Why do some partners stay all day?

[Seymour5]

I’ve had orthopaedic surgery recently. Lovely unit, four bedded bay, women only. I was quite incapacitated the first day, in considerable pain, and really needed the loo. The partner of another patient, who was more ambulent, was sitting quite close by. The nurse offered a commode, but I wasn’t comfortable using one, when a man was just a few feet away. I used a frame and struggled to the toilets. I’m old and I just felt embarrassed. Was I being over sensitive?

I stayed with my late husband when he went in for day surgery. Even though it was only day surgery, he was dying for other reasons.

The other patient may have been more physically able than you but perhaps needs more emotional/mental support or advocacy. They may have nurodivergence. I agree it’s embarrassing though.

I didn't know this was a thing. My local hospital has visiting times and they stick to them. You wouldn't be allowed visitors hanging around all day.

Agree with this 👆

I would prefer visiting times, however I have a couple of friends whose husbands were in after falls.

Both had types of dementia

If my friends or their families hadn't been there, they wouldn't have been washed or changed or eaten or moved when they were able to be up

It's an utter disgrace

for support, for advocacy, for safety, for company. many reasons

Lots of people have bad experiences or poor care in hospitals and want support or to feel they have a another of eyes to corroborate what is happening.

We have seen so many posts on here about peoples friends and families experiences when alone in hospital, or missed medication.
That young man recently with downs syndrome died of starvation on hospital as he was noted as nil by mouth for 9 days!

People need advocates, a lot of care is lacking or poor and without witness as patient you are often dismissed.

I have been with a patient who was accused of losing cancer medication when it never arrived, she was already deathly ill, confused and weak and being denied a second batch of meds. Turns out they never delivered it, how can a sick frail person be expected to argue back and forth with staff, for life saving medication.

I could go on and on, but visitors and people who care about you encourage recovery.

Its entirely reasonable to complain that a women’s ward allows unchecked and unsupervised men unlimited access.

If the hospital cannot provide care then it should be calling that out and telling patients to fund it as an extra rather than using random people as free HCAs. Its simply wrong that unqualified and unchecked people are being used as HCAs simply to maintain the pretence that NHS care is “free”.

@C8H10N4O2try fighting that with the NHs 🤣

I agree.

Years ago a hospital near us brought in open- ended visiting, so some visitors were there all day. It wasn't long before both staff and - crucially - patients were begging to go back to the traditional one hour in the afternoon & one hour in the evening. When you're ill, in pain etc, the last thing you want is people visiting - you want to be left alone.

Ok, it's super super hard for men to mindful. Message received.

If it's so hard they shouldn't be on the wards and that's that.

I agree. The patient should be centred and the purpose for them being in hospital should be centred. It's not so they can listen to visitors phone calls. Everyone on a hospital ward should be on their absolute best behaviour but bearing in mind the vulnerability of patients, that goes for visitors doubly so. It's just basic decency to take your phone calls outside and use the public facilities, not the ward ones. You shouldn't be imposing on anyone and should be doing everything in your power to be unobtrusive.

I receive calls in work every day of people describing absolutely awful care in hospital due to under staffing mostly. I think it's important now that people have someone who cares about them to help advocate for them. It's also really lonely for a lot of people who are in hospital for a longer period, and having someone with them can help their mental health and ultimately their physical recovery.

Enforce scheduled visiting times. Post hysterectomy, I was exhausted and in pain and did not want to hear all the extra visitor noises. Some patients had the world and his wife visit, all day every day for the 6 days I was in.

I absolutely felt like that on the maternity ward after giving birth. Men/partners were allowed overnight and I hated it. Nice for the other women to have help, I know, but I was on my own and the most vulnerable I’ve ever been and found it uncomfortable.

in many cases, if they could manage by themselves, they wouldn't be in hospital.

Hospital is not a pleasant place to be, it's great to have company when you can.

Countries with bedrooms, and no outdated and depressing communal wards have much less issues.

It doesn't matter if someone is a patient or a visitor frankly, they're still "people", some of us suffer from the lack of privacy full stop anyway.

I recently had a baby and the postnatal ward was hell. I stayed for two nights, despite wanting to go home immediately, to get breastfeeding established. Having barely slept for four days prior because of various induction attempts followed by a c-section, the ward seemed designed to keep you awake as much as possible. Partners were allowed to stay 24 hours a day - I don’t mind that in principle but there was no expectation that anyone would be quiet or turn out lights overnight. One woman had repeated loud phone calls with her partner - on speakerphone! - at all hours of the night. On the Saturday, the ward was packed full all day with visitors. Then there were other things like being woken a couple of minutes after managing to start napping by your curtains being flung back to give you a meal menu. That, combined with actually necessary interruptions to take observations, needing to feed frequently and people’s babies all crying at different times, meant that I left feeling an absolute shell of myself having been unable to begin to recover in any way. Obviously the feeding and crying babies part is unavoidable but the other elements could and should be much better controlled. It was almost impossible to take the advice of sleeping when your baby sleeps because it was so bright and noisy most of the day and night.

It’s not just men (I’m a woman) but happen to have spent a lot of times as a visitor in hospitals recently as both parents have had joint replacements. I wasn’t ever listening to conversations between the other patients and nurses.

Yes OP, very embarrassing. At a time when you are at your most vulnerable too. And no, unless there are particular circumstances (patient dying or really needs extra support) then there's no need for male visitors to hang around all day. I doubt many women would want to piss and poo when they're in extreme pain and can hardly move, under the nose of a strange bloke. If it's no big deal then why the furore about transwomen in ladies loos?

what make you think they want to do that in front of a strange woman, just because she happens to be a patient?

Makes no difference if it's male or female for many of us, it's embarrassing and unwanted. Having visitors helping out someone makes no difference, A ward is a ward.

Exactly this.
My dad has been in and out of hospital recently- I was visiting HIM- not eavesdropping on anyone else.
Nobody gives a shit about anyone other than the person they are visiting- get over yourselves.

I can see it from both side loads of visitors piss me off you are so exhausted from being woken up all night for obs and then being woken up at 6 am for meds that it would be nice to be able to sleep a bit in the day and its so loud when all these visitors are there and it especially pisses me of now when you see visitors live streaming on tiktok in hospital wards there is no privacy but on the otherside of that there is no actual nursing or care anymore so relatives are the ones who end up having to do it so need to be there to do it. I've been in hospital when there are loads of visitors and I've been in when wards are locked down due to covid. The closed ward where definitely nicer but I'm still young and capable it would be very different if I was reliant on someone having to care for me.

Because they are ill and vulnerable and cannot care for or advocate for themselves. Wards are hugely understaffed and unfortunately do not care for people in the way they should when it come to the basics like eating, washing, dressing and toileting.

I would be spending as much time as possible at the hospital with a loved one to ensure they are properly cared for!

That is absolutely not true.

I have often visited family in hospital and there are always people who can tell you full details of the other patients' lives

Nothing changes when you sit back and just throw your hands in the air and just accept it. The reason its as bad as it is in some hospitals is because the public just passively accept it and tell others to be “grateful” for because its “free”.

In the mean time random men are allowed onto women’s wards, sexual and physical assaults take place and posters like you think this is ok.

Worth noting also that not all hospitals allow this. If the safety and privacy of patients is too expensive in some hospitals how come others deliver a better and safer service?

Honestly the notion that this is what we have to accept is an excellent reason for revisiting the whole model in favour of one which actually provides safe and modern care.