Mum on class WhatsApp group going on about her MH all the time!

[Jillcc1]

This really.
My DC is in Year 5 and most of the parents are in class WhatsApp group. We chat about school stuff but also parties, Halloween events that sort of thing. No one really writes about their personal lives, health, work etc because it's not appropriate in the class chat. It should be about the kids and school, right?
There's 1 mum who goes on and onnnnnnn about her mental health and neuro diversity struggles at every single opportunity.. Even when someone might have posted a quick question about homework or school lunches etc.
She always steers the chat towards her own issues.
I get that she might be struggling, but I'd this any reason to drag other parents down and depress them? Especially when we're all busy with our own lives.

‘Given that this WhatsApp is solely for our children and their school arrangements, I’m wondering if people would like to join a separate one for any other discussions. I’m happy to set this up so please let me know if you would like to join it. Have a great weekend xx’

It’s definitely not appropriate but it’s very symptomatic of how she’s feeling - a cry for help and acknowledgment. You don’t have to do anything about that but you can recognise it’s the behaviour of someone who’s not well and let it pass over you with a bit more understanding.

I mean its inappropriate and a bit tedious for the others on the chat, but... that's the nature of poor mental health, often people lose sight of others' needs. She's obviously struggling and reaching out for help.

How well do you know her? If you know her well enough it might be worth dropping a line to her offline and saying do you want to chat and having a quiet word that its not really cool to burden the entire class chat with this. Or possibly see if anyone else who knows her better could do this.

Her behaviour is quite self-sabotaging and someone should do her a favour by having a quiet chat and letting her know they are there to help but to please help herself by cooling it.

Most people seem to be saying YABU but I agree with you, OP. Even if neurodiverse, most adults know that over-sharing is a big no-no. Plus, the whatsapp poster is assuming everyone else in the group has no struggles. I can imagine that someone in that whatsapp group who’s dealing with bereavement and cancer might be feeling down already, without having to take on the stranger’s woes.

I doubt OP is gonna instigate a group devoted to discussing this woman's issues let alone be happy to do so. I also think any attempt by one member (not the admin/originatir) of the group to define what this group is solely for will open themselves up to someone else challenging that definition. If anything, if the woman's issues are taking over that group, OP could set up a separate one that is soley for school matters. But that could be a bit war-like.

Nobody 'has to take on' other peoples' problems, though. There's empathy and that's one thing, and then there's being dragged down by hearing about other peoples' feelings. If you can't help but always be dragged down, that suggests an issue with boundaries.

I'd message her privately and just ask how she is, gently say that the class group thing is more for practical info before someone with shit social skills tells her the same but in an unpleasant way.

I had this in a pregnancy WhatsApp group. This woman went on and on about herself but had 2 other chat members encouraging her. Really ruined the group.

It's a bit hard to tell if it's just going into a echo chamber or it anyone does acknowledge her?

Some of our what's app groups are more supportive and chatty than others. My junior child's is very sterile fir example and both the secondary ones aren't. I asked in the junior one if anyone else had a EHCP if they wanted to talk privately about secondary places. I know there are four kids with a EHCP in the class but no one replied. So I won't discuss it again. It can be very hard for some people to read the room. To me it seems beneficial if local parents discussed local SEN provision as we all have that in common. But no one wants to for their own reason. I know to only put out feelers once. Other might think they need to try harder. No one gives you the socail skill rule book

Surely you can tell from the messages whether it's that she's struggling or she's just trying to drop her MH into every single thing and make it her personality.

I'd reply to occasional messages if she seems to be struggling - maybe you can have a link to a MH board she could switch to, or a link to local societies she could approach and just respond with one of these depending on her situation? That way you don't have to become embroiled, but you have shown her there are other places she can go to talk about this.

But there are, unfortunately, quite a few people who make 'MY MENTAL HEALTH STRUGGLES' their entire life, not because they don't understand social cues and appropriateness but because they want to be the centre of every conversation. Popping a link in to more appropriate places to talk about this and telling her that this group is for school chat only, and ignoring any further attempts by her to engage people in talking about HER might be the best way to deal with either case scenario.

It’s no that straightforward though is it? How many of us here have our own struggles? For me it’s not enough hours in the day, not enough money at the end of it, disabled child and family member with psychosis - I have to consciously work to keep myself on an even keel and even having to listen to other people’s MH problems makes me plummet. So yes, this would drag me down and depress me too. You can’t just offload on to people who haven’t offered and aren’t able to help you.

If someone is able to have a gentle guiding word with her that would be lovely. Otherwise a gentle, un pointed reminder in group and deleting irrelevant messages.

I agree that it isn't appropriate. It's not for people who are aquaintances really to have to take on this mental load on a group that's intended for practical reasons. I think talk to the administrator and request that either this is strictly kept as a group for admin and that irrelevant posts are removed or that 2 groups are made, one for friendly chitchat and one for life admin.

Yes a bit of kindness goes a long way sometimes but equally trying to use an aquaintance group as an emotional crutch is neither helpful, sustainable or appropriate.

FWIW there's none of this on my dd's school watsapp. Rarely has there been a bitchy or irrelevant post. It's not unreasonable to expect this.

Exactly. Impossible to have any real opinion without knowing this.

Is she replying to a notice about World Book Day that the stress of finding a costume will impact her mental health? Is she replying to a comment about sports day that she finds large crowds overwhelming and probably won’t go? Is she responding to a message about school dinners that she’s never really been happy since the divorce?

I’d have a different on opinion on all three.

I’d ignore her messages, it’s not the right place to be sharing sensitive, personal things. You don’t know her well and if you respond to her, you could end up being her default mental health support.

What I would do, however, (because I’m not a completely heartless cow) is have a private chat with the pastoral department at school. Explain she’s put quite a few messages relating to her mental health difficulties on the group chat and you’re worried about her. Explain that the messages on the group are unusual as it’s only used for school purposes by all the other parents and that whilst you don’t want to get involved on a personal level, you are concerned about her and her children.

Hopefully they can get in touch with her and point her in the direction of mental health support like her GP and the usual mental health charities.

Exactly how embarrassing for her kids. This is so absolutely inappropriate.

Her poor DCs, who is going to want to arrange play dates with them or invite them to parties if it means their mother spends the whole time offloading her problems.

There are numerous hotlines, support groups and online forums, if she doesn't have friends or family. We need to shake off this toxic notion that strangers and aquaintences owe you therapy.

Hopefully if enough of you ignore her, she will get the message.

Neurodiversity isn't a diagnosis in itself.

Is she autistic or adhd or both? Or is she self diagnosed. Those without a diagnosis tend to say they re on the spectrum or neurodiverse.

She needs to find an outlet that is better suited to her a child's class whatsapp chat

It can occasionally get like this on DDs class WhatsApp /Brownies group chat by certain people.

I just try to be kind but not say too much.
An acknowledgment like , hope you are ok/hope things improve, can go a long way. Rather than tumbleweed!

It’s not the right place to talk about your mental health struggles, but nothing is lost by being kind.

Absolutely this. Mental health problems don't discriminate.

People who've never had serious issues with their mental health might not ever be able to have true empathy. They can be kind and sympathetic but it might never be totally empathetic.

I understand what you’re saying. But aren’t these ad campaigns for the people who don’t talk to anyone about their feelings and that’s what leads to suicide. The point is to reach out to a friend or service who can get you started in getting help. But it seems like this mum is regularly updating people she barely knows, so has no problem talking about her MH.

I have known several people who take the message to mean using a friend as their personal therapist, and it is very draining. Depressing maybe wasn’t the right word but I can understand how the OP would feel because the WhatsApp group isn’t the appropriate place. And if you’re empathetic then it’s jarring to have difficult topics forced on you when you just want to talk about Halloween parties or world book day

I'm guessing if she's ND she doesn't really get that she's not supposed to over-share on a group chat like this. Obviously she is trying to reach out but not an appropriate setting.

I wonder if you could signpost her to some MH support groups, theres places near me that do coffee meet ups etc. They may also have their own whatsap groups that she could offload in?

@Cinnamon77 That's very unpleasant of you.

People with ADHD are four times more likely to exhibit suicidal behaviour (attempts and death). With a comorbid psychiatric condition, ADHD sufferers are 10 times more likely to exhibit suicidal behaviour. https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/the-british-journal-of-psychiatry/article/suicidal-behaviour-among-persons-with-attentiondeficit-hyperactivity-disorder/6CECF48A64E415C871D233B2607114ED

A recent study by the universities of Cambridge and Bournemouth found that 1 in 4 autistic people had attempted suicide (the rate for non-autistic people is 1 in 37). See BBC article below.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/ckg3594dykdo

A little bit more kindness and compassion in everyday life would go a long way to improving countless lives.

Maybe you could consider this in your future online and real life interactions.

@Jillcc1 , I know the WhatsApp thing is annoying and inappropriate, but the other mum might not be able to judge that due to her ND issues - social communication difficulties is part of the diagnosis for autism for example. The kindest thing to do is probably to have a word with her in private about it - you or one of the other parents might be able to do this.

Had similar once with a mum and baby group, I contacted social care and discussed my concerns. Obviously she was very upset about this and didn't speak to me again, I do know she then spent some time in a mother and baby unit to get mental health support. I hope it helped her.

Could you chat to someone in pastoral support role at school?

Yes, it's unlikely that in a group of this size she is the only one who is ND or has mental health issues.