dynamics shift and its not as "easy" as it was having couples. We have friends who have either always been single or always been in a couple. When one of the couples divorced it wasn't very amicable at the start so different to what your saying, but we tried to invite everyone to everything and because of the lack of amicability between the divorced couple we just started inviting the one who moaned and complained less...because its easier.

I don’t get all these ‘couple’s ‘ trips, etc but some people do it, like your group. If you’re now single, I don’t see why you would want to go on a couple’s trip. They’ll be doing things together and you’ll just feel left out. I don’t think the trip will bring you the same comfort it used to have.
I can see why the couples won’t want to have either you or your ex either ‘ together’ or separately on this trip.
If the ladies in the group planned a trip and left you out then that’ll be bad.

Ex isn't stopping OP going, he (understandably IMO) doesn't want to go on holiday with her. Neither are invited on their own. Maybe ex would be happy to go alone like OP if it was feasible? It would be unfair if either went IMO.

I would imagine that this group were put on the spot when OP turned around and said she'd be happy to still go with ex. I wouldn't relish the thought of going on holiday with a couple that were going through a divorce

One of the women in the groups is worried their partner has eyes for you, and that if you go on the holiday without a partner then they are paranoid about what would happen.

i would put money that this is the ‘problem’ and that eventually they will shun you regardless of context.

sorry! It’s shitty behaviour but they are protecting their interests.

I suspect they probably thought it would sound better if they frame it around loyalties. Not so personal as saying we specifically do not want your presence at this event because we think you will make it less enjoyable. It's not about you it's the principle.

Or possibly ex is preparing the rest of the group for the introduction of a girlfriend.

Why is the ex so hard to resist women cant control themselves and throw themselves at men every time they walk past they cant revisit him

Is this a serious idea that you do to women or men when you habe a chance? Can you not resist single men? Which is why you came up with the idea?

I eventually got dropped when I got divorced even by friends who didn't like my exH. Married women don't like single women around their husbands simple as that.
As a single woman my life changed considerably.
I've been divorced twice and same thing happened twice.

All this scoffing about singles upsetting the balance I do get but a friend holidayed in a couples group and she invited her single friend. Who shagged one of the married men. Marriage over/ devastated teens/ divorce. Now friend has to spend half the holiday with him and kids then second half with the wife and the kids. The single friend is no longer invited.

And it doesn't seem to have occurred to OP that her ex may well be dating, the last thing he'll want is to hang around on a holiday with his ex when he's seeing someone else.