Why do some partners stay all day?

[Seymour5]

I’ve had orthopaedic surgery recently. Lovely unit, four bedded bay, women only. I was quite incapacitated the first day, in considerable pain, and really needed the loo. The partner of another patient, who was more ambulent, was sitting quite close by. The nurse offered a commode, but I wasn’t comfortable using one, when a man was just a few feet away. I used a frame and struggled to the toilets. I’m old and I just felt embarrassed. Was I being over sensitive?

It also made it very noisy despite earplugs when I just wanted to sleep. I was recently in for a few weeks and the ward were strict on visiting times thank goodness as it made me uncomfortable when there were lots of people there esp men. I had to use commode and have new stoma changed plus for first week couldn’t wear knickers so was v conscious of accidentally flashing people once my brain started working again. So in my view YANBU.

No you're not being oversensitive and someone else being fine with it is completely irrelevant to how you feel.

This was my thought as a HCP. Although not pleasant it has been shown that early mobilisation aids recovery and avoids other risks . So although I would feel the same as you, he inadvertently did you a favour!

Totally agree.

I am seriously physically disabled.

i’ve had a number of surgeries.
if my ExH had not been there to help I wouldn’t have been fed, I needed his help to
toilet etc as well.

wards aren’t staffed well enough to actually care for people. It’s standard with disabled people that you need family or carers in with you or
yoi’ll be left unfed and in pain.

obviously it should be better and family shouldn’t be needed.

That doesn't mean he has to be there all day and not be respectful to others though. It's not just your ward.

Ah OP I empathise, I remember when I was a young mum in hospital on a ward of 4, I felt so vulnerable, in pain, was trying to breastfeed which was making me physically sick due to after pains and the woman opposite me had her husband there. I’m not sure why as it was quite early in the morning and my husband was ordered away once I transferred. It was just awful, ended up having a home birth for my second purely due to the experience after giving birth.

Yanbu, I had an operation in 2020, so all the curtains had to be open due to covid.

When I came round there was a woman across from me with her partner there for his 1 hour visiting slot, and I had my breast hanging out. I was embarrassed, alone, vulnerable, and then when I told the nurse I was shouted at for complaining to her when they were working through covid.

About 20 years ago I was in a mixed sex ward and the guy across from me came and pulled my covers off me, I was terrified.

Privacy and dignity are an afterthought in the NHS ime.

Look up the case of the unsolved murder/sexual assault on a stroke patient at Blackpool Hospital and the ongoing inquory and dismissals of deviant staff at that hospital.

I shall not be leaving any family member unattended in a hospital moving forward.

I have a degree of sympathy in that basically hospitals aren't staffed to provide "care" to patients any more, beyond medical treatment like changing dressings, giving medication, checking blood pressure/oxygen saturation levels.

So a patient who doesn't have a family carer on hand to help with things like toileting, dressing, brushing hair, eating/drinking, could have really quite a shit time of it. Some patients can manage if course, others can't and you hear horror stories in some busy hospitals of older people wetting themselves or being put in incontinence pants because there's not enough staff to take them to the loo timely & they need help.

If you all are determined to have your partners on wards with vulnerable women at least get them to behave with decency.

Going to the toilet, especially a poo, is embarrassing behind a curtain no matter who is there. If you’re all patients and “in it together” then you are empathetic as you know you all do what you have to do. I do think it makes a difference with visitors because there’s so little space they are practically next to your own bed. And… I don’t really know how to explain it, but because they don’t have to wee or poo behind a curtain there is no camaraderie with a visitor

And you’d be told that he isn’t if the ward allows visitors all day. If you repeatedly asked and made a nuisance of yourself, you would be more likely to be asked to leave.

In this case. Was the visitor meant to telepathically know that the op wanted the toilet?

I'm really surprised to see so little empathy on this thread from some people, I don't think it requires a giant leap of imagination to understand why visitors might need to stay all day, especially on an orthopedic ward where people likely have difficulty moving.

OP if you had a visitor they could have asked the man to step outside or helped you to the loo

Don't blame patients, blame the ridiculous ward system that still exists in this country, in other countries you have at most 2 beds in a room

They have visiting times in the hospital I work at.

Presumably given the close quarters of the ward it's not unlikely that he heard the suggestion of a commode and could have offered to step out. It's not hard to be mindful of the people around you when you're in their space.

I agree, when I had DD on a transitional unit one of the dad’s wouldn’t leave, he was loud on his phone all day. At one point a midwife said ‘you need to leave now as we have women in their pyjamas’.

But women must be able to have the single sex provision the NHS is supposed to provide.

Most of the assaults on women are not committed by staff but by other men on women’s wards (or the supposedly non existent “mixed” wards). Some of the most egregious cases have involved the hospital lying and saying there were no men on the ward resulting in women being disbelieved. None of the visitors or patients are subject to any form of background checks before being given free access to these intimate spaces with women in a vulnerable state. Maternity wards in particular should be controlling access.

I’d much rather the NHS was honest and said “fund your own personal care” and we all took out insurance for that purpose with the state funding for insurance below certain incomes. They can use that fee to fund properly checked and supervised HCAs and decent food. This happens in more than one of the countries described by the Nuffield foundation as having an NHS style model.

I think there should be more restrictions and rules. When my mother was in hospital for a week, the woman in the next bed had her daughter with her all day, every day, and she talked loudly almost all the time, making it impossible for my mother to sleep. She needed to rest! If people want to sit quietly with someone then that’s fine, but they should be doing their utmost not to disturb others. Phone calls should also be limited, they are disruptive wherever you are. And big family visits should be prevented, as well, they’re obviously going to disturb everyone around them! Yes, different patients have different needs, and if someone needs someone with them 24/7 for a good reason then that should be accommodated, but it should be done with maximum consideration of others. Hospital wards aren’t social spaces, they’re for caring for the sick, who should always come first.

Totally agree.
My husband is due major surgery- he has anxiety - never had surgery before either.
I will be there as long as I can unless I'm evicted- its what he needs- frankly other patients are not my concern

Honestly I very much doubt he was listening to the nurses conversation with another patient.

For visiting hours to work, you need competent and capable care. The partner there would probably help someone to the toilet if they needed it. You were offered a choice but chose not to use it. You really can’t complain about what is allowed. They are allowed to be there, so I guess not much you can do

I cannot see how he was being disrespectful?

Apart from special needs,poor mental health and the very frail I really don’t think it’s necessary for adults to have a visitor for hours on end !
It’s tiring for all concerned and lack of privacy for other patients.