Why do some partners stay all day?

[Seymour5]

I’ve had orthopaedic surgery recently. Lovely unit, four bedded bay, women only. I was quite incapacitated the first day, in considerable pain, and really needed the loo. The partner of another patient, who was more ambulent, was sitting quite close by. The nurse offered a commode, but I wasn’t comfortable using one, when a man was just a few feet away. I used a frame and struggled to the toilets. I’m old and I just felt embarrassed. Was I being over sensitive?

I'm sure a lot of women wouldn't care. But being semi clothed, vulnerable, in pain and performing a bodily function in close proximity to a strange man is going to make a lot of women uncomfortable, to say the least. I don't think that's too much of a stretch to be honest.

Because they are ill and vulnerable and cannot care for or advocate for themselves

Yes - excellent reasons not to allow random strangers, with no background cheks, into a patient's space.

Exactly, when I was in with both of them there was a few occasions when other patients shouted over, excuse me you wouldn’t mind passing me x,y,z off the bedside table or moving this etc because they didn’t have any visitors and didn’t want to bother the nurses.

I don't think anybody here is suggesting that patients who need extra care shouldn't have their carers there to help them. I think the objection is to visitors hanging around all day every day for no reason other than company and turning up and leaving when they feel like (or, in the case of my DF, who is a "camper", because they can't manage their own anxiety about their loved one if they're not there all the time watching).

You're not wrong about the state of care, and it is woeful, and if your loved one is vulnerable and can't self advocate or understand things about their treatment, having a carer and advocate is essential. But whole families camping out from breakfast until bed time really isn't helping the staff, either. It's also a catch 22 - if someone has a visitor all day, they're more likely to leave them to it and they might miss things.

100% i had an awful experience where the visitor a husband of someone who kind of knew me from work (customer) not only listened in but started talking to me about it and not in a nice way kind of a see nothing wrong with you kind of way and that I needed to get back to work . It was one test that came back good id already been in a month and there was lots wrong id had a brain bleed which had caused allsorts of problems. It still really annoys me

my point was that the issue is to be in close proximity to a strange ANYONE.

Being on a ward make a lot of us uncomfortable, it's 2025 it's unacceptable. Next curtain being a visitor or another patient makes no difference, they're just as bad as each other.

I don't know the other patients is quite different its amazing how quickly you bond with others patients in your room when you're staying in but random people coming and going is definitely different

I'd rather have my partner all day (or sister, or brother, someone) to create some kind of "barrier" against other people in the ward

It's even worst when a patient complains about closed curtains and nurses tries to get them all open because it's the preference of one person! (happened to me, she wanted a "brighter" room, the selfish idiot). When you can't get out of ben, it's near impossible to close the curtains again yourself.

It's not visitors the problem and the lack of privacy, dignity and well being, it's people in general, most of them other patients. Some even seem to think there's some kind of "community" because you have the ill fortune to end up on the same ward.

Partner any time!

I am lucky enough that I don't end up that often in hospital, but the very last thing I want to do is communicate let alone bond with other patients. I might make the odd friend, I am not antisocial at all, but being in the hospital at the same time doesn't mean we have anything in common.

Same with commuting trains, school gates.. you can make friends, but you don't have to talk to everyone. Partner seem to stop people from trying to intrude.

I literally had to be on the ward as much as possible for my mum when she was admitted to advocate for her and provide support and care.

She had no history of dementia and had probably suffered a stroke plus had UTI but one of the doctors misread handwritten notes and read arthritis as Alzheimer’s. They were unaware that she had RA and had been seen by rheumatology in the same hospital for years. Her routine medication was stopped abruptly and she was admitted to a dementia ward where her delirium was ignored despite sudden onset of delusional beliefs and hallucinations.

Her personal care including feeding and fluid intake was shocking. I lived 250 miles away and had primary aged DC with additional needs but the staff expected me to be on the ward all day and every day to keep her calm, order her meals, make sure she ate and drank etc. If I left overnight or, god forbid, was not there at the weekend, when I went back I was made to feel guilty that I had left and would be told that she had had a fall, had been distressed etc (because I hadn’t been there to provide 1:1, only I could calm her when she was distressed).

In my absence, she was given no support to eat, drink, wash or change into clean clothes. When I returned she would have an electronic monitor clipped to her clothes so she didn’t fall out of bed (again) but the nurse call device would be deliberately placed out of her reach. They were aware of acute deterioration and she was supposed to have high calorie meals and fluid intake measured but no support to actually eat or drink was provided by anyone other than me.

It’s very distressing to watch a loved one deteriorate due to lack of basic care whilst in hospital because it exceeds the duties of health care workers but is not the duty of nurses or doctors. It is made worse when you are made to feel that it is not the failure of the health service but a personal failure because it is actually your duty to ensure personal care.

I’d prefer the health service to be honest about what will and won’t be provided so that families, additional insurance, the LA can plan to meet the gap.

OP in your case it does sound like the ‘visitor’ was sticking around waiting for discharge - there can be a wait of hours before the paperwork is completed.

When your in hospital with the same people for weeks or months at a time. You bond over all the embarrassing things that happen in hospital like every morning the nurse going round the room asking the stool chart questions. Peeing and pooing infront of each other and hearing each others medical problems. Talking about the staff you like and don't like etc its just what happens when your with people for that long. I've made some great friends in hospital who I still speak to.

I dont think people should be there for too long. It's not fair on others. I remember hospital as a young woman and my parents totally stressing me out by insisting on being there. I hate fussing and that's literally what they did all day long. I couldn't sleep or rest with them sitting there gaping at me. They had no interest in hearing what i wanted and kept insisting. I had a longer stint in my mid 30s, about a week and didn't tell anyone except DH. He visited every day for an hour or two and dropped in what I wanted. I looked forward to his visits but was always relieved when he left. I was there to rest and I prefer to rest alone.

This is how I am I don't ever tell anyone when I'm in hospital I hate visitors for more then an hour its so tiring being in hospital

Then you get the bloke who arrives at 8.30 am interfering with the morning routine and then his chair is pushed so far back through the curtain I thought he was actually visiting me!! PITA. He would call his wife up when he wasn't there and many times she lied and made an excuse to get off the phone!

Thats your choice. You could have told them to leave?

People with anxiety or serious health issues may NEED their partners there.

Unfortunately it’s what the people want. What they want they often get. Years ago patients especially with stroke or brain related problems would have split visiting times to allow them time to have an afternoon nap & allow their brain to rest. This has now gone & visitors sometimes want to stay later than all day. I don’t think the patients truly want a stream of guests. Most want rest or just their closest person.

I found the tv blaring all day unbearable after I had an emergency hysterectomy and complications caused by an undiagnosed endocrine disease. I just wanted peace and quiet.

When my DH had cancer surgery. I turned up in the ward early in the morning, to help him begin eating, walking and going to the loo. The nursing staff were too busy. He got out of there in record time, freeing up a bed and also coming home where he was able to sleep and recover. Sometimes family is needed to help.

But the nuisance is the male partner who refuses to leave, even briefly. A patient would not be discharged to suit a selfish man.

Being there all day, and not considering that the other patients also have needs - which might include not wanting a random man around all the time.

If his partner DID need him there... other peoples opinion isn't relevant.
If he's sitting there quietly I dont see an issue.

One patient's needs/desires aren't more important than everyone else though - it's utterly selfish to have what is a random man to everyone else on the ward constantly.

Neuro and rehab wards DO tend to have set visiting hours and limited numbers of visitors- my dad recently was in hospital due to having a stroke- we couldn't be there all day - they were very strict.

YOUR needs dont over-ride the person who may require familial support either... see how that works?

Because the staff no longer look after patients. Most of the time they rely on visitors to do so