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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break up family over chores

213 replies

ShittyLife456 · 05/11/2025 15:50

I have a 14 month old. I do everything. House stuff, DS' food, paying bills, maintenance stuff, all of it and I'm drowning. I work FT with longer hours than him too. DP only does stuff after I told him to do it, 3 times minimum. He has no responsibility, at all. I actually just hate him now. He's another person to manage. To others and to DS, he is a nice, interesting, funny man and no doubt I am a raging bitch. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the sight of him.

I feel incredibly guilty to leave DS without a dad over some fucking dishes. I CAN handle everything. I just resent his presence in the house. I'm the problem really. God I hate myself right now. I'm a complete failure at motherhood. I should just put up with it for DS' sake, why can't I????

I'll have to do all this shit and more if I kick him out. So why can't I just accept it for the sake of a happy family. I don't know. I feel like something is wrong with me.

And before you come blaming me, no, he was not like this pre-baby. At all. I must be a fool.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 05/11/2025 15:51

You aren’t though are you you are leaving him because rather than being a partner who shares the load he adds to your burden and that is different

ThatJollyGreySquid · 05/11/2025 15:52

YANBU. This sort of behaviour kills love. Could you tell him that you will end the relationship unless he steps up? Or have you already warned him?

stargirl27 · 05/11/2025 15:53

YANBU, this sounds really heavy. Have you looked into relationship (or personal) counselling?

Original poster
ShittyLife456 · 05/11/2025 15:54

ThatJollyGreySquid · 05/11/2025 15:52

YANBU. This sort of behaviour kills love. Could you tell him that you will end the relationship unless he steps up? Or have you already warned him?

We've had more conversations and fights about this than I can count.

HE always says he's going to leave me because nothing he does is good enough. To which I always reply you need to actually do something to be bad at it.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 05/11/2025 15:55

YANBU

He isnt your partner, hes another liability, he may mask well in front of others but hes another dependant. Dont show your DC that this is acceptable. They grow learning what you teach them... What are they learning by seeing you slogging away and him living a life of Riley?

Bear2014 · 05/11/2025 15:55

It's not just about the chores, although you must be absolutely exhausted from doing it all. He is showing you through his behaviour that he doesn't care enough to share the load and is happy for you to be the housekeeper and personal assistant as well as mother and partner.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 05/11/2025 15:55

You wouldn’t be leaving him over dishes

You’d be leaving him for being a selfish, idle fuckwit who has shown zero care or respect to you as his partner

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 05/11/2025 15:56

In a calm, child free moment, could you discuss it with him?
"Look, I work these hours, you work these hours, but outside of work I also do these things; I am basically working from 0630 to 2230 and I end up feeling really resentful that you don't seem to do half of this stuff or seem keen to take over at weekends to give me some down time.

I don't want to break our family up over it but I want you to take this seriously as right now I have been thinking how difficult/easier life would be if I did actually leave you.

We both need to contribute, we both need to do chores (would it help to have a rota or set agreed chores?) we both need some down time or time out with friends...

I'd like to work together to make this happen otherwise we'll just end up breaking up anyway through a life time of resentment."

How would he react OP if you spoke to him calmly but plainly like this?

FuzzyWolf · 05/11/2025 15:56

How can both of these statements be true I do everything and I'll have to do all this shit and more if I kick him out?

By all means end the relationship if you are not happy but perhaps take a step back and look at what he does bring to the household, sleep on it and think again whether it’s worth it or not. If it’s worth it, then YANBU.

toomuchfaff · 05/11/2025 15:56

ShittyLife456 · 05/11/2025 15:54

We've had more conversations and fights about this than I can count.

HE always says he's going to leave me because nothing he does is good enough. To which I always reply you need to actually do something to be bad at it.

Show quote history

Manchild

So he resorts to threats, nothing i do is good enough wah wah

Hes teaching you to not raise anything - for fear of further argument, its manipulation and control - you'll eventually self police

Rather than listening to your concerns and trying to find solutions?

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 05/11/2025 15:57

What would you actually lose? Seriously? Do a pros and cons. Look at the money he brings in v what he spends, look at what his being there releases you to do- shopping unaccompanied by the baby? Nursery runs?
Assess your housing.

Work out exactly what you’d lose, along with the annoyance of his laziness and threats to leave.

Then make a decision.

ClawedButler · 05/11/2025 15:57

oh my goodness, you sound like you're at the end of your tether and I don't blame you.

ThatJollyGreySquid · 05/11/2025 15:57

You would have less to do if you ended the relationship. He sounds like a waste of space.

Lightuptheroom · 05/11/2025 16:01

But it's not a happy family. He's not sharing any of the load and regardless of what you think you should be able to cope with you don't have to. Yes, you have to do it all yourself when you're single but you don't have that presence always around dragging you down. That doesn't make you a failure as a mother. I knew many women who 'stayed for the sake of the children ' and the children were far from happy either ! You aren't leaving him without a dad. Reframe it. I divorced when my son was 2 , his dad became a just about adequate dad at weekends and holidays and I do mean just about adequate. Ds is now 23 , he didn't suffer for it because he didn't have to put up with his dad's barely adequate parenting most of the time. They never are like it pre baby because they are used to being the centre of everyone's universe and all of a sudden someone else's needs are more important than theirs. Don't ask me why selfish twattery is triggered by you looking after a small defenceless baby , but it is. You're not the problem. My ex chose to walk around telling everyone I had post natal depression, I didn't , he was just totally useless at thinking of anyone but himself. Reframe your own question why should you just put up with it when it's an easy thing for him to assist you and meet you half way.

BeeCucumber · 05/11/2025 16:01

Throw him back. You are doing everything now anyway so it’s no loss. He adds to your burden. Of course when you actually say the words “leave” to him he will promise to change blah, blah, blah. But you know he won’t do and so does he. Do it before Christmas so he can’t use that as leverage.

FenceBooksCycle · 05/11/2025 16:01

Yanbu at all to kick him out. What a useless waste of space. Whilst yes you will still have the same workload with him gone, you won't be being exploited and used to facilitate his lazy lifestyle and that will give you some self-respect. (I would bet any money that he goes straight to leaching from his mum or a new girlfriend rather than lowering himself to pulling his own weight - if I am wrong about that and he can live independently for 6 months he might possibly be worth trying again with)

QuickPeachPoet · 05/11/2025 16:09

What is he actually doing while you are doing all of this stuff? Is he literally just sat there watching you?
He sounds awful.

HorrorAndHaagenDazs · 05/11/2025 16:14

Dunnocantthinkofone · 05/11/2025 15:55

You wouldn’t be leaving him over dishes

You’d be leaving him for being a selfish, idle fuckwit who has shown zero care or respect to you as his partner

Yeah, this.

He's not an asset, he's a burden.
Imagine how freeing it would be, regardless of workload, to not be dragged down by him.

Happines is not contingent on having a manbaby around the house.

Original poster
ShittyLife456 · 05/11/2025 16:16

I guess I just hate being the bad person here. I lose if I stay, I lose if I go. I wish I had never had the baby and not known this kind of disappointment tbh. I love DS so much, it's causing me so much guilt and frustration that he will have to divide himself between 2 houses. I want to give him a happy childhood. I feel like if I kick out my DP I won't have tried hard enough.

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · 05/11/2025 16:21

ShittyLife456 · 05/11/2025 16:16

I guess I just hate being the bad person here. I lose if I stay, I lose if I go. I wish I had never had the baby and not known this kind of disappointment tbh. I love DS so much, it's causing me so much guilt and frustration that he will have to divide himself between 2 houses. I want to give him a happy childhood. I feel like if I kick out my DP I won't have tried hard enough.

But you can’t be both ends of the solution. He’s doing nothing to resolve this.

He may well get a serious kick up the bum when he realises you are serious and won’t be picking up his shit anymore.

If you are confident of your position, stop doing stuff. Do things for you and your DS. Let him look after himself. Don’t feed him, don’t wash for him. Don’t keep the cupboards stocked. Just quietly back out.

When he complains, the answer is, ‘I haven’t had time’.

OvernightBloats · 05/11/2025 16:23

Could you sit down with him and write a list of what jobs are your responsibility and what jobs are his? A list that he agrees to.

If he doesn't keep his part of the agreement to the list, then stop doing things for him. He will soon get the message that if he contributes to the running of the house, then he will benefit as well.

A list also means that it will save you from having to ask him to do jobs all the time.

Stompythedinosaur · 05/11/2025 16:25

You aren't breaking up a family over chores. You're breaking up because your partner clearly doesn't love you or your dc enough to do chores. Which is a very good reason to break up.

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/11/2025 16:26

It's not about the dishes.

It's about his total disregard for you as an equal partner, his avoidance of responsibility and his fucking lazy arse being undependable.

You, and your baby, are worth more. Far more.

toomuchfaff · 05/11/2025 16:26

ShittyLife456 · 05/11/2025 16:16

I guess I just hate being the bad person here. I lose if I stay, I lose if I go. I wish I had never had the baby and not known this kind of disappointment tbh. I love DS so much, it's causing me so much guilt and frustration that he will have to divide himself between 2 houses. I want to give him a happy childhood. I feel like if I kick out my DP I won't have tried hard enough.

You're not being the bad person.

The OH is not being a present and functional contributing partner and father...

Its not about trying hard enough. You cannot change how another person acts, you cant "try" harder to make him do more... he has to do more. You're not his manager, you're not his operating system, you're his baby mama.