Devastated over not being invited on group holiday

[Findmrcrumble]

For several years now myself, my now ex-husband and 3 other couples have had a little tradition of going on a mini weekend away over the early May bank holiday. It’s always a lot of fun, a weekend where we get to go out late, eat lots, sunbathe and drink without the expectations of parenting.
In July my husband and I split and we are now getting divorced. Neither person actually did anything wrong, we just realised we weren’t happy in the marriage.
Today one of my friends very cautiously told me that they have decided that they don’t want to be seen as taking sides as we are both still there friends so it’s probably better if neither of us come this year. I have already said to the group that I wouldn’t mind going and my ex being there, we are co-parenting well etc. but apparently he doesn’t share that sentiment and thinks it would be odd in the context of a group couples trip. I understand this and I get why he doesn’t want us both to go. However I can’t help but feel like since it is him who doesn’t want us both to go that shouldn’t stop me going?
It’s really hurt me as I get so much joy out of this little group trip and these are my closest friends.

AIBU to be hurt I’m not invited?

They might be waiting to see how it all pans out, it's all still quite new. Holidays are expensive and they wouldn't want to play referee between you guys or have any weird atmosphere. Hopefully as previous posters have said you can do smaller activities with the individuals you get on with best.

I'm challenging you because you are trying to say that because it happened to you, it will definitely happen to the OP. I'm sorry but you can't possibly know that. Also, your username suggests a certain attitude of mind on your part which the OP may or may not share.

Just bide your time OP and wait for them to divorce. Then don't let any of them join your new friendship group!

This is what happens when people divorce.

The reason humans form families and social groups is for survival. By announcing your divorce you are finding your social alliance breaking. Sometimes among friend groups divorces cascade. It makes others realise their own unhappy marriages and consider consciously uncoupling.

Married couples see their divorced friends looking better and living their best life which is another reason for the cascade effect.

But most of all your friends don’t want to deal with your emotional neediness. It may sound harsh but that is the primary motivator. They don’t want to spend their bank holiday around awkward silence or you crying into your glass of wine.

No one is being unreasonable here.

The unfortunate truth is that your friends were choosing from options that were all rather shite. It's entirely reasonable not to want to do a trip with three couples and one single person (yes, this does affect how the trip plays out unless the couples are all complete knobs who are happy leaving one person on their own repeatedly) and not to choose one of you to leave out. It is also extremely sane and reasonable not to want to go on holiday with a couple that is in the process of divorcing no matter how amicable they think they can be - that's a recipe for damaging the amicable relationship and making everyone uncomfortable.

But that doesn't mean you're wrong to be upset. The reality is that these couples trips are another thing that has ended along with your marriage and that is sad. Someone doesn't have to have wronged us for us to feel sad/disappointed/lonely.

It’s a couples holiday, the dynamic has now changed with you two being divorced it’s no one’s fault it’s just the way it is.

Given so very many women experience this, I think you can say it is a common if not universal happening.

This is nothing new. The smug marrieds tend to dump single women. A tale as old as the hills.

i would wonder if he has a new girlfriend and if the two of them end up going on the holiday with the gang...

Unfortunately this is the reality for divorced women and widows.

Seen it so often.

when people have that attitude, no wonder they don't get invited anymore 😂

If you really are "up for it" as you put it so charmingly, being married is not going to stop you. You know people do have affairs don't you 😂

I've lost a whole social circle through my divorce, one that my ex husband still manages to stay centered within. Lots of these people were also my colleagues, my friends first. It didn't seem to matter.

My ex husband threw a party to celebrate his moving to a new house (when moving out of our marital home) and invited everyone. I rather feel that set the tone for socialising from that point onwards.

It also applies to widows, sadly.
I was only 36 when my DH passed away from cancer. Everyone was so kind and lovely at the time, I got invited here, there & everywhere.
He died in the January.
By Easter, I stopped getting invitations.

A “single” woman is seen as a threat (by other women) or fair game (by the men)

If you are divorced and especially if you are widowed, men assume you are desperate for male attention. It is true what others have said, OP, you will need a new group of friends, your situation has changed so much where this group is concerned, that you no longer fit.
I found this aspect of widowhood so difficult to navigate, I hope you will find your new life far easier.
Wishing you well 🌺

It's a couple's trip. A seven doesn't work

sorry why? What's wrong with Seven?

I understand where they are coming from but I’d sure make them feel guilty about it and tell them expressly how hurt I was.

Its sad for you. But it would be awkward two couples and a single person. And a divorced couple going on holiday together is a little bizarre IMHO although I know it does happen.

@ChristmasCountdown2025, [Hugs]

@AliceMaforethought if you want to think I'm just a really spiteful woman with a nasty username posting complete shite, that's your call. If you ever get divorced or widowed, sadly you'll find out for yourself.

Unwatching this thread.

Bizarre that so many mixed sex friendship groups exist without single women in them because they are threats and fair game.That is not my experience at all fortunately, but good luck OP, sounds like you need to just have female only friendships from now on.

Well the dynamic is couples so a single messes with that, simple really.
Start a new thing of the women, or whoever you like, going on holiday.

I don't even think it's that they worry a single woman will be angling for the men.

It's just that (unfortunately, I don't condone this) single women, especially if no longer young, just have low social value. They aren't seen as interesting, etc., compared to single men, especially by established couples who like that couples vibe. And there's an undercurrent of "is she now going to expect special treatment, additional help around the house, etc." that turns people off.

Try being a single middle-aged or older woman; you might as well not exist socially, except in women-only groups of a similar age.

I heard someone refer to a newly single female friend thus: "She's now a project, not a peer." Grim.

This is where it changes op. Married friends don’t invite single friends to things I found. Life is different now. Start building new friendships and traditions.

@BillieNoM888

Thank you. 🌼

No one gets dropped faster by married friends than a newly single woman, ask me how I know.

Before I was divorced more than one former friend voiced concern over another divorced friend because I think that they saw her as a threat. It was never said explicitly but it was implied.

I still invited her to things but you could tell they didnt like it. Then of course they did the same to me. I wanted to say "I am happy you love your husband but dont assume that just because I am now single I want to snaffle him off you!"

I think it’s maybe quite rare that there are friends that are so equally yours and his, that they don’t feel loyalty to one party or other, or that one of you doesn’t naturally “get” these friends.

What would have been nice, I guess, was if for this first year at least, they said “well let’s have a girls trip and a boys trip this year, so it’s not awkward for you guys”, or did this separately from the couples’ trip, on different weekends.

A bit mean to exclude you entirely for any weekend away with any of them.

It happened to me too. Men who had shown no interest in me before were (not part of the friend group but from a hobby I do) suddenly had a lot more interest in talking to me, offering help etc. I suspect its because a married OW is a bigger risk than a single one. A single one will not carry the risk of the husband finding out.

Well, I can certainly sympathise and understand you being upset, but I think it’s a bit unreasonable to be “hurt” as that would imply some kind of wrongdoing on their part. It was a couples trip and you are no longer a couple.

This is just one of those things that is shit about break ups. I hope you feel better soon, make some new connections, new friendships - start some new traditions with your friends? 💐