To break up family over chores

[ShittyLife456]

I have a 14 month old. I do everything. House stuff, DS' food, paying bills, maintenance stuff, all of it and I'm drowning. I work FT with longer hours than him too. DP only does stuff after I told him to do it, 3 times minimum. He has no responsibility, at all. I actually just hate him now. He's another person to manage. To others and to DS, he is a nice, interesting, funny man and no doubt I am a raging bitch. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the sight of him.

I feel incredibly guilty to leave DS without a dad over some fucking dishes. I CAN handle everything. I just resent his presence in the house. I'm the problem really. God I hate myself right now. I'm a complete failure at motherhood. I should just put up with it for DS' sake, why can't I????

I'll have to do all this shit and more if I kick him out. So why can't I just accept it for the sake of a happy family. I don't know. I feel like something is wrong with me.

And before you come blaming me, no, he was not like this pre-baby. At all. I must be a fool.

Bite the bullet.
Tell him to leave.
The relationship is over.
HE killed it.
His lazy selfishness killed it.
You certainly won't want a second child with him.
I am increasingly hearing from friends that their daughters are 'one and done' because whilst not as bad as your partner, their husbands did the bare minimum they could and their wives have decided with busy careers, one is the maximum their are prepared to deal with.
They are all married max 5 years.

There's no point keeping him on as a boyfriend. He's a misogynist and he's leeching off you.
Your child won't be losing a father, parent 50/50.

Who owns the house?

LTB

Not over ‘chores’, over him not respecting you.

Yes you’ll have to do everything for the baby yourself, but you’re doing that now, plus looking after a man baby.

You're not a failure of a mother. You are a kick ass mother who is teaching her son what is and is not acceptable in a relationship, a mother who doesn't allow herself to be a doormat taken advantage of by a lazy man, a mother who deserves and demands equality and respect in her relationship. Any kid would be lucky to have a mum who will be tough enough to do that and teach them those valuable lessons.

SAdly I think that women always take on the brunt of the chores.
I should not be like that.
I would find the jobs that he likes to do, and get him to do those, rather than general helping

For a start, you're not leaving because of some dishes. You're leaving him because he is not your partner but just another child for you to look after. And because you need more and he's not willing to even engage with you, which demonstrates that he doesnt love or respect you.

The fact that he uses the threat tactic is a clear sign that this is NOT just a man who is a bit entitled and clueless because society has taught men that it's okay to be like that. It's far more sinister. What he's doing is attempting to make it clear that not only can you NOT expect more of him, but you need to start policing yourself so that you never ask anything of him.

A note on long term - if hes this useless, I don' tthink you need to worry too much about your DS moving a lot between houses. I think it's far more ikely that, at best, you'll get him to take your DS for a day or the odd night every other weekend. He's not going to step up and actually be 100% responsible for DS for longer than a few hours. Ever. Also don't get too excited about financial support - I have my doubts.

Finally, I would put money on this relationshp having more issues than this but that you might not have noticed previously or that have not been a severe pre-children. From subtle ways to restrict you from having a social life with people he deems unacceptable, to decisions you've supposedly made as a couple but that actually, somehow, benefit him more - where to live, what to eat, how to engage with family etc.

(to add, when I wrote parent 50/50, there's no way the deadbeat would succeed at this. Your child already does not have a father, this man does no parenting, no partnering and will be zero loss to anyone.)

You beat me to it!

I thyou need to STOP doing anything first. If you pick up his slack there's no incentive for him to do anything. Stop cleaning, shopping etc just STOP. If he doesn't step up then leave.

He probably holds the baby every now and then when she needs to go to the toilet or the supermarket. Useful, but absolutely dispicable that he is essentially relying on this rock bottom minimal usefulness to not be kicked out and can pretend to everyone else he’s the doting father.

Kick him out. Think of it this way: it is teaching your son that’s it’s not ok for a woman to be a doormat just because she has a child.

I can understand why even though this is the only way to show him he can’t do that, she’d have to put up with living in a dirty hovel without the essentials in her house when she has a young baby.

Really lazy fathers will absolutely live in squalor rather than do the minimal cleaning and her and her baby will be the ones to suffer.

YANBU, it's not over dishes, and you're not the bad person if you draw a line under it and say enough is enough. He is a dickhead leaving everything to you and trying to gaslight you over it.

Honestly it's not our job to train grown adult men. Fuck that, fuck it every time.

This is so common that there is even a book about it (how not to hate your husband after having kids). Maybe buy it for him for Christmas- it’s a very good and eye opening read

' feel like if I kick out my DP I won't have tried hard enough.'
He hasn't tried hard enough, in fact he hasn't tried at all.

Also OP, it's very common for these inequalities to show up like this after a baby. Men often hardly change their lives. This isn't your failing.

You are leaving him because of his lack of respect for you.

The disrespect and disdain with he treats you shows you he does not love you or value your relationship

Disrespect and disdain are perfectly valid reasons to end a relationship. The unreasonable position would be to stay in a relationship with someone who disdains you that much.

Read this
She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink | HuffPost Life https://share.google/icrTnMfGKk2uLMAlf

why does he get to do the stuff he likes to do?

I bet OP is doing a whole lot of shit she doesnt particularly enjoy

This is about SO much more than chores.
You are elqving because he is fialing as a husband and father and doesnt give a shit and wont even try.

You are leaving because he'd rather watch you drown than get his ankles wet...

But I would be inclined to make one last try.

Maybe do fair play (google it)
And / or try marriage counselling.

Fwiw i could not live like this and would leave too...

Fair play opened my DHs eyes and we rapidly got to a very good place but he was generally a good egg and 100% willing and to try but was just sort of lost(?) or confused or some bloke shit...🤷🏻‍♀️ anyways he worked it out after i lost my mind a few times when oldest was tiny.

Yep. Cajole him into doing things he likes - which is probably nothing - while the OP is picking up everything else whether she likes it or not. Fucking hell.

This is not unusual.

and shite.

give him the book for Christmas.

open up the dialogue.

consider therapy.

I have friends who turned it around. With the help of cleaners and housekeepers and Nannies and daddy’s being more mindful.

Best of luck

What about what I like and dislike? Do I get a choice?

Separation and divorce is much easier on a toddler than a pre teen or teenager. Best do it sooner than later if your son is the priority. He'll adapt far faster now.

You are not thinking of kicking him out never doing dishes
It's the blatant disregard for you , your well being, refusal to be a responsible adult and my favourites phrase " buying his leisure with your exhaustion"
Don't have anymore DC
Bin

Realistically, your son is far better off in a single parent household with a healthy role model, consistency and a calm atmospheric than in a household with a deadbeat dad, taught to expect women to do everything and a constant underlying tension and conflict bubbling away. You're doing him no favours flogging a dead horse.

You also also owed more than begging a man to do the bare minimum while you burn yourself out.

The only person who benefits from you trying harder is your husband.

Cut yourself some slack

having a fun dad isn’t the same as having a valuable dad who can help raise a kind intelligent and considerate child