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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

628 replies

Pollyxplummer · 07/11/2025 15:39

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

OP posts:
RitaFromThePitCanteen · 07/11/2025 16:23

It sounds like she's trying to model your DH into being her husband replacement after losing her husband. Trying to get him to prioritise her over his wife and children. And sadly, he seems to be doing a good job of it.

Easytoconfuse · 07/11/2025 16:24

Out of interest, what are you going to do when he can't find anywhere open? I'm wondering about a round of turkey sandwiches eaten in the back garden, and then doing a rain dance.

SlothMama14 · 07/11/2025 16:24

Tryingatleast · 07/11/2025 16:00

SlothMama14

I never see my mum so that could be me seeing it a different way but I see it that Christmas Day is meant to be for everybody and I can see why she wouldn’t want to sit in with op’s whole family for dinner, wouldn’t you just feel like you’re tagging along? We travel to my mums Christmas Eve/ morning for a few hours then have Christmas dinner here then go to his mums house Christmas night. People think we’re mad but I love that everyone gets quality time together

That sounds like a lovely Xmas Day, not mad at all! But the point you make about Christmas Day being for everyone is the whole point as far as I'm concerned – yet OP's MIL is forcing her DH to dump them to spend it with her. I think lunch is the most important part of the day with everyone round the table together.

And it makes no sense that the MIL feels left out – it's actually OP's parents turn for Xmas Day and she's muscling in! Her family is getting together on Boxing Day.

WearyCat · 07/11/2025 16:25

Feels very odd. A bit like a girl at school who’s after your best friend or your boyfriend, and who invites them to do something with just her while you and the rest of the group had planned something for all of you to do together, so creating a special twosome. Which is weird and inappropriate when the participants are 15, but even weirder and more inappropriate that your MiL is trying to cut you out so she can cosy up with your husband! Very rude to you and your family.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/11/2025 16:25

"MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.

Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago"

I took a couple of things from this.

  1. MIL plays favourites with her children. Three sons and a daughter, sounds as if the daughter was her favourite. Mostly understandable, many women feel closer to daughters than sons. They've had a tiff (did daughter not ask 'how high?' ??) but favourites must still be played and so another child must be brought onto the field as a substitute.
  2. Your husband has felt his non-favourite status keenly. That's why he's responding so eagerly to his promotion to Favoured Child Status. He's so thrilled at his mother's attention, it has blinded him to the wider reality of being not just a son but a husband and father too.

It's all a bit unhealthy, isn't it? For your husband in particular but also for her and his siblings. And it's not doing your marriage any favours either, she's effectively lobbed a hand grenade - and that hand grenade is labelled 'I Am The Woman At The Centre Of My Son's Universe'. That would be in keeping with her matriarch tendencies.

I don't know what I'd do about this. I'd be tempted to phone her up and ask what the bloody hell she thinks she's playing at, but that's just another hand grenade in your marriage, isn't it?

I think I'd keep asking him if he's felt unloved by his mother all this time, envied his sister her Favoured Child Status, maybe be a bit of a bastard and ponder out loud that 'oh well it will all go back to normal once your mum and your sister make up and then you'll remember you've a wife and children but goodness me will your wife remember she has a husband and will your children remember they have a father?' - yes, very OTT but I'm thinking it's only by being extreme will he see his own behaviour as extreme (because it is).

Long-term, I'd be more gentle and would probe into how he feels about his place within his mother's affections, his place within his siblings. But short-term I tend towards shock tactics. This might not be suitable to you though.

(Editted for typos)

itsgettingweird · 07/11/2025 16:26

So he’ll be happy next year when MIL is due to host for you and the kids to go elsewhere and not with him?

Im thinking not!

MIL can come to yours, another child or hers or if she wants she can stay alone and eat what she wants and watch Christmas tv. (which sounds bliss to me 🤣)

CountryGirlInTheCity · 07/11/2025 16:26

It’s outrageous behaviour from both of them but I would expect my DH to push back straight away.

Also, it’s very unlikely to just be 2 hours…Christmas lunch in a busy restaurant is likely to be quite a slow affair plus you’ve got picking up MIL and getting her home again as well as your DH’s journeys. I would expect him to be out for 3-4 hours. Especially if MIL wants him to go in for a ‘quick’ drink when he drops her home….

Ask him how he would feel next year when it’s MIL’s turn if you went off in the middle of the day and left him to it!

Muffinmam · 07/11/2025 16:26

I would tell him not to come back home and would have an appointment with a solicitor as soon as their office reopens.

PopcornKitten · 07/11/2025 16:26

The agreement was alternate Christmas days. She is trying to alter that for no good reason. She’ll still expect to have Christmas Day next year. She’s still seeing everyone on Boxing Day this year.
its not comparable to people who work over Christmas or people who drive around seeing a multitude of family members as this is not what the OP does.
This sounds like a MIL taking control and DH is prioritising g her over his wife and kids.
MIL has options - she’s just being inflexible.
your DH needs to grow a spine. It’s hard but you’ll have to stand your ground. My DH didn’t start to develop a shiny new spine until things with the inlaws turned bat shit and I was contemplating walking.

SweetBaklava · 07/11/2025 16:28

That’s very insulting. I would be furious. Your DH needs to grow a pair. Let them go for a walk together after lunch if they want time alone. Or go for lunch on another day!!!!! Jesus wept what a self-centred woman.

SixtySomething · 07/11/2025 16:28

Seems quite clear to me that there's more to this than meets the eye. Is there something your husband is not telling you about MIL? Something to do with her health or something like that, which makes him want to particularly tale care of her. but she doesn't want mentioned, particularly at Xmas?
Sorry, but the people sizing up for LTB are just pathetic.
Give the poor MIL a break and look for a reasonable explanation for hitting the 'I hate my MIL' button.

MrsDoubtfire1 · 07/11/2025 16:29

I can see exactly why she wants to go with your DH alone for Christmas. She is probably still grieving for the death of her husband which is still quite recent. Christmas is the worst time to miss someone you spent your life with. Now that she has retired her central focus of work has gone and she is adrift. Perhaps your husband is a nice understanding man to be around and perhaps, on his part, this is a hand hold for his mother whom he values. He probably thinks that there will be may Christmases ahead with all of you and yours but just this Christmas he wants to support his mum. I understand the situation fully. You want you and yours to all come to you to be the nurturing mother figure dispensing nutritious food and having fun and games at yours. Perhaps she does not want to face it all. Cut her and your DH a bit of slack this year.

Muffinmam · 07/11/2025 16:29

Find out where the lunch will be and then cancel the reservation. Prior to cancelling you should repeatedly make calls on behalf of your MIL requesting menu alterations and making absolutely ridiculous demands so that even if they turn up - they will be sent away.

Fitzcarraldo353 · 07/11/2025 16:29

DinoLil · 07/11/2025 15:48

You have your family 100% of the time. Your DH recognises his DM may not be able to face 'company' but would like company iyswim. Why begrudge them a couple of hours when you have the rest of the day?

Because he has plans already. They have a plan to cook dinner for 12 people and eat that meal with them. It's awful that he thinks he can just ditch those plans to do something else. Incredibly rude to the people that he was going to spend Christmas with and terrible to leave the OP to have to host alone.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 07/11/2025 16:29

Start a new tradition yourself. You and dc open gifts just before lunch. When he's gone.

Or get him a suitcase for Xmas. Have it packed when he gets back.

Fucking sap.

Milosc · 07/11/2025 16:29

I would tell your "D"H that you and your DC sadly can't make boxing day as your family wants you all to pop on out for lunch. But it's okay because you can drop him off and wave to his family before you go.

Muffinmam · 07/11/2025 16:30

MrsDoubtfire1 · 07/11/2025 16:29

I can see exactly why she wants to go with your DH alone for Christmas. She is probably still grieving for the death of her husband which is still quite recent. Christmas is the worst time to miss someone you spent your life with. Now that she has retired her central focus of work has gone and she is adrift. Perhaps your husband is a nice understanding man to be around and perhaps, on his part, this is a hand hold for his mother whom he values. He probably thinks that there will be may Christmases ahead with all of you and yours but just this Christmas he wants to support his mum. I understand the situation fully. You want you and yours to all come to you to be the nurturing mother figure dispensing nutritious food and having fun and games at yours. Perhaps she does not want to face it all. Cut her and your DH a bit of slack this year.

He died two years ago. This isn’t her first Christmas alone.

MeetMyCat · 07/11/2025 16:30

This is 100% about control and unfortunately your sucker of a husband is falling for it.

Definitely. She has forced him to choose, and he fell for it

MrsDoubtfire1 · 07/11/2025 16:30

Muffinmam · 07/11/2025 16:29

Find out where the lunch will be and then cancel the reservation. Prior to cancelling you should repeatedly make calls on behalf of your MIL requesting menu alterations and making absolutely ridiculous demands so that even if they turn up - they will be sent away.

Spiteful and controlling.

softlyfallsthesnow · 07/11/2025 16:31

She's playing power games and your DH is obviously her most biddable child - that's why she's asked him. She wants her daughter, who she's fallen out with (do we know why?) to see how loved and special she, MiL, must be to have him all to herself on Christmas Day, of all days.

Hopefully her daughter will just think your DH is a twat. I certainly do. Calls him several times a day? I'd be having words about that too.

SlothMama14 · 07/11/2025 16:31

I'd love to know the back story of why the daughter has fallen out with her. You must have some idea @Pollyxplummer!

Leavesfalling · 07/11/2025 16:31

That is not a kind grandmother to your kids, taking their dad away on Christmas Day. Pathetic of both of them.

sumayyah · 07/11/2025 16:32

Was his sister the golden child?
I'm wondering if hes jumping to her tune now because hes feeling seen now, that he finally has his mums attention rather than being second place

Either way it's not acceptable to place you and the children in second place. His priority should be you three and if his mother doesnt want to attend Christmas then boxing day it is

MrsDoubtfire1 · 07/11/2025 16:32

Muffinmam · 07/11/2025 16:30

He died two years ago. This isn’t her first Christmas alone.

Show quote history

There is no time schedule for bereavement and she is recently retired. It may be hitting her now instead.

Original poster
Pollyxplummer · 07/11/2025 16:34

Easytoconfuse · 07/11/2025 16:24

Out of interest, what are you going to do when he can't find anywhere open? I'm wondering about a round of turkey sandwiches eaten in the back garden, and then doing a rain dance.

I'm going to be very smug about it I'm afraid.

I'm not a saint

OP posts: