DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

Yes this.

The whole thing is power play over you and her daughter. Your son might well be lapping up being her newly favourite child and doesn’t want to lose the top spot. I saw this exact scenario play out with my MIL and her mother and it went on for years.

However, this dastardly plan would be a hell no from me, in no uncertain terms. She can see you on Xmas day at your house, or not see you at all. Stand firm.

Hell would freeze over before I packed up my dc and trotted off to see her Boxing Day.

Well quite. She wants to go out to eat (and drink?) on licences premises on one of the busiest days of the year.

She is out of order for asking him and should be accepting your invite to lunch with everyone. I would be waving dh and kids off on Boxing Day and spending the day in front of the tv.

Tell your husband that when you all go round to MILs on Boxing Day, you'll be popping out for a couple of hours to meet up with your Mum for lunch. Might make him realise what a ridiculous idea it is!

Christmas became really difficult for me after DH died. I wouldn't have done this, but I also found it very hard to be around families where the DH/father was still there. It was the father, similar age to DH being missing I found hardest, that my (adult) DC didn't have that.

So in your plans I'd have enjoyed being with you, DC and DH(my DS) on Boxing Day, but I'd have found it very difficult to watch you with your father and your DC with their other GF on Christmas Day.

I still think she's wrong to deal with it this way, but I understand it.

Rude, totally unnecessary and controlling.

She sounds as though she struggling with not being someone’s priority.

DM really struggled after DF died. She was not the most important person to anyone anymore. Her kids had their DC and DPs who had to come first.

The thing is, breaking up someone else’s ’first priority’ group is massively selfish and unhealthy.

It’s a difficult thing for her to negotiate, but the way to do it is to fit in with others when they make room for you, not try and steal the event.

I think with this arrangement Boxing Day could be very fraught. Imagine her dominating the conversation about the amazing Xmas meal they both shared. I would feel this is a snub and wouldn’t want to see her Boxing Day. If your DH wants to do this fine but you don’t have to fit in with her Boxing Day plan.

This is true. We are going out for Xmas lunch for the first time and the booking is for three hours, presumably because of the number of courses. We're expecting it to be longer than that just because of serving etc.

@Pollyxplummer Have you actually spoken to her about this? I think I would be calling her, but my language might not be temperate. I really think she has been incredibly rude and your husband incredibly stupid.

My dad is dead

I think YANU and am cross at your DH but what would happen if you have a WhatsApp chat with both of them in where you just tell them both? DMiL, DH mentioned you invited just him out for Christmas Day lunch, that is an unfair request, I will be left dealing with dinner, hosting and the children who will not understand why daddy and grandma don’t want to be with them. We only have a few short years of Christmases with young children and would like you to join us.

That's fair enough but presumably agreed beforehand with all involved. And why Op's husband when she had other sons too?
I suggest because he's the only one who would agree to it. To not discuss it with his wife is abhorrent and I'd be fuming.

So what happens to DH when she gets all pally with DD again? Will he be relegated again in favour of the golden one?
Given she is happy to host Boxing Day and has four choices (five if she chose to be alone), this is obviously about control. Has she no empathy for you and DC that she's taking their DF away from them for what many see as the most important meal of the year? I doubt it'll be two hours either with driving and a huge meal to eat.
My MIL was similar. It only got worse as she got older... I could be dead this time next year... I am probably projecting, but she had to be number one in any situation and cried wolf so many times. It meant I missed both of my parent's final Christmases. They were the opposite so when she wanted to spend Christmas away from home we went too. I regret the years I was so meek.

I’d make different arrangements for Boxing Day, she’s being appallingly behaved and your Dh is spineless, this would give me the major ick.

Why oh why don't people read threads properly.

However much you like socialising, I would definitely tell DH that you’ll be organising a 3 hour boozy lunch out with friends for Boxing Day. But that it’s not a problem because it’s only a few hours. See what happens…..

Well tbf, I never said my dad isn't here any more, but a lot of people are assuming I am spending it with my parents. I actually just said family, which could mean sibling.
My dad actually died in September 2024, but we didn't see each other much.

I am widowed,I would not entertain behaving like this!The fact your husband has agreed to it is ridiculous.Your MIL is trying to control.If it was my husband I would be throwing his stuff out the front door and telling him to go and live with her.
His role is to support his wife,not his Mother.

I could understand your MIL finding the large family meal a bit too much if she was recently bereaved but clearly she is just being selfish.
If she didn't want to eat with you then the sensible thing would be to join you for a cuppa and snack in the morning to enjoy her grandchildren.
Only a CF would take a father away from his family on Christmas Day.

IF your Husband does go to lunch with her then don't be rolling out the red carpet for him when he returns, if he gives in to his mother now then she will just claim more and more of his time.

My sister's MIL is like yours, utterly batshit (love that word).

I'm so cross for you that I'm thumping my phone screen.

He is 100% off his rocker. And she is 100% off her rocker for suggesting he leaves his wife and children for Christmas lunch, they you’re going to do much trouble to prepare.

Please show him this thread so he knows what a dick he is being. And MIL needs to get a grip.

Ok, apologies, but there will be other "complete" families there? I found that really hard.

I have not read the thread yet, but what kind of woman takes her son away from his children on Christmas Day?

I was going to say YABU but then I saw that a) she got Christmas last year b) she's getting to host boxing day and c) she's invited to yours.

I'd have no objection to DH spending a couple of hours visiting her on Christmas day but draw the line at him missing the meal you're cooking. Disrespectful.