To break up family over chores

[ShittyLife456]

I have a 14 month old. I do everything. House stuff, DS' food, paying bills, maintenance stuff, all of it and I'm drowning. I work FT with longer hours than him too. DP only does stuff after I told him to do it, 3 times minimum. He has no responsibility, at all. I actually just hate him now. He's another person to manage. To others and to DS, he is a nice, interesting, funny man and no doubt I am a raging bitch. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the sight of him.

I feel incredibly guilty to leave DS without a dad over some fucking dishes. I CAN handle everything. I just resent his presence in the house. I'm the problem really. God I hate myself right now. I'm a complete failure at motherhood. I should just put up with it for DS' sake, why can't I????

I'll have to do all this shit and more if I kick him out. So why can't I just accept it for the sake of a happy family. I don't know. I feel like something is wrong with me.

And before you come blaming me, no, he was not like this pre-baby. At all. I must be a fool.

What about what I like and dislike? Do I get a choice?

yes, just stop and don't start again

pay the council tax and rent or mortgage

give him the responsibility, hand it over to him and sit back - if he messes up then he will have to sort it out

keep asking him what is for tea, what is for breakfast - don't ask that he makes tea just ask

what are you getting dc for xmas, what are you getting your mum etc as presents

ask what he is feeding dc

don't huff and puff or sort it out - leave him to it

Stop bailing him out, leave him to it

the way he will learn is to leave him to fail and not comment on his failures, make no judgement

let him be responsible, don't ever jump in to fix it and if it goes wrong and he comes to you ask him "what do you think you should do?"

lets face it nothing you have done so far has worked so why not give it a month

You are forced into being a super woman @ShittyLife456
This will take a toll on you physically and emotionally. I've seen a friend getting sick this way and she is still not back from it. The lazy fucker doesn't love you or he wouldn't treat you like shit.
I'm a sahm to now teenagers (one autistic). I am responsible for everything concerning them (meals, clothes, homework, appointments, everything). Also do all cleaning and laundry. My dh is responsible to bring in money (has to go away a couple of days every week) and pay bills and do a big shop once a week. I am not an evening person so if he wants to go out in the evening (cinema, theatre, for a drink) he's free to do so. This is partnership because we both contribute to our family in different ways.
You are working longer hours than your partner so he should do the majority of house/child chores. I think you would feel better on your own without this dead weight dragging you down.

What did he take care of before the baby?

Are you sure he was as helpful as you say he was, or did you just not mind picking up the slack as much pre-baby?

Whatever he used to do before, just leave all that for him to do now, don't turn into that nag of a person or a martyr, just leave it for him to do.

Mine has had to step up after decades. Because we got a cleaner, he runs around the day before. Finally he sees the dog hairs, the heaps of clothes, the washing basket overflowing and does it. So now I have two cleaners.

This is so sad. Your baby is supposed to be your joy, but he is robbing you of that by cynically thinking that now you have a baby you cant leave and is trapping you into a life working as his drudge.

Don't just get angry about the chores, get angry about him using your lovely baby in this way.

It's not about chores. It feels like it's about chores but really it's about love, care and respect. Your husband is THE man that you expect to love you, to care for you and to respect you and no-one who truly feels that way would let their life partner run themselves into the ground whilst they sit and watch. You feel like you are arguing over who fills the dishwasher each day but you are actually arguing and grieving the fact that your man doesn't love you enough to pick up his half of the load and instead is happy to bask in the comfortable home that you are killing yourself to provide. Unless he is truly stupid he isn't even confused, he just doesn't WANT to do more. He probably doesn't even think about it too hard but he doesn't look at you as you struggle and cry and feel a huge desire to help you and lift you up and hold you and care for you - if anything he feels mildly annoyed that your upset is making him feel uncomfortable.

Leave. You can't force him to love you enough to care enough to actually do the dishes. Your kid will be fine. Millions are. Mine is. You will still have every job to do but it's so much easier without the burning resentment and that suffocating feeling of not being good enough for him to love.

Once you leave then keep going. It will be sad and angry, he will weep and wail but you owe it to your kid not to flip-flop. Drive through to the peace that is on the other side. It IS peaceful for you and the kid. I can guarantee that your home is currently a mess of tension that your kid can feel.

Good luck. There is better on the other side.

It's not about chores and dishes though, it's about being completely responsible for the mental load, never being able to completely switch off, and his actions demonstrating his complete disregard for you as a person.

I haven't read all of the replies so apologies if this has already been said but if you're on Facebook, join 'Bridging the Gap Community Group'. It was absolutely eye opening for me.

This is my life. I know I should leave but Ive accepted this is my life. The resentment is real. We have no intimacy anymore because I cant stand to be near him. I am not going to give anymore of my precious time to him. I work full time, I do all the cooking, cleaning and majority of the childcare. I have one dd shes 6. Im also studying for a masters, but this is my choice.

If you have a 14 month old this is a difficult time in your life - it's easy for people to come on here and say oh leave the bastard.

I think at a minimum you need therapy/ couples counselling/ your H needs to know it can't go on etc.

I’m glad someone linked you to the essay a man wrote about his wife leaving him over the dishes. It’s more commonplace than you’d think. It isn’t about the dishes ultimately, it’s what that represents. Lack of respect, thought and care for you.

I just recently read a book a colleague wrote (fiction) and I don’t know how true to his real life it is but he perfectly describes what I imagine goes through the minds of many men. When his wife is enraged with his selfishness, he perpetuates this by intentionally shutting off and not listening to her. He admits to purposely staying at work longer so he doesn’t have to deal with her and the children. He lets his phone die knowing she will want to contact him but just leaves it.

I think many men have this self-absorbed psyche.

Always this. 100%. every man should be given a f*ckin laminated copy of this before they start any long term relationship and particularly have kids.

Are you quite well or have you arrived from 1921?????

A very good analysis of how laziness and indifference poisons life. If you’ve discussed this numerous times and it hasn’t brought about any change, he isn’t going to pick up the baton and do his ‘bit’, and don’t forget this is his choice. If you saw someone hauling heavyweight bags up and down the stairs all day every day what would you think? That’s the reality of being alone when the other half of the ‘partnership’ is sitting on their bottom and removing themselves from any responsibilities. You are carrying every day, heavy bags of work, child care, emotional distress and pain. You aren’t choosing this horrible state of affairs, he is imposing it on you, please remember that, he had a role to fulfil and he doesn’t want it. I wish you luck and you’re clearly a loving decent Mum, your DS will flourish with you.

It’s ultimatum time. He either steps up or fucks off. You’re burnt out, no wonder you can’t stand the sight of him. Give him one final chance or end things.

If you want to feel like you have tried everything and can then break up with fewer regrets you could try the following:

Sit down when DC is out of the house and have a measured conversation in which you outline how deadly serious you are that you are at the end of your tether about this and he needs to pull his weight. Tell him you need to implement some changes straight away and try to turn things around.

Come to an agreement about who will do what. (It's quite clear cut for us in that I do laundry, food and kids admin and OH does cleaning, house admin and garden. These general categories give a sense of ownership and less confusion). Create a list/rota if it will make things clearer, and stick it on the fridge. If you can afford it, I would highly recommend getting a cleaner, then divvy up the other main tasks. There is nothing to be embarrassed of having a rota or schedule in place and on display, plenty of families do.

Give it a couple of months and see what happens. It is totally unacceptable how it has come to this and it's not a great sign, but having a child is a huge shift in a relationship and the domestic labour does greatly increase. If none of this helps, you can break up and move forward with co parenting.

He was like it post baby you just didn’t notice because before having a baby you don’t have so much on your plate, after you have a baby anyone adding to your plate is noticeable because its already so full if that makes sense.
me and OH have been together for 15 years and had 5 kids, our twins were 8 before we had DD 22months weve had a bit of a rocky relationship here n there as most couples do, but between when the twins turned 4 and having DD is the best our relationship has ever been, neither of us were tired from sleepless nights, we got into a good routine, and was able to have some time to ourselves, since having DD i wouldn’t say our relationship is rocky again but there is definitely an underlying dissatisfaction 🤔 that we both are aware of but know that it is only because we are both tired, don’t get any time to ourselves again and plates are getting full again with a little one to run around for, we are now both older and know this time will pass so we try not to let the resentment build between us, its neither of our faults we both feel a bit stretched xx

Your son will be fine.
You will be fine.

I couldn't, for myself, say "I can do it all".
You are very strong.

Oh, and get rid of this useless fuck.
I couldn't look at him after just reading your post. 💐

You're not a failure at motherhood. If you're a failure at anything, you're a failure at partnerhood, because you're allowing him to get away with treating you like shit. Your child will be happier and will learn important life lessons if he sees his mother modelling strong, principled behaviour and knows that women don't have to put up with crap.

You sound like an amazing woman at the end of her tether because of a lazy, uncaring toe-rag. Free yourself (and your child)

You shouldn’t feel embarrassed. This is a really common scenario. You sound like a great mum.

You had no cause for concern before you had a child. You’ve spoken to him about it and he’s clearly not willing to take responsibility.

If you’ve talked calmly. Explained you’re putting in way more hours and energy to both paid and unpaid work. And he won’t accept that. Or won’t do his fair share. Or says he will and then doesn’t, then he’s leaving you with no option but to split. Could it be learnt behaviour from his own upbringing? Did his mother do everything. When people have kids, it’s quite common to subconsciously model behaviour on our own parents.

Yes, if you live separately you’ll have to do everything yourself then. With little respite. But that will be out of choice. And little will change for you, as you’re doing most of it now.

If the chores are the only problem in your relationship, suggest giving it one last go of trying to sort it, perhaps with an intermediary present: counsellor, family member or friend. To stop it escalating to an argument and to keep focussed on finding a mutually acceptable solution.

If you can’t reason with him or he won’t do what he agrees, better to take your time and work towards making a planned move. But before things get so bad you’ll struggle to remain friends. If parents aren’t together but get on well, it’s much less damaging than parents who are together but don’t get on or split acrimoniously later on, when the child is older to experience the trauma.

I was you many years ago. I wasn’t even that bothered about children but now ex-DH was desperate for a family so we had DS who is now early twenties.

Pretty much from the start it became clear that ex-DH had absolutely no intention of changing his life when he became a dad. He was still out the door at 5am to go to the gym before work, then worked until 6-7pm most nights. When I went back to work I did all the nursery runs, similarly school - all down to me. School holidays, oh yeah they were mine to organise as well.

Not once did ex-DH do a dentist or doctor’s appointment, no parents evenings, school plays, do anything to help with the endless school theme days.

Around the house he maybe did a bit of vacuuming but most of it was up to me, he never cooked or did the shopping. Holidays consisted of me doing all the planning and packing, he’d drive to the airport but only if I arranged the parking.

I put up with it for 18 years before deciding I’d had enough. The look of utter shock on ex-DH’s face when I told him I was leaving was a picture. He asked what he’d done wrong and I took great delight in telling him it was the fact that he’d done pretty much nothing for years that had caused me to totally reevaluate our marriage and I wanted out.

I’ve been living peacefully in my flat for nearly six years now, DS has not long graduated from uni and lives with his girlfriend nearby. It was the best thing I ever did.

As you are both saying you're leaving , that is the only thing to do .

Your DS will be fine as he's too little to know what's going on . Seeing you both separately will become his norm.

Good luck 💐

How do you put bills into someone else's name without their agreement?

This could be life-changing...

Tbh your workload will decrease if you have one less person to tidy up after

Used to think that I was just crap at keeping a house clean and tidy till exh got a job where he was away 3weeks in every 4.

The house not only got clean and tidy it stayed clean and tidy. Remember going out one evening with dc and leaving the house spotless only for now exh to return from a trip, unpack, have a shower, make himself a meal and sit watching t.v.
The mess when we got back was unbelievable. It was grim.

I had a man like this many years ago (his two sons lived with him full-time) but thankfully I didn't have any children with him. I worked and did everything in the home - laundry, cleaning, admin, school runs, ironing etc - all he did was cut the grass and work full-time. He didn't take any responsibility for his own children (neither did their Mum!) and I parented them (and everything that involved). In the end I resented him breathing, for being a man-child, lazy and selfish arse. You stated that pre-baby your husband wasn't like it? So why does he think it's acceptable now??! You need to work together as a team now, more than ever. If he's not prepared to pull his weight, then the situation is only going to get worse. I left my now ex, and it was the best decision I ever made.

I have ended two marriages over just this exact reason. Many men just don't share the load and you grow to hate them. With the benefit of hindsight and passage of many years I do wonder whether I couldn't have just waited till we were out of the baby stage and see if the men came into their own. It's pathetic to give that sort of leeway to grown adults but 🤷🏼‍♂️ who knows, you might be able to get to the other side.

One of my husbands was so shit that a male neighbour said to him why does your wife do everything, aren't you ashamed?