DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

Maybe MIL is suffering with depression and does not need everyone loading in on her. Perhaps she needs quiet and space and understanding this Christmas. Maybe she is realising she is facing old age and going it alone. It is not to do with the she did, he did brigade, it is to do with seeing just where she is standing.

She's never had a Christmas alone. The year he died we all cancelled plans to go to her. Last year we were all with her, this year she has four different households she can go to but chooses not to.

And I wonder why she has fallen out with her daughter, I wonder how long it will be before she falls out with her son, if this is the kind of thing to go by.
She's made him chose, he chose his mum. Nah, not good esp if the whole family dinner was already planned.

I bet they can’t get a booking at this late stage and they end up at the MiL’s house on Christmas Day where she makes Christmas lunch and he spends half the day there, not ‘just two hours’.

But she's having us all over boxing day?
By choice!

Start a new tradition yourself. You and dc open gifts just before lunch. When he's gone.

Somehow I suspect he won’t care if he doesn’t care about not being there first Christmas lunch with his own family

Everyone is going over to hers boxing day, so doubt it.

Then she can stay home and have a quiet Christmas. Asking her married son with children to abandon them on Christmas day isn't a reasonable option. Combined with the fact that it's his wife's family's turn to see them on the day as well, MIL had her day last year and will also have Boxing Day, and he's skipping out on that agreed obligation as well.

OP's husband needs to grow a spine and remember his priorities or he OP needs to tell him he can get to fuck.

See this is my other issue, I really can't see it only being 2 hours, no matter where they go

She’ll have a turkey in her freezer, OP, ‘just in case’.

Even if this is true, which I doubt, the proper way to deal with it would be to have a discussion not make demands. MIL hasn’t consulted with the rest of the family as to how her request to take DH away from his wife and children will affect everyone and DH hasn’t consulted with OP as to whether this is reasonable. It’s a family Christmas so it’s not up to him to be making unilateral decisions.

DH’s first responsibility is to his wife and children, that’s what marriage is about, a new family unit. He has no business doing this without reference to his primary family unit.

I can’t see either of our mums ever doing this but if they did, DH and I would talk about it first and decide what to do together and then present a united front. I’d be utterly horrified if this happened.

Lay that out for your husband and tell him you expect he will be at home, with his family, as planned, if he wants his marriage to survive.

I would be fuming and there would be repercussions! Your MIL is being selfish and your husband is being an idiot. He should have said no straightaway, come to ours. I need to be with my family. Perhaps she asked him because he is the only child mug enough to agree to it? Why aren't all her children ( bar her dd) going then? Why not the other 2 brothers at least? Weird af.
When I first got married (admittedly 40 years ago) we had to go to our local vicar for a few chats.
The first thing he told us was when we were married our spouse would become our main priority, above parents even, and that would ensure no arguments would arise over what was right in a situation. They should always be put first.

Not if she's hosting boxing day?

She should pay for you all to go then!

I'd be furious, Christmas is a time for family, not family minus dad/husband/uncle for 2-3hours whilst he humours childish mother! 😮

Has SIL always been the favourite and as a child your dh was a bit jealous of that? If so, his inner 8 year old might be loving being the favourite one too much for the adult brain to see through how fucked up this is.

In that case, you sort of need to go nuclear. I would say you’ll never forgive him or MIL for this. You won’t agree to go to hers for Boxing Day or Christmas Day next year. You won’t pretend to his or his mother’s face that you’re ok with this. You will tell her she’s selfish and horrible for even suggesting this. You won’t be nice to her or him.

He needs to feel the fear.

This is absolutely batshit crazy. How dare they both. It's completely and utterly ridiculous, bizarre, im struggling to put into words how angry I would be about it! It's not very often I'd be saying LTB but this is one of those times.

If he was just leaving you with DC that would be mean. I don't think it's a big deal if all your family will be round though.

I’d cut her some slack , my own mum finds Christmas lunch difficult since we lost dad so now we tend to do something separate from the rest of the family then come together for tea or Boxing Day. There’s something about sitting around the table that brings home the sense of loss that we don’t understand - at least your husband will be home again

Sorry OP I accidently clicked “unreasonable” and can’t change it … but you’re absolutely NOT being unreasonable. Absolutely bizarre and unreasonable behaviour. Your DH should be ashamed of himself for saying yes to this.
I would definitely cancel Boxing Day, stick with your family for 2 days and just say it’s because you weren’t all together in Xmas day…

Maybe also to punish her DD. Two birds, etc

Okay, being widowed sucks at Christmas. I'm a member of that club. But for goodness sake, this woman has multiple options for Christmas day AND she's seeing them all on Boxing Day. Her behaviour over this is entirely unreasonable.

She's very fortunately to have a large family if her own, plus OP's family all wanting her company on the day. She does not have to deprive OP and her children of their DH/father at Christmas dinner.

Erm, I’m with the consensus here: she joins you all at your home on Xmas day (and you then go again as a family on Boxing Day) or he can take his suitcase with him and not bother coming back. Under no circumstances would my DH be allowed to ditch myself and the kids on Christmas day. It’s mind-boggling that he agreed and even wants to.

It's not the just seeing his mum on Christmas day though is it? That's maybe a coffee or going for a walk to reflect on things over a couple of hours.
She wants them to eat out for Christmas Dinner, which is hardly a low key somber celebration given most places are packed and have Christmas music blaring out the sound system. Seems an odd choice for a low key still grieving christmas.

I don't know how I would deal with this because I can't imagine anyone actually doing this.

Who buggers off on Christmas day to have lunch separately with a mum who is welcome in the home? Why would his mum ask him to?

It's bizarre. I'd be both hurt and furious.