Mum on class WhatsApp group going on about her MH all the time!

[Jillcc1]

This really.
My DC is in Year 5 and most of the parents are in class WhatsApp group. We chat about school stuff but also parties, Halloween events that sort of thing. No one really writes about their personal lives, health, work etc because it's not appropriate in the class chat. It should be about the kids and school, right?
There's 1 mum who goes on and onnnnnnn about her mental health and neuro diversity struggles at every single opportunity.. Even when someone might have posted a quick question about homework or school lunches etc.
She always steers the chat towards her own issues.
I get that she might be struggling, but I'd this any reason to drag other parents down and depress them? Especially when we're all busy with our own lives.

So some people don't have adequate boundaries. The point still stands the WhatsApp group is not this person's free therapy group, her off loading has a negative impact on other people.

You could message her directly and ask her to stop? Although if everyone just keeps ignoring her and not reacting she might get the message. I'd get annoyed though, the class chat is there for sharing school related info, even sticking to just school stuff there can be a lot of messages. I know lots of people keep the chat muted as they just can't be bothered with daily notifications, they dip in when they need to ask something.

Just ignore her messages. This tendency now to push people towards 'mental health is not a stigma' mantra. It is literally an invitation to insert into any non-mental health-related conversation 'I am autistic/my dc are neurodivergent/I am depressed' as if anybody gives a shit. Nobody does. And nobody is even vaguely interested, unless it is a special, standalone conversation/thread about those issues. Soon there will be badges to announce to all 'I am not well in the head' like the ones with the 'Baby on board' in London, so everybody would see.

You can have compassion and not get actively involved with someones issues.
Its a shame this lady may not have anywhere else to discuss these things but thats not OP's problem and her posting like that on a school WA group could affect her childs social life. People will be worried that any playdate could turn into a therapy session

Maybe because it actually is. Social anxiety, lack of social skills, and the depression that seems to be a common trait of people who are autistic, for example. Everyone in my family who is on the spectrum has to take antidepressants because the cause is biological.

The problem is there isn’t a lot you can do. These groups allow people to hold others hostage to their problems. For example if you messaged her directly and signposted her to some appropriate support you would probably be accused of not making her feel welcome on the group.

This is really inappropriate. Depending on the exact nature of her messages I think a general admin message asking the group to stick to school chat, or a signpost to support would be useful?

I had a colleague do this on our team’s weekly zoom chats, she would go into great detail about her poor mental health and it was awful. My boss had to be extremely abrupt to get her to stop but she’d do it again the next time.

I had suffered a serious of horrendous bereavements at the time, a colleague of mine had had another failed IVF after ten years of trying - having all that dumped on us didn’t exactly improve our mental health!

How boring, does she ever tell jokes or funny stories.

Absolutely, I sad as much upthread. The person offloading on the WhatsApp is being inappropriate. And those who can't read it without being affected by it have a problem with their own boundaries that would be worth getting sorted, because she won't be the only person in life displaying uncomfortable emotions and if you are affected by everyone doing so, life becomes quite tough.

i don't get that attitude. It is a closed group with a specific purpose and admins. They own it and they should be stopping this.

Nothing to do with the fact that this woman probably needs help. A lot of us do and we don't deserve to have other people's MH issued dumped on us unwillingly. What if it tips another group member over the edge? It is sad, and she needs help but she is overstepping and someone needs to gently point that out and point her in the direction of appropriate places to dump.

They might try, but they only get to do it if you let them. The point about boundaries is they're not a silver bullet that magically stops people doing the thing you want them to stop. They likely won't, and they may even try harder once they realise you have put boundaries in place. It's for you to enforce your own boundaries. When it comes to taking on other people's emotions, that's a choice. It might not feel like it if earlier experiences have trained you to overly attend to others feelings, but it is.

👏👏 this
Well said.

Until the OP gives some actual examples of what she has said we are all speculating on this anyway. Dependent on what she is saying we may have a different opinion on this.
Also some kindness goes a long way. Who knows when we may need to reach out.

Mute the grp and just check in when you feel you need information yourself about something. I left our class WA group pretty sharpish in reception and have managed fine without it!

I think it is worth engaging enough to say 'oh dear, are you getting help with that?' and maybe flagging it to the school in case they can signpost any avenues of support - a mum with two children at our primary school abruptly killed herself one school night after the kids were in bed a few years ago, so seeming as if there is a minimum level of day to day functionality/still planning things in for the children's schedules in the weeks ahead etc doesn't necessarily mean there isn't a crisis.

She doesn't need examples, if it's a class group, it's obviously not the place for one parent to monopolise the discussion and go and on about her issues, and beliefs and bring everything back to herself.

No one cares! Not the time, nor the place. Asking a simple question about homework shouldn't bring on a full lecture about child development, her mental health, or how unfair it is that her special child has not got his own private TA (we all have that parent on our groups, there's always one and it's exhausting 😂)

Kindness has never meant people need to be pushover or forced to listen through long-winded rants and opinions.

People are very kind as it is, never telling that parent to shut up, even when they would love to!

I resent that though, why should I be the one forced to leave a group created for information and tips, because of one person? Why should the bullies always win? They don't get to force people out, it's not fair, and I don't accept that.

Same way I won't accept for my kids to move class if they are being bullied, it's the bully who needs to be expelled and moved, not the victims!

Its not the right place in the WhatsApp group I suppose, but raising neurodiverae children can be lonely. She may be reaching out im hopes of some support, and dont get me wrong I know we all have busy lives and our own things..... however it could be an idea to reach out from time to time away from the group.

Also to note it is not a given, however neurodoversity does run in families. When we were young ot was not diagnosed, however it could be possible that this mom is neurodiverse and doesn't quite understand social interaction and social cues in the same way the rest of you do.

Im also not diminishing the feeling of seeing her messages and rolling your eyes. Because I do have a friend that I dread answering the phone to ngl, shes not a bad person but is depressed and the conversation always sways that way. I give what I can mentally as and when I can. If I feel I have the mental capacity I will check in with her, if I have jad a particularly stressful day/week and she calls i do watch the phone ring.

So im not expecting you to be this mom's 'person' however the odd check in personally from time to time could be helpful for her, and limit the amount of that talk she is putting in the WhatsApp group

this^
she probably has ADHD

Agreed. The issues she's raising may well affect multiple people in the group, and it's a "safe space" for them outside of that.

I have a friend group chat where if any of us posts anything - maybe their own issue, maybe a light-hearted meme, maybe a plan to meet up etc - with a wholesale rant about her latest issues.

It's like she forgets we exist until reminded, at which point we become avatars of personal support for her.

I mean I am neither neurodivergent nor suffering from MH issues so I have no skin in the game but ....wow.

@Jillcc1
The answer is communities.

I would speak to the moderators and see if you can switch to a "community" group on WA.

This can have different threads so something like
"Core Class Info" this thread is a place to get core information re: school and class - questions and info only no non related chat
"school social and after school clubs" - this thread is a place to get info and ask questions about after school clubs and socials activities like birthdays
"SEN chat"
"Chit chat"
"everything else"
Etc

This filters her nonsense out of the chat you want while letting "kinder" mums interact and support her with her troubles.

Maybe the groups in your schools have been more like that, but my kids have been across three primary schools, and there's no 'admins' or 'creators' that wield such power. The whatsapps are created more naturally as a full group effort, with no one clear leader(s). Therefore trust no one can truly slap any 'rules' on the table.

If someone feels brave enough to gently have a word with the woman, then more power to them – I hope she takes it well.

This is a really good idea. It also subtly sends a message that she is cluttering up the "core information" thread, without telling her oh shut up, we don't care.

We don't know if it is full on script about her and her childrens mental health or if she is just someone who says things like 'there is so much home work, its making my head hurt and I did have a night at the theatre planned' 'DS came home today and he hated PE so much he was crying, anyone elses child feel the same' 'I'm feeling poorly today, is anything going around the class' . We are making assumptions from what the OP said, she may be right or she may have a very low tolerance. Until there are examples we don't actually know to what extent it is. You may not require more information but to make a judgment I would.
Some people may like more chit chat in the group or are just more chatty people, some won't. We are all different. I just think that people here are responding to what they think she is saying without knowing.
We (and possibly the OP) doesn't know if something she has brought up in the group chat has then sparked a conversation in the playground where someone has seen some common ground and wanted to talk further about it and so it makes her feel that it is a place where it is ok to have those other conversations.

Why not make two groups. I have 2 groups in my work chat, one is factual business chat (and has no chatting in the title) and then one chatting group. The business one remains factual and I am able to find business info I need simply. If I need a chat about it or anything worky I, and my colleagues use the other one. People then can either opt in or out of either chat and join in when they want to. They can even mute the chatty one and just check back when they have space to.