To break up family over chores

[ShittyLife456]

I have a 14 month old. I do everything. House stuff, DS' food, paying bills, maintenance stuff, all of it and I'm drowning. I work FT with longer hours than him too. DP only does stuff after I told him to do it, 3 times minimum. He has no responsibility, at all. I actually just hate him now. He's another person to manage. To others and to DS, he is a nice, interesting, funny man and no doubt I am a raging bitch. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the sight of him.

I feel incredibly guilty to leave DS without a dad over some fucking dishes. I CAN handle everything. I just resent his presence in the house. I'm the problem really. God I hate myself right now. I'm a complete failure at motherhood. I should just put up with it for DS' sake, why can't I????

I'll have to do all this shit and more if I kick him out. So why can't I just accept it for the sake of a happy family. I don't know. I feel like something is wrong with me.

And before you come blaming me, no, he was not like this pre-baby. At all. I must be a fool.

Trust me when I say this only gets worse and the resentment eats you up.
I bet you researched and chose the nursery? You’ll have to do all the other decisions for your child alone too. The next one will be schools and he might pretend to be interested but he is absolved of any blame should there be an issue because he was uninvolved.
You’ll see other Dad’s doing the school run or taking them to swimming lessons and it’ll burn inside.
You’ll also drive yourself crazy having the same conversation with him over and over again and seeing no change.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for separation.

I fucking loved being divorced. 2 full weekends off a month where I really got a break. And I only worked 4 days a week but had the kids on the day off. The kids were so much easier and happier. No fucking adult to wrangle and push along.

drop the guilt it’s pointless.

I do understand your resentment. You should be a team. That team includes your son who brings you joy but many more responsibilities. Can you afford to outsource help with some of the more basic chores such as cleaning? Gardening? Would your husband food shop-even an online order? Look after your son one day at the weekend to give you a break? A few steps to ease your undoubted burden might begin to lessen your resentment. Physical and mental loads in your situation are huge and I don’t seek to trivialise them, but breaking up a relationship when things could still be improved will not be easy for any of you.

Mine were two and three when I got divorced. Drop the guilt, drop everything that you think everyone else is thinking about you. No one gives a shit, everyone. Is only thinking about themselves.

its not about chores. and yanbu. He isn't a partner and he doesn't respect you. That he threatens to leave when you raise it with him. says it all.

I couldn't be with him either. Can you just tell him to leave it do you have to sort the living situation first? if so, stop by doing his laundry, cooking and cleaning after him.

what does he actually add to your life (other than grief)?

What is the point of him? How does he enrich your life?

You are not braking up the family over chores. This is wholly on hin. He's being a selfish prick who is refusing to act like a dad or husband. You've tried talking to him and explained how you feel, but he still thinks it's acceptable behaviour. It is not.
If you stay your child will grow up thinking that's ok to treat mum like that. Model good behaviour to your children.

You say that he wasn’t like this pre having DS? What has he stopped doing he used to? Is that what you started doing during maternity leave and now he needs to pick that up again?

I don’t think that he is seeing you struggle, when you are tired, just down tools, go to bed when DS goes to bed. Tell DP to sort kitcheb/dinner stuff/whatever before he goes to bed. then he can’t say that it’s nagging, do you leave DS with him much? Maybe increase that a bit?

do you jointly pay bills? Get a cleaner, outsource ironing? who does nursery runs? Share this. Buy in nice healthy quick food for meals

it’s bloody tough working FT with a baby.

This is so common and so unfair. I really think it’s a major factor in women choosing not to have children - men just do not do their share! And the way that society/the legal system/everything in this country is set up….they don have to! It seems men can just leave the family, say they’ll see their kids once a week and leave the mother to deal with everything.

The way I found to bring back some balance was to join a club and go out 2 nights a week leaving hubby to feed kids and do bath and bedtime.

Recently ive also said that I’ll cook tea three nights a week and hubby can do the same. He has to plan/shop for ingredients/ make it. I also work more hours than husband and I just was doing everything at home too.

Op I was you, 5 years ago with three young children. I absolutely hated my now ex husband for all the reasons you’ve listed and used to daydream about how my life would be so much simpler if he just wasn’t in it.

i told him to leave. He went, and the relief in the house was immense. Everyone felt lighter, I was happier, the kids were less stressed, everyone slept well. It was fab then and still is now. He’s turned into a shit dad as well as a shit husband so I mainly do it all alone, but the peace in my mind is worth jt.

honestly, do it. Leave him. Your future you will thank you. It won’t be easy, but the relief you feel when the resentment leaves is worth it.

Putting up with it for your child’s sake will only raise him in an environment that will teach him 2 things.
That the man in the relationship does the bare minimum and that it’s ok because you put up with it.
and secondly, that you should stay in an unhappy relationship.

My parents stayed together for us (myself and my siblings). All it did was teach me to not stand my ground on my worth and I have always stayed in relationships far longer than I should have when I was unhappy.

Ending it will teach your son that people deserve a contributing partner and that it you aren’t doing that / receiving that then you reserve the right to walk away

I don't blame you AT ALL OP. My marriages failed because I was expected to do everything and work full time while all they did was pursue their endless hobbies.
I am NOT an unpaid servant. Quite frankly it was much easier bringing my son up alone.
How dare men treat us like that.

It's not about the chores though, is it. It's about the mental load. Have you seen this cartoon, @ShittyLife456 ? It summarises it so well.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

My mother left my father in her words as she married a man not a child and she didn't want to raise 3 children.

Anyway.... she met my stepfather.... a man who worked full time, did the food shopping, the ironing, picked and ferried us kids around,

He was the role model I grew up about a man and partnership should be like....

Now I have a DP who works full time, yet is doing the school tours, cooking the dinner doing a shopping run after pick up etc

I chose to have a child with him as I knew he would be a partner like my stepfather modelled for me

Life is short don't drown and be miserable x

My Ex DH and I split 20 years ago for this exact same reason.

You are not breaking up the family at all, HE is, but simply refusing to be an actual adult and parent.

He is passively standing by and watching you drown.

A close friend of mine was in your exact position, and leaving her lazy dp was the best thing she ever did!

She actually had scheduled time off when he had the dc, she could relax and look after herself, have whole weekends of self care, the house was tidy, there was less work to do mid week, and less bills to pay. The huge weight of resenting him was gone! It was transformational. She lost weight as she could go to the gym, her self respect returned and she regained her confidence. She got a promotion at work, because she had the headspace, then she went on to secure an amazing job that transformed her career and finances. 17 years she stuck at out in her dead end marriage, and she said she only wishes she had left much sooner.

For your ds he is the best age, he will adjust very easily and effortlessly as he is so young.

Don’t have anymore children. Focus on making your little one happy by liberating yourself from this misery. You sound great op. Good luck. You deserve far better

It would be breaking up about his bad treatment of you, and possibly also his poor parenting. Domestic work is part of parenting.

Being a ‘street angel, hearth devil’ isn’t good either.

Agree with not ttc DC2 with a DP who behaves like this!

OP you are suffering with burn out and you won't be thinking clearly as a result.
I would suggest a visit to the GP and getting yourself signed off work with stress to give yourself some space to think and breath.
It sounds like your mind is already made up with regards to your relationship but I would suggest trying some counselling or mediation to see if there is anything worth saving. At least that way if it doesn't work out you would know you tried everything.
Don't hate yourself OP you are human and you are doing the best you can in difficult circumstances. Please be kind to yourself and please recognise you need to get some help rather than continue as you are.
I wish you well OP x

And me

It’s a horrible situation, really, but there is no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed or like this is your fault or you are a fool.
It’s one of the reasons I left my DS’s father when DS was little. What that kind of behaviour says is my time is more important than yours, and I do not respect you or this family enough to pull my weight.
DS is a teenager now and he’s grand. He doesn’t stay over with his father much so I really have had to do it all and I am exhausted, but it was either that or have the house be a battlefield. He doesn’t know any different than having separated parents and did say recently that it was better to have parents who separated when he didn’t remember than if he was older. (Of course it would be best to have parents who didn’t need to separate, but that ship sailed). I thought it was best for him to grow up in a house that was peaceful.

To my mind, expecting a partner to do all the chores and mental load is a form of abuse, especially if they are also working FT. The reason I say this is because it means that they do not have an equal opportunity for leisure and rest. It means that you expect them to service your domestic needs. It means that they cannot fully participate in life outside home and work. But most of all, it means you do not respect their time or value it.

It is NOT your shame to carry op, why would you feel embarrassed? You are not him, and work so hard on all fronts.

He should feel ashamed, he has ruined his marriage, let down his son and chosen to fail at adulting.

Ah the old nothing I do plaintive cry. The male martyr playing his tiny violin is never pretty. The closest I ever got to saying the D word was when the DC were toddlers. Eventually it got easier and the division becomes more equal. But… it only improved because the DH finally acknowledged the unequal division.

I think it's far kinder to leave him now when your child is younger as the older they get the more your child will understand and the harder it will be. Don't be a doormat and let this man-child take advantage any longer. You are doing it all on your own anyway, so the only benefit you are getting is his presence but like you say, you resent him now, so even his presence is a burden.

Lazy bastarditus, which is mainly experienced by men, kills marriages.