Devastated over not being invited on group holiday

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For several years now myself, my now ex-husband and 3 other couples have had a little tradition of going on a mini weekend away over the early May bank holiday. It’s always a lot of fun, a weekend where we get to go out late, eat lots, sunbathe and drink without the expectations of parenting.
In July my husband and I split and we are now getting divorced. Neither person actually did anything wrong, we just realised we weren’t happy in the marriage.
Today one of my friends very cautiously told me that they have decided that they don’t want to be seen as taking sides as we are both still there friends so it’s probably better if neither of us come this year. I have already said to the group that I wouldn’t mind going and my ex being there, we are co-parenting well etc. but apparently he doesn’t share that sentiment and thinks it would be odd in the context of a group couples trip. I understand this and I get why he doesn’t want us both to go. However I can’t help but feel like since it is him who doesn’t want us both to go that shouldn’t stop me going?
It’s really hurt me as I get so much joy out of this little group trip and these are my closest friends.

AIBU to be hurt I’m not invited?

I’m afraid when the trip happens you’ll see ex-H may well end up on it and that’s why he is wasn’t willing to share.

Yes i think the dynamic would change but no I dont see not being invited means the women are worried you want to jump their partners

Has anyone genuinely thought this of a single women or is one of those made up things people say to make themselves feel better?

I would give women more credit than thinking they want to sleep with my husband, it all seems incredibly childish

I can see why you are not invited and if tou are that devastated I would work on that, a bit disappointed but move on I get

Nor mine. I have been split up and also been a married woman in a group with divorced women. I don't think the OP needs to hear these horror stories about how badly society treats divorced/widowed women.

This
I honestly don't think anyone deliberately set out to hurt you OP and I can understand your husband's POV too.
Please take care OP

If they are using up holiday time and splashing the cash for a kid free get away I can totally understand why they wouldn’t want to be surrounded by bad vibes. Maybe last years holiday felt like awkward and uncomfortable for them as the couple they were holidaying with was on the verge of divorce

This is a joke, right?

Yes I wondered this too. I don't think I'd want to go on holiday with a couple in the process of divorcing, no matter how amicable they professed to be. But equally I would never dream of excluding my friend if they wanted to come, particularly at such a tumultuous time in their life.

Basically I have splinters in my arse from all this fence sitting don't know but this doesn't half remind me of the ski trip episode of Friends after Ross & Rachel broke up.

This!

I would bet he goes and you are excluded.

Totally on your side OP - I don’t agree with ‘it’s a couples holiday’ - you’re all friends so it really shouldn’t matter as long as you’re happy to go and can be civil with each other. It’s a bit of a cop out from the other friends too, you’re being penalised cause of his opinions. It would be unfair if any other single friend wasn’t allowed cause they’re not part of a couple too.

PS watch The Four Seasons on Netflix (Tina Fey) - very apt for your circumstances.

I lost a lot of friends when I divorced exH. It's horrible and devastating.

It would completely ruin everyone’s break to go away with a newly divorced ex couple, cop on. They probably value their time and money and opportunity to relax and being in the middle (no matter if you think you get on, you clearly don’t enough) would be a rubbish break for them. Start a new tradition, and or do new things with them, but you can’t seriously expect to be invited. It’s part of the grief of divorce losing stuff like this, but it is something you need to deal with:

It's perfectly understandable that you're upset to be excluded.

It's also perfectly understandable that, after years of a three-couple holiday, the other couples are stepping back. They want to be friends to both of you but your ex objects to spending time together. Giving it a break this year while things settle down is an appropriate response.

It's early days. It may fall apart but I hope once everyone gets their head around the new situation you'll be able to have fun with your friends.

its a group trip made up of couples. Id pass.

I have always been fascinated by this need to go on holidays with hordes of other people, the whole circus troupe. Anyone else?

YANBU. They’re meant to be your friends. They aren’t taking sides. Therefore you should both still be welcome and it’s up to you as individuals if you want to go or not.

Sure, it was a “couples thing” but most people are mature enough to be able to deal with a mix of couples and singles. You say these are your closest friends? It shouldn’t matter to them whether you split or not, you should be invited on the trip you’ve always been a part of.

I can completely see why your Ex DH didn't feel comfortable going on a couples holiday with you when you're newly divorced. It would be very awkward, not just for the two of you but for everyone else as well. I imagine it could also have the potential be quite upsetting, since presumably you have fond memories of these trips together during happier times, so it might bring up a lot of emotions.

From your perspective it probably feels like because you were willing to be the bigger person by suggesting you go together, maybe that means you 'deserve' the trip more. But there are valid reasons why the vast majority of divorced couples don't continue to holiday together. I don't think it's fair to say that because your Ex DH has drawn that (very normal, reasonable) boundary that means it's 'fair' for you to automatically get to go on the trip without him. He didn't say he didn't want to go, just that he didn't feel comfortable going with you now you're not together. So if your friends invited you to come alone, rather than inviting him to come alone, that would absolutely be "taking sides" in my view. They really can't win.

your Ex DH has drawn that (very normal, reasonable) boundary

This whole comment was good, but I think this is particularly worth noting. If you were my friend actively in the midst of a divorce I would honestly discourage you from going on a couples trip with your ex. And if I had a friend who was interested in someone who was talking about going on a couples trip with their recent ex as "just friends" I would tell that friend not to get involved.

Working hard to co-parent as a team and to be kind and amicable with each other is great and healthy, but so is being deliberate about ending your old relationship and laying out boundaries that will define your new lives apart. If you don't do the latter the situation can easily turn toxic despite the best intentions. Both of you attending a kid-inclusive party with these friends is a healthy co-parenting goal, but carrying on going on your annual kid-free couples' trip and just sleeping in separate rooms is definitely not the same.

Now I’ve always championed the idea that single people can mix perfectly well with couples, being a widow. But I wouldn’t want to go away on a trip with friends who are all couples, especially if I used to go with my ex. The dynamic would be totally different. I’m with your friends in this one.

Sorry but I despise being with a group of our friends who have 2 people who used to date and have now "moved on" (new partners hate the exes and spend every dinner making snide comments), and a couple who divorced a year ago and claim everything's fine but constantly talk behind each other's back and clearly aren't over each other. It's hell. If I'm ever in the situation your friends are in I would do the same.

Nasty

You'd probably spoil their fun, no matter how cool you think you're being about the split, it's a couples holiday and you're no longer a couple. So long as they're not inviting him there's no reason to be hurt.

You could try organising a holiday with just the women.

Friendship groups change, die off, move on as we go through life. Might be time to look for some new friends too.

Nope. He is excluding himself. They should both be invited and they can then choose.

They were probably incredibly relieved he made it clear he wants nothing to do with it - good excuse for neither of you being there, because the only thing worse than you hanging about like a gooseberry would be the two of you trying to act like the coolest divorcees who are just oh so adult about it all. Painful as fuck.

Now they can just have a nice, stress free holiday.

It's the reality for lots of divorced or widowed men as well. Most long-established couples have lots of couple friends and these melt away from both the newly single men and women