To break up family over chores

[ShittyLife456]

I have a 14 month old. I do everything. House stuff, DS' food, paying bills, maintenance stuff, all of it and I'm drowning. I work FT with longer hours than him too. DP only does stuff after I told him to do it, 3 times minimum. He has no responsibility, at all. I actually just hate him now. He's another person to manage. To others and to DS, he is a nice, interesting, funny man and no doubt I am a raging bitch. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the sight of him.

I feel incredibly guilty to leave DS without a dad over some fucking dishes. I CAN handle everything. I just resent his presence in the house. I'm the problem really. God I hate myself right now. I'm a complete failure at motherhood. I should just put up with it for DS' sake, why can't I????

I'll have to do all this shit and more if I kick him out. So why can't I just accept it for the sake of a happy family. I don't know. I feel like something is wrong with me.

And before you come blaming me, no, he was not like this pre-baby. At all. I must be a fool.

Agree with @Bear2014 that dividing up chores, so that he had a sense of ownership over his responsibilities could be a solution.

Of course, not so he does the chores he prefers/finds easiest and you get all the tough, unpleasant stuff. For example, with cleaning. If you can’t afford a cleaner, then you shouldn’t do it all. You could divide up the rooms in your home and you each do half, e.g. one does the kitchen and living room/s and the other does the bathroom and bedroom/s. Each year, you switch over.

You will be doing less, not more, if he is not there. You won't be cleaning up after him for a start.

I'll add though that I loathed them for dropping me so blithely in the shit.

You have nothing to feel guilty or embarrassed about. You are not failing as a mother, he is failing as a husband and father. this is on HIM.

As someone who's been raising her kids (one of whom is disabled) as a single mother for the past 8 years, its rocky to start with, but our lives are calmer, quieter, less stressful and more fun as just the 3 of us.

He has them every other weekend, his house is a shit tip, and my 16yo DD has now started refusing to go more than once a month as she's seeing him for who he is (i have never degraded him to them) and would rather be home with me.

Call his bluff, next time he threatens to leave, tell him to do it.

Trust me, your DS will be absolutely fine as long as his father is a good dad.

He will not be fine if you drown and the atmosphere is appalling

And the fault is not yours

I left a man for similar reasons. Although there were other factors. I have to say it’s sooooo much better now. My own mess doesn’t frustrate me like his did. Less mess overall. And he actually has his kid overnight (so I get more me time than I ever had in the relationship as does child get daddy time) and he pays maintenance which has changed my life before I couldn’t even get child benefit due to his income, I was drowning with kids and house and still working but no financial help. Now I get the funded childcare hours and maintenance with some evenings to myself. It’s a much better life!!

Why?

It's the lazy arse waste of space who should be embarrassed

Do you both have wider family? Do they see what he's like? Or does he put on a show?

But he clearly won't do them!!

Also stop doing anything for him. Do not do his laundry, do not cook for him, do not buy things for him. Move into the spare room if you can while you get your ducks in a row.

I think you're right but if OP feels like she will have regrets walking away, it's worth one last try

It broke my relationship similar to you plus he never ever got up with the kids in the mornings/nights etc or did anything with them independently. I ended up resentful and hated him. Took 12 years but we separated two years ago - actually his decision . We had ended up living separate lives as my reaction to doing everything was to stop involving in things. If he couldn't be bothered to contribute, I wasn't going to facilitate everything to include him, He sees the kids every other weekend - his choice, he could see them more but he cant handle more . They are big - he doesn't neglect them but he isn't proactive.

You wouldn't be leaving your DS without a dad. Your DS may get a better version of his dad as he will be forced to step up when it's his time to have DC as you won't be there to do it all. You will have a break and be able to be more present and less stressed during your time with DS.

Hi OP

I feel for you, you sound at the end of your tether. Please believe that if you do decide to end things, it won't be because of chores, it will be because your partner isn't acting like a partner and is content to let you do his share of life's shit on top of your share, while he relaxes and you burn out. It will be because he hasn't listened to you when you've raised issues in your marriage, he has denied, deflected, and blamed. It will be because he is selfish and disrespectful. Please don't worry about the effect on your child, as others have said it is best for them to live with one happy parent rather than one parent who resents the other because they're treated like shit

And before you come blaming me, no, he was not like this pre-baby. At all.

Not blaming you, just wanting to understand - pre-baby he did his share (housework, cooking, repairs, laundry, admin, however you two fairly divided it up) and since the baby arrived he not only does nothing for the baby but has stopped doing the other stuff? Is there some kind of resentment here - he adamantly didn't want a baby, or maybe thinks it isn't his?

Not excusing him AT ALL, just trying to get to the bottom of his weird behaviour. Keep in mind if you DO leave him, it's not over any trivial matter (or set of small things), it's because he thinks his time and his wants and needs are all-important and yours are completely at his disposal. You ask why you can't just get over it and play along for the sake of keeping an intact family unit - well, why can't HE do his fair share of running a shared household and parenting his child, responsibilities he voluntarily took on as an adult, a partner, and a parent? A random flatmate would do a lot more than this bro is doing, from the sounds of it.

Also, statistically, it's quite common for people to act in one way, and then when they have children, they revert to the behaviour and role of their parents in the family they were brought up in. So don't think it's that uncommon for men to do their share and then just...stop, when a baby comes along. As that's what they see as a fathers role or a mother's role

I should just put up with it for DS' sake

You should NOT put up with for DS sake. You can set an excellent example of NOT putting up with someone's shit. You can set the brilliant example of what is NOT acceptable in a relationship.

Your P is a crappy role model to have around your DC.

You can never ever know what kind of parent anyone will be until their first baby arrives. It’s a risk for every one of us. You can hope but without a crystal ball you can’t know, and by then it’s too late!

This.
What's the point in him being there? He's adding to the load, not lessening it. You don't like him anymore. He's just a burden.
No, you absolutely shouldn't just put up with it for DS.

To echo a few others, please just stop doing stuff for him as well. No washing, no dinners, only clean what you use. Make the point.

doesn't;t mean you are communicating and understanding each other though. In fact give you keep trying and failing, it means you are not. Try a radically different way to understand each other. Use a third party.

Great, off you fuck then 🤷‍♀️
He won't though because he has it easy and he knows it. He's counting on you begging him to stay. Call his bluff. Offer to help him pack seeing as you already do everything anyway.

Could you go away for a week and leave him and baby to it just that he can see how much you juggle in an average week? Even if it’s just going to stay with a friend or family member for a few days. I remember that being an eye-opening moment for my DH when I went on a hen weekend when my first was 9 months old.

Then if nothing changes, it may be time to talk about leaving for good (with baby, obviously).

I don't think this would be "breaking up over chores". You'd be breaking up because you don't love each other any more, and indeed seem to actively hate each other. (Sounds like with pretty good reason from your side, too.) That's about as solid and obvious a reason to split as any. Indeed when it comes to this point, it's a worse decision to stay together.

Bye then

Seriously

You need to get the fair play deck of cards by Eve Rodsky, it has every single task involved in running a house. Sit down together and go through it, assigning each card to the person who does it. This will really make it clear to him how much you do and how unequal it is. You can then assign cards to each person based on what you will be doing going forward.

If he's a good man who's just ignorant, it will help. If he's a lazy twat who just doesn't care about you, it will be so obvious after this that you won't feel bad about leaving him