DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

Thoughtless because he may be worried about about his mum - seriously?

Wow, what a poor husband & father.

There is no indication that this is worry for her - if it was he could have talked it over with OP and discussed and agreed a plan to support her in advance. And would surely have been indicating this to OP before this incident. His behaviour smacks of hero syndrome - a big grand gesture to 'save the day' and look big and important. He either thought this was a fabulous way to get out of the slog of Christmas day cooking, or is so clueless about how much work goes into it he really did not think that being absent would be a problem or realize it would place a much greater burden on his partner.

Either way he is a twit - the type and magnitude of twitishness depends on his reasoning.

So yeah, I am dead serious about my comments.

I get the impression that OP doesn't do discussions but ofcourse he's male so must be a twit!
I'd love a 5 minute chat with MIL - I think we might get the real story.
Getting out of the slog of christmas is perfectly justified if OP decided what they were doing. Did he have say in hosting her family on Christmas day or is he just told what's happening.

well if you chatted with MIL you’d learn that she did not ask for this, and told him to stay with his family. Or did you not read that? As for your impression of OP - you obviously just want to bang the drum for irresponsible thoughtless men everywhere by blaming the woman - she’s controlling, she didn’t ask him, his opinion wasn’t sought, etc etc. The nagging shrew script is misogyny at its finest, but don’t let that stop you. Next you’ll be blaming OPs hormones.

I give up you don't seem to be able to grasp my meaning.
I simply pointed out that MiL is widowed , recently retired, her world has changed and she may be struggling to adapt -something the OP isn't grasping either.

OP didn’t give the impression the invitation was out of pity, or that she would just be ‘tolerated’. There’s no lack of empathy here, just a MiL who has several options on Christmas Day and doesn’t want to take any of them. That’s her choice. She’s hosting Boxing Day for the whole family so there’s clearly no problem here - just a DH who lied to his wife to weasel out of the work of hosting on Christmas Day - using his mothers’ grief as the excuse. Disgusting. And rather than read and understand the actual facts, you’re inventing things to support what he did.

OP’s own mother has been widowed far more recently than MiL - where’s your empathy for that situation ? Mil was invited, chose not to accept, and more to the point, DH lied about her asking him to take her out on Christmas Day. He was using his own mothers’ grief to get out of the work involved in hosting, but you seem fine with that.

What do you mean ‘if OP decided what they were doing’? She made it clear in the first post that they alternate Christmas and went to MiL last year - MiL is also hosting them on Boxing Day. Try reading the detail instead of skimming and making things up.

Whatever it was just an observation given we've only one perspective.
I really didnt like the whole being angry for a couple more days to prove a point either - on any other thread that would be abuse because its not the way couples should treat each other.

I understand your meaning just fine - it’s you who are being obtuse. But let’s spell it out.

OP has never indicated MIL is unwelcome at any time.
DP unilaterally decided to offer something which disrupted his nuclear families Christmas Day without seeming thought or care for this. This was not asked for by his mother but suggested by him.

it’s you who made up a whole story about why he did this thoughtless thing. And had the temerity to suggest it is OPs fault.

so I maintain I understand you just fine and am responding to the misogyny in your posts and tone.

anything else you want to mansplain?

Still rambling and missing the point.
I'm done.

Thank fuck for that

😂😂😂

Good update.

But I am struck at just how very ‘out in the cold’ your DH faced as a son , if he is so very desperate to get MILs attention, and is now so enjoying being the favourite.

It is unlikely to happen, but he could use some talking therapy to get over that.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas Op.

If my DH had proposed leaving me alone to host Christmas lunch for twelve, while he concentrated 1-1 on his mother, who had been invited but refused, l’d be angry for more than a couple of days believe me. Interesting that you focus on the womans’ response as abusive, rather than the man being so unreasonable in the first place. You might want to think about that. Everything about your posts suggests that you’ve either skimmed or completely misunderstood and you’re inventing things to fill in the gaps.

Seconded !!

Is this the moment when the dishwasher 'breaks down' on Christmas Eve and he gets to do all the washing up? I would suggest removing the fuse from the plug and then replacing it on Boxing Day.

Glad all sorted OP. Your DH sounds a bit clueless!

OP's MIL was widowed a couple years ago, and hosted Christmas herself last year. OP also lost her own father two years ago. The only recent change in her world, is that she's stopped talking to her favored child (her daughter), so she's chosen to focus on her son out of the blue.

Recently retired.
Some people struggle with the transition from working to having nothing tpre-scheduled to do all day especially when your life partner is gone.
I just wondered if she was having a bit of a mental health crisis that's all.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear.

He absolutely was NOT just told what was happening.

We have been together for 20 years. This is our 21st Christmas together. This way of doing things, my family one year, his the next, has ALWAYS been the plan.

Not only does it work for us, but his siblings are with their in-laws the same year In with my family, and my siblings (I have four) go to their own in-laws the same year we are with MIL.

Its a well oiled plan that has worked for 2 decades and involves over 20 people, who all find the arrangement very convenient and fair.

The only time this plan has ever been deviated from is 2023 when she lost her husband and we all cancelled everything to be with her on Christmas day and still kept to the arrangement of seeing her on "her" year last year. Which was the very least we could do. My mum was on her own on this year and decided to volunteer at the local homeless shelter.

I haven't been with my own family at Christmas since 2022 and I lost my own father just 15 months ago, as I said.

MIL is not being excluded. I don't know for sure what my siblings-in-laws plans are, but MIL is absolutely welcome at our house if she wants to come.

Failing that, she gets an entire Christmas with all of her family on boxing day. Not just a pop-in-and-see-you thing but an entire Christmas day with presents, family dinner, games, the lot.

She is not neglected

The more I think about it, the more I wonder why I posted this. Of course it's OK for me to want my husband with me and our Children on Christmas day.

Thank for all replies x

I hope you have a good day and your husband makes the right decision x

FGS, RTFT... Seriously, will people just read the bloody thread or if you cannot be bothered to do that at least read all the posts by the OP.

Are you sure tbis isnt coming for your dh feeling overwhelmed by a dozen outlaws!