DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

This is a good point. Ask him does this mean you are abandoning the Christmas Day rotation, and deciding to have Christmas lunch (at least) apart from now on?!

The meal is the main part of the day IMHO, apart from stocking and presents, so missing that is missing Christmas.
I would be tempted to have the meal at evening dinner time and make him eat it as well as his lunch. All of it. (just joking really, Christmas dinner should be at lunch time)

That's very bad form. Christmas is a big deal for DC. They'll be very hurt and confused by this. Not nice for you either.

Isn't she only using him now to keep her amused, as DD is longer speaking to her?

YANBU.

He needs to be really careful because eventually she will made demands of him that he won't welcome, but by that time he will be totally sucked in / enmeshed.

If the tables were turned, would he be happy for you to fuck off for hours on Christmas Day? Why does he think his kids would be happy with this?

Really?! You'd leave your DC on Christmas Day and leave your partner slaving over a meal for 12 to spend time with your mum because she's being too petty to join in?

@Pollyxplummer, I'd be livid. So livid, in fact, I'd tell him to piss off for the entire day and not to return until everyone was in bed because I wouldn't want him swanning in and out when he felt like it. He's being ridiculous for saying it's not a big deal.

I sort of have some empathy.

My own family is small and this year, for various reasons, they will most likely spend Christmas with other parts of their own family. All fine, I have no problem with that.

But my own small family are the people I most want to spend Christmas day with. I'm quite quiet and shy, but around them I feel comfortable and relaxed.

I'm invited to the large family celebration of my dsis. But the 15 of them are rumbunctious. Everyone is distracted by the small children (who don't know me that well). Being with them all together makes me feel more lonely, not less. I'm like an observer on their happy time, but not quite part of it. Every so often someone will chat to 'old Aunt Emily' - until they need to be involved in another kid's activity or are distracted by a tv football quiz.

I love them all as individual families and value those times with them, but when they are altogether I simply feel left out.

However, I would never ask anyone to forgo their own family celebration to be with me. I'd find ways to make my own day special, and to appreciate and enjoy all the other Christmas events with family.

SIL is speaking to her, things are just strained and weird.

But yeh, she's suddenly calling him several times a day to talk utter shite.

I’d tell him if he does this then not to bother coming home!! He needs to decide if his family with wife and kids is more important than his mother or not!!

I accidentally said yabu, and you are not! Sorry. Divorce him 🤣

I'm usually pretty balanced on in law threads but I feel really annoyed on your behalf!

I'm also actually quite shocked that he doesn't get why you'd be upset about it.

I definitely wouldn't go round to hers on Boxing Day either. Send him with the kids and have a pamper day to yourself. Bet he won't be happy with that.

SlothMama14

I never see my mum so that could be me seeing it a different way but I see it that Christmas Day is meant to be for everybody and I can see why she wouldn’t want to sit in with op’s whole family for dinner, wouldn’t you just feel like you’re tagging along? We travel to my mums Christmas Eve/ morning for a few hours then have Christmas dinner here then go to his mums house Christmas night. People think we’re mad but I love that everyone gets quality time together

I would be seriously pissed off of DH did this. Your DC won’t forget.

Thing is, I don't want to.

I'm looking forward to boxing day. I like socialising. I like my in laws!!

I can see why you are not pleased with this. Its selfish of them both.

Christmas dinner isn’t a ‘properly family bit’? It’s the best part of the day for us.
Assume he’s not going to help with the cooking/serving/hosting either?

We alternate families each Christmas and mil gets very needy on my family years. One Christmas she persuaded dh to bring the dc for a visit in the middle of Christmas Day. My family couldn’t work out whether we were on the verge of a break up, or they should feel snubbed.

I’d become so accustomed to her batshittery that it didn’t occur to me to raise an objection, and dh is very sensitive to the guilt trip (it’s always probably his df’s last Christmas) but my family tiptoeing around me, and the weird atmosphere brought home to me how dysfunctional it was. It also was the last time my df was well enough to come to us for Christmas 😔.

I think this is going to be even more of a snub to your family - not just dh walking out, but your mil not joining them. It’s just a bit pointed, even if that’s not the intention.

That’s so disrespectful to your family. The pair of them off eating separately.. it’s weird if nothing else.

I’d be furious. Can’t even believe they’ve had the nerve to suggest it tbh!

Its his mum and its just a couple of hours.
You don't seem to care for her much and she must know that so has chosen to stay away

How old are the dc?

DingDongJingle

That could be the difference for me the presents in the morning and board games/ Christmas tv in the afternoon trumps the dinner! Plus it’s spending time with your mum!!

I’d be really disappointed with my DH if he did this.

I could mildly understand if A) she wasn’t invited to yours and B) she has no other children offering options.

This is 100% about control and unfortunately your sucker of a husband is falling for it.

Has he thought about how his children feel not having their own Dad there for Xmas day lunch as he’d rather go out. It makes them feel unimportant.

Also it’s really rude to your family. He should be putting in the effort to see them on one day as you are putting in the effort to spend time with his the day after. I wonder what he’d have to say if you bailed on Boxing Day at his family’s house because you’d rather lunch with someone else.

How dare she take your DH away from his wife and children on Christmas Day?! WTF is wrong with her?! I can’t believe your DH is going along with this!

It’s Christmas dinner. I would put money on the fact that he’s also not going to help with the cooking/serving/clearing up either, while he’s off having Christmas dinner with his mum.
I have 3 kids who would be gutted if their dad fucked off to have Christmas dinner somewhere else.