DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

I'd be cross too, its utterly ridiculous that he doesn't just invite her over. He needs to start setting some boundaries with her.

I’d be furious. It’s a real snub to your family.

That's absolutely ridiculous and I'd be furious tbh. He should choose to be with his dc, and not leave you to struggle cooking and hosting alone.

I think I'd rather he fucked off permanently than accept this. I have no idea why he'd think it's ok.

He should be upset that his mother has snubbed his wife and children.

It’s bloody rude.

She's been invited! Shes very welcome!

(TBH though, I've just grumpily asked DH what time this lunch is planned for and it turns out it's not even booked. Good luck getting that sorted this late)

It’s his mum- if my mum wanted and could meet me Christmas Day I totally would, and so I’d let dh because I’d hope he’d do the same as me. You’re getting to be with your family and as he said he’ll be there for the proper family bits!!

He says she hasn't because we're going there boxing day

I would be very upset over this too , shes being completely unreasonable even asking to separate your husband from his family on Christmas day when she has lots of options on how to spend the day herself . Even worse than your mil is your husband though, the fact he sees no issue is outrageous.
How is your relationship with her ? Does she see you as competition? I find it bizarre she won’t come to you for the day where her grandchildren are !

I'd suggest he went over for a coffee or something late morning, depending on when you eat. They're not going to find somewhere open for lunch on Christmas Day that has availability at this point.

I'd be really cross at this.

This is not how a good husband behaves nor a good MIL. What on earth are they both thinking?

If my DH did this I'd be telling him to not bother coming back after lunch. He'd no longer be welcome.

That’s something my ex mil would have done!

I can see both sides on him taking her out, but this should 100% be something you and DH decide together, not his unilateral decision.

I’d be furious too and this would also make me question my marriage.
It’s all about them isn’t it!
DH gets out of helping on Xmas day, MIL has the day revolve around her and then Boxing Day all about her.
There is absolutely no way I would be attending hers on Boxing Day either, I’d take me and the kids somewhere nice for the day!

Then his also thick sorry.

Taking a father away from his children on Christmas Day with a well they can come Boxing Day is a shit excuse or reason.

Would take a lot to not say no to Boxing Day at this point is she wants to be so bloody rude.

You have your family 100% of the time. Your DH recognises his DM may not be able to face 'company' but would like company iyswim. Why begrudge them a couple of hours when you have the rest of the day?

He vehemently denies it, but I think it's a control thing.
She wants to be the matriarch and doesn't want to be in another woman's home with her doing the cooking and hosting, she wants to be the one in charge.
She also has this weird thing where she can't be a passenger in a car.

I don't think I'd be that bothered, but I am used to my husband working part of Christmas Day and have spent a couple without him when I have taken the kids to my parents (a couple of hours away) and he's had to stay behind because of work (he's more than happy on his own Christmas Day). So it's not particularly weird to me, the idea of not being with my husband on Christmas Day.

I think the big issue is why your MIL doesn't want to come to you, I think that's a bit rude and mostly sad, and your husband should probably challenge her on that. Perhaps she's depressed with grief (loss of husband, loss of relationship with daughter) and just feels having your husband to herself is some sort of control over things, makes her feel special? Odd though that she's doing the big Christmas thing on Boxing Day though.

Tell him he'll be able to live with her permanently when you divorce him

YANBU. WTF popping out for an expensive meal out on Christmas day while his wife sorts Christmas dinner out for everyone else sounds bonkers not to mention expensive.

I would be furious. And mention that next year when she's hosting Christmas lunch you are going to your parents.

Ah I don't care about that as she will pay. She loves paying for shit.

So she was barely interested in DH until she fell out with SIL, now she’s borderline obsessed with him and wants to spend every waking moment with him? And he’s ok with this as a grown man? Weird.

She can come to yours as you said or go to her other children’s- make up with her precious DD for heavens sake!

My MiL prefers and wants to be with my DH over his siblings for most things, not just Christmas. And the way we have resolved it is that she comes to our house for Christmas with my parents and siblings on the years we aren’t with her. It’s actually rather lovely to have both families together.

If my DH said he was not attending my family’s Christmas meal, and separately going for lunch with his mum even though she was invited to ours, I would be furious. It is so disrespectful to your parents and to you.

I think I would go with this to hammer home to him just how utterly outrageous it is that he has even considered it.

She can face company as she's having us all over on boxing day. She just wants company on her terms.