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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

628 replies

Pollyxplummer · 07/11/2025 15:39

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

OP posts:
MusicMakesItAllBetter · 26/11/2025 14:56

LatteLady · 26/11/2025 14:45

FGS, RTFT... Seriously, will people just read the bloody thread or if you cannot be bothered to do that at least read all the posts by the OP.

I have thanks 👍🏼
FGS, take a moment to get a deep breath in and when you exhale slowly out of your mouth let all that tension flow. Actually maybe you should HAH it out... Or hissssss. So may different ways to release the tension.
Overthinking.
Mindful breathing is a good let out 👌🏼

Cuppasoups · 26/11/2025 15:02

You are a saint OP as is your own mother.
Perhaps you need to put yourself first a bit more.
It all sounds a bit thankless with you giving and thinking about everyone.

Easytoconfuse · 27/11/2025 15:12

Pollyxplummer · 26/11/2025 13:03

Let me make one thing perfectly clear.

He absolutely was NOT just told what was happening.

We have been together for 20 years. This is our 21st Christmas together. This way of doing things, my family one year, his the next, has ALWAYS been the plan.

Not only does it work for us, but his siblings are with their in-laws the same year In with my family, and my siblings (I have four) go to their own in-laws the same year we are with MIL.

Its a well oiled plan that has worked for 2 decades and involves over 20 people, who all find the arrangement very convenient and fair.

The only time this plan has ever been deviated from is 2023 when she lost her husband and we all cancelled everything to be with her on Christmas day and still kept to the arrangement of seeing her on "her" year last year. Which was the very least we could do. My mum was on her own on this year and decided to volunteer at the local homeless shelter.

I haven't been with my own family at Christmas since 2022 and I lost my own father just 15 months ago, as I said.

MIL is not being excluded. I don't know for sure what my siblings-in-laws plans are, but MIL is absolutely welcome at our house if she wants to come.

Failing that, she gets an entire Christmas with all of her family on boxing day. Not just a pop-in-and-see-you thing but an entire Christmas day with presents, family dinner, games, the lot.

She is not neglected

The more I think about it, the more I wonder why I posted this. Of course it's OK for me to want my husband with me and our Children on Christmas day.

Thank for all replies x

It's always so easy to see the other side when it isn't you, isn't it? FWIW I think you've been incredibly patient when you were entitled to be angry and I hope you have some parts of Christmas that are exactly what you want them to be. Good luck...

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