Why do some partners stay all day?

[Seymour5]

I’ve had orthopaedic surgery recently. Lovely unit, four bedded bay, women only. I was quite incapacitated the first day, in considerable pain, and really needed the loo. The partner of another patient, who was more ambulent, was sitting quite close by. The nurse offered a commode, but I wasn’t comfortable using one, when a man was just a few feet away. I used a frame and struggled to the toilets. I’m old and I just felt embarrassed. Was I being over sensitive?

Bring back visiting times! Why can't adults manage by themselves in hospital? They're not infants or small children.

Not oversensitive. It's not nice just having a curtain between you and other people when you're trying to do something both necessary and private.

I would have been fine just pulling a curtain across. You are not much further away from a man in mixed sex cubicle toilet.

I don’t see it makes much difference having a patient or visitor next door. It’s embarrassing regardless.
Visiting times don’t really change things, you can’t predict when you will need the toilet.
And with nurses being so stretched it is nice to have someone there to help grab stuff, get drinks, help you to toilet etc.

I agree with this! I don’t know why visitors to adults have to be there so much of the time!

I would have been ok with the curtain but I can understand why you weren’t Op.

I'd have used the commode and let that man hear me horse piss if he wants to sit on a women's hospital ward all day long.

I’m sure the answer is that nurses are too stretched these days, but filling the place with visitors doesn’t seem to be the answer!

I don’t understand why an adult needs someone with them all the time, I find visitors, mine and other people’s exhausting when I’m in hospital. They just get in the way, and as silly as it sounds, I find knowing someone is coming for an hour or two later in the day is something to looks forward too

I absolutely agree. I've been an in patient a few times this year and I don't enjoy other people's husbands so close to me.
Going to the loo is one such private matter plus medics discussing your care.
I sleep in pyjamas but I feel exposed without corsetry which I'm not allowed to wear due to my illness.
I think visitors should get two hours max then bog off.
You're not being unreasonable and sometimes I wonder if these men are control freaks (I've heard their conversation, it's frequently about how the patients illness is impacting them).

Everyone is different, have different needs and different relationships.

It would have been quite reasonable to ask the nurse to ask the visitor to leave the bay for a short period due to procedures for other patients (i.e. they don't have to say "leave so X can use a commode).

I was in for day surgery last week. On my 6 bed bay;

• early-70s who had been in for at least a couple of nights, her husband came around 10am and was still there when I left at 7pm.
• 90yo who was still there after 9 nights due to a fall, and had no visitors.
• early-60s who'd been in overnight, no visitors until she was discharged late afternoon but was on the phone a lot.
• mid-40s who'd been in at least overnight, no visitors & no or very few calls & kept curtains closed most of the time.
• early 40s in for day surgery, accompanied by both parents the whole time.
• me, DP dropped me outside and came to pick me up when I messaged that I'd been discharged. No calls, but lots of messaging.

No real disturbance from any of this, but I'd actually say the calls were the most distracting.

Lots of noisy visitors can be annoying, but a sole visitor sitting by the bedside and helping wouldn't bother me personally.

When my late-DH was admitted following his cancer diagnosis I was there from around 10am till quite late for at least a week. To be honest I didn't think he'd be coming home, and we both just wanted to spend that time together.

My friend's mother is currently in hospital and my friend is with her all day long.
She has even taken her camper van to the hospital so she can be in the ward from breakfast until bedtime and then go back and sleep in the van.

This has been going on for nearly two months now. I can understand it short term, especially if her mother was very sick, but this seems crazy to me.

She must be under the staff's feet and it must mean her mother, and perhaps other patients, can't get the rest they need. Visiting hours used to give patients privacy and rest and I'm sure that's important.

Well that’s the point isn’t it - you don’t know why some adults may have more of a need for a visitor.

But then we'd need to properly staff wards so people could have drinks and get changed etc.

Hospitals have increased visiting because it means they need to do less of the general 'care'.

I have a horrific anxiety disorder and PTSD, my husband keeps me calm, helps me not spiral and is my biggest supporter and him being with me is what I need - why should my comfort and needs matter less than someone else's (your discomfort to use the commode, my discomfort and mental health of dealing with stuff by myself)

Then my mum with dementia wouldn’t have had us to visit and help her. She does need assistance and the nurses were stretched to breaking point. I live 70 miles away and had to go every day and visiting hours would have been a hindrance.

As someone who’s rarely in hospital but has no visitors as have kids I think it’s nice to have someone there for you for support and also to eg talk to doctors with you (afterwards I wish I’d had someone there and also I’d written things down properly!!) but yes the nurse should have asked them to pop out for a few minutes for you to do what you needed to

What do you suggest parent carers do? I’m my adult DD carer. She needs to have someone with her 24/7. She can’t be left at all. They haven’t got enough staff to just have 1 staff member giving 1 to 1 care.

My husband stayed with me for as long as he was allowed as he didnt know if i'd still be alive the following day. You have no idea what peoples personal needs are because its none of your business.

And i couldnt give a shit if anyone even saw or heard me wee in a commode! When i finally was able to go on my own i'd of done it anywhere.

Recently on the maternity ward after giving birth I was admitted for 2 weeks, went home and was readmitted for a further 2 weeks, so I have plenty of experience with other patients and their visitors.

As people usually stay in for 24-48 hours I seen quite a high turnover in this time. I am amazed at how many entire families arrive and take over the bay, finding more chairs from the whole ward. Families sitting around the bed chanting and praying loudly, with all the extra lights turned on between 1-4am. One lady next to me openly admitting she wants to stay as long as possible as she has an older child and a useless husband at home, she came without a single bag for her or baby so was constantly buzzing for extra towels, hospital gowns, nappies, bottles despite having her parents, husband and other child visit every day (could they not have brought something in?)

One visitor (father of newborn) turned up a few days after babies arrival and openly told staff and everyone within earshot he wasn’t allowed to be alone with a baby so every time mum went out to vape a member of staff had to come and sit with them. This made me feel very uncomfortable going to the bathroom or sleeping overnight.

thankfully when I was readmitted I had my own bathroom.

We were getting regular meds, and drinks. It’s well staffed day surgery for many, another patient and I were kept in overnight, but the one who had the man there all day went home.

I understand when someone is seriously ill why they’d have someone with them, or with a child. I stayed with my mum when she was dying, there are lots of reasons. It just felt uncomfortable and unnecessary in this instance.

I'm a registered nurse, working in elderly care, and we have open visiting. It benefits the patients, not us. Personally, I would prefer restricted visiting hours, because it would be easier to look after my patients, but I accept that for the families and the patients, it is a kindness.

I'm horrified by the man visiting his newborn when he wasn't allowed to be alone with an infant, and the loud prayers in the early hours of the morning - surely a separate room (day room for example) could be provided for that family, so they could meet their spiritual needs without compromising other patients and their valuable sleep.

It just felt uncomfortable and unnecessary in this instance.

You don't really get to decide whether it was "unnecessary" for the other patient though. If she wanted or felt she needed her partner there she's entitled to have him there. It's not really up to you to assess whether she's correct.

There are so many little things that are easier in hospital if you have someone there. Someone to pass you something just out of reach. Someone to chase down nurses and doctors if you need help or info. Someone, God forbid, for emotional support or company!

When I visited DP in hospital I did all those things and while I was polite, courteous, respectful of everyone else's space - if another patient had complained that my mere presence was unnecessary and uncomfortable for her, even though it was perfectly within the hospital rules - frankly I'd have struggled to give a shit. When you're a hospital visitor, your number one priority is your loved one.

You could always ask the hospital to change their visiting rules but good luck with that.

I agree with you, OP. In hindsight, perhaps the best solution is for you to tell the nurse and she / he could ask the male visitor to step out while you use the commode. I wouldn’t like having him there either. But then I’m the type that doesn’t like sharing loo hand washing facilities with men either!

I think hospitals are just shit environments OP. Unfortunately it is much safer if you have someone there with you - but the disruption and lack of privacy is also rubbish for everyone.

I don't think I'd feel very comfortable with this either. But I guess maybe there's also a good reason why the "next door" patient needs someone there. It is tricky if it's a single sex ward managing male visitors and maintaining privacy/dignity for female patients.

DGM was recently admitted to hospital for heart failure and there were some families camped out all day. Signs everywhere with the visiting times on, signs saying visitors shouldn't be there at meal times unless they are helping someone eat (these weren't), no more than 2 visitors per bed, and saying to leave promptly by 8pm to let patients rest. But so many families ignored all of it and either the ward staff didn't care to have the battle with them or were too busy. Kids running around the ward too. All the chairs were taken by these families and DH and I had to stand.

I get that some patients need extra care, and there are provisions for carers to come in outside set times to help. But having the entire family camped out by the bedside just sitting around drinking tea and chatting shit? Surely not!