To break up family over chores

[ShittyLife456]

I have a 14 month old. I do everything. House stuff, DS' food, paying bills, maintenance stuff, all of it and I'm drowning. I work FT with longer hours than him too. DP only does stuff after I told him to do it, 3 times minimum. He has no responsibility, at all. I actually just hate him now. He's another person to manage. To others and to DS, he is a nice, interesting, funny man and no doubt I am a raging bitch. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the sight of him.

I feel incredibly guilty to leave DS without a dad over some fucking dishes. I CAN handle everything. I just resent his presence in the house. I'm the problem really. God I hate myself right now. I'm a complete failure at motherhood. I should just put up with it for DS' sake, why can't I????

I'll have to do all this shit and more if I kick him out. So why can't I just accept it for the sake of a happy family. I don't know. I feel like something is wrong with me.

And before you come blaming me, no, he was not like this pre-baby. At all. I must be a fool.

You're feeling all of this because you're a good and conscientious woman who has a grown up's sense of responsibility.

Would you say your H has grown and developed as an adult as much as you have since the baby was born?

People outgrow each other, people adapt well or poorly to changed circumstances, and some people are fundamentally selfish and if you give them an inch they will take a mile.

My life is easier when my DH is away with work and that’s just fucking sad. I don’t need to be doing all the things he needs doing on top of all the things I actually have to do because when I took extended maternity leave all the chores ever invented fell to me and despite going back to work he hardly picks up any slack. He basically will empty the dishwasher 3-4 times a week, pull the bedcovers up and iron his work clothes. He honestly believes he makes my life easier. Nope not at all. Some days when the resentment kicks in I feel he’s almost like a family pet, the kids seem to like him and for that I will feed him, water him, pick up after him and do everything that he needs to be kept alive rather than send him to the dog catcher. But I’m a woman so I swallow that down hard and try not to be a nagging bitch but fuck me if perimenopause and that raging Taurus super moon combo doesn’t make that hard this week.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

You need a new coffee table.

YANBU to break up with someone who doesn't respect or value you.

I split with my husband, admittedly my children were a little older. BUT: there will be less for you to do - they are not there in the house making a mess so you only have to clear up after yourself and child, you won’t spend time asking them 3 times do to something - you can just do it and it’s done which will probably be less time than now. you only have to organise the two of you - don’t need to think about him.

I got a cleaner when mine left - I wanted one before but as he was the one that was part time and meant to doing housework I knew that it would be me that paid and him that just got more time to sit on his arse.

You will still be doing it all, but there won't be the constant simmering resentment over having another person there who could share the load, but doesn't.

I bet he will say divorce came out of nowhere and he had no idea you were not happy.

When he next suggests leaving, I would say, "Good, that's settled then. When?"

He's taking the utter piss.

If you are on your own, the chores don't feel like chores as it's the life YOU have chosen and it all sits so much easier.

Leave him. He's a joke. A bad joke.

Your son is more likely to have a happy childhood with separated parents than with two parents who live together, argue and resent each other. Many separated parents co-parent really well so there's no reason you shouldn't. Have you spoken about logistics of separating when he brings it up? I think that's what the conversations need to focus on now.

This is what your 'partner' is relying on to keep you at the kitchen sink.

Break the cycle.

Chucking out a lazy useless entitled manchild is not "breaking up the family". You need to put your child's needs first and currently your 14mo DS is too young to be absorbing the idea,that selfish lazy entitlement from a man who allows a woman to do all the work is 'normal' but you need to get this man gone soon because as soon as your child can hold a dishcloth (ok not for a couple of years yet) you'll be teaching him that everyone contributes to the household what they can, in proportion to their capacity, and you can't teach that while there's a capable adult in the house that thinks he can sit and rest while others work. Ensuring that the cycle of patriarchal entitlement does not continue is very much putting your family first - prioritising not only your child's best interests but also your future grandchildren.

Whatever you decide to do, it sounds like you could use some counselling because you're struggling with the decision and it's so tied up with your feelings about DS.

Before I left my H (long time ago), I had counselling for a couple of months to help me decide. I think I basically knew what I was going to do, but I needed to feel OK with my own decision because I also had a very uoung child. Counselling really helped - just discussing it with someone else in a calm atmosphere until I really felt sure was what I needed to help solidify my decision.

If you're going to leave, you need to get rid of that guilt, you don't want to be feeling it for the next 20 years. If you're not going to leave you have to find a way to get rid of the resentment because that's a horrible feeling to go through life with.

Leaving was unequivocally the right decision for me, but it is really hard, not just at the start, but when DS gets older and asks questions, when your ex meets someone new and they have a roll in DS life etc. It is hard for children to split their time between two households especiallywhen they go to school and their stuff is in the wrong house etc. You have no control over what your ex does, but you're tied to them until DS turns 18.

It's actually not harder in practical doing the dishes and managing life way - you set everything up in the way which works for you and there's noone to mess it up. It's much much easier. You can make yourself an oasis of calm and just not having rows gives you more headspace. It's very simple, either you do the tasks, or they don't get done, there's noone to waste time and energy arguing with. It's surprising how much easier it is to just do it yourself and not have to accommodate someone else.

You sound really overwhelmed and tired and that's not a great place to make a decision from.

I think maybe taking a step back from it all and building yourself up a bit first might be the first step? Just trying to make a decision like that is exhausting in itself.

You have my utmost sympathy, I look back on that time as the most difficult and exhausting time of my life.

When I look back, I wouldn't change my decision, but I wish I'd been kinder to myself. I have so much compassion for my younger self now. x

You are not leaving him because he hates doing the dishes. You are leaving him because he's a shit father and partner.

We often feel (as women) being the bad person for divorcing. We internalise a marriage break up as something that, somehow, is our fault because we still believe in the great nuclear family we've been condition to accept.

The reality show us the opposite. The majority of divorces are instigated by women not accepting day to day crap behaviour from their partners/husbands, specially when their behaviour will have an impact on the children./

I know from experience divorce is not easy, but you have a whole life ahead of you and the last thing you want is living it for the next 50 years with him.

It’s easy to berate yourself but this shame needs to change sides. FWIW when I left a situation in which I was doing much, much more of the work than he was, I found I had MORE time to myself when he wasn’t there. He was a net creator of work for me. And living without that weight of resentment I’d been carrying was priceless.

These might resonate with you; I especially like the second one:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Lovely post @101trees

Next time he says he’s packing a bag because nothing is ever good enough, let him.

you deserve more and your DS doesn’t need this as a role model.

Search "Wife left me because I didn't wash up" on your chosen search engine. There is a famous story by a man who discovers his wife did not actually leave him just because he didn't do the dishes.

Hi @ShittyLife456
I can feel the pressure you are under drom your post and empathise.

Have you spoken to him about this? You shouldnt have to tell 3 times but you are so can you have a whiteboard or to do daily tasks? Weekly to do? Save your breath and your marriage. Dont struggle trying to do it all like mums do x

My DH went away for two weeks with work recently, and it was bliss. No having to clear up after a grown arsed man. It was so much easier without him.
Ive lived with resentment for years over the same situation as you, I actually boil inside with rage at times, and it’s not something I’d wish on anyone else.

You need to sit down with him and tell him that you are seriously considering leaving him at the moment, and why. If he did chores before baby, what changed? If it's just that he thinks he's got you trapped now and can treat you like shit then maybe this is the wake up call he needs.

Couldn't edit my first post but I wanted to add that I think that often men do this because they want out themselves but are too gutless to call it. So they just treat her like shit until she leaves.

This will only get worse unfortunately. No amount of requesting and reasoning, in my experience, has ever rebalanced a situation where a partner can’t be bothered/has lower standards/doesn't ‘see’ things/doesn’t care that you are breaking with the stress of being responsible to do everything. Yes you will have to do it all if you split with him but you will lose the feeling of irritation and resentment.

Your life will be a lot easier with him out of the way. Right now you have two children, one of them being a fully grown man.

Back in the day when DD was about 2 I booked a GP appointment because I was just so exhausted I felt like I wasn’t functioning properly anymore. She asked me a series of questions about daily life etc to which pretty much every answer was “me” or “I do it”. She just shrugged and said that’s why I was tired, there was no mysterious reason or illness.

It took me a few more years to see what she saw straight away, but she was absolutely right. My life became a lot easier and less stressful as a single parent.

Stop doing it. Let the dishes pile up etc, put the bills in his name and let them go unpaid, or if you can afford it and would be happy to, work part time. I wouldn't even seek his agreement on this. Tell him these changes will be made if he doesn't step up immediately and sustain that effort.

Also get counselling.

If these things don't work, it will be divorce because he's treating you so badly right now, it isn't just "the dishes".

You are not breaking up a family over chores. You’re not breaking up a relationship, you’re simply moving to formal recognition of what he wants to give to parenting and his relationship - absofuckinglutely nothing. You tell people ‘john didn’t want to be a dad or married it turned out, I’m so sad about it and the lies he told me, especially our wedding vows, but I’ve had to accept that I cannot make him care about us. I didn’t tell people that he was so absent in our lives because I felt humiliated by that but I’m done lying to protect him.’