To break up family over chores

[ShittyLife456]

I have a 14 month old. I do everything. House stuff, DS' food, paying bills, maintenance stuff, all of it and I'm drowning. I work FT with longer hours than him too. DP only does stuff after I told him to do it, 3 times minimum. He has no responsibility, at all. I actually just hate him now. He's another person to manage. To others and to DS, he is a nice, interesting, funny man and no doubt I am a raging bitch. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the sight of him.

I feel incredibly guilty to leave DS without a dad over some fucking dishes. I CAN handle everything. I just resent his presence in the house. I'm the problem really. God I hate myself right now. I'm a complete failure at motherhood. I should just put up with it for DS' sake, why can't I????

I'll have to do all this shit and more if I kick him out. So why can't I just accept it for the sake of a happy family. I don't know. I feel like something is wrong with me.

And before you come blaming me, no, he was not like this pre-baby. At all. I must be a fool.

Love this🖕

I feel incredibly guilty to leave DS without a dad over some fucking dishes.
He'll still have a dad, though. Just won't live with him full time.

I'm a complete failure at motherhood.
Come on, you know the parental failure here isn't you.

Why can't I just accept it for the sake of a happy family/I just want him to have a happy childhood?

It's not a happy family, though, is it, if you're clearly miserable? And while DS might not understand now, he'll pick up on it when he's a bit older. Parents together but unhappy doesn't necessary mean happy childhood, parents separated doesn't mean a miserable one. If you split up now he'll never know any different.

I'll have to do all this shit and more if I kick him out.
Well, firstly, you'll only have to do 2 people's washing, cleaning, cooking, etc rather than 3. And unless he's a complete deadbeat, he should have DS some of the time, so you'll have whole days/weeks in which you only have to please yourself.

Have you sat down together in a neutral pre agreed location. Seperately you wrote down
all the chores that exist. Look at them together and then divided them between you ?
Also do you let him do it his way or is there a particular way you like the chores to be done?

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
It is so disrespectful.
https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

I left my lazy ex husband expecting single life to be harder. It was SO much easier because I had one less person to look after.

You aren't at fault here. He is. He is forcing you to leave. If he loved you, he would share the family responsibility. He doesn't do it because he doesn't care.

Of course he wasn’t like this pre baby. Because that was a completely different life without a baby in it.

Was he like this before DC? If so, what made you think he would change?

If you can be arsed to try to save the relationship: Make a list I’d everything that needs to be done. Split it into half. Give dh his half. Don’t do anything not on your half. Make sure you take into account the fact that you work longer hours than he does. See how you get on.

But YWNBU to end your marriage over this. He’s a lazy fuckwit who brings nothing to your life. He’s not an equal adult, and he sure as hell doesn’t think you are equal to him.

Its a very common reflection from women who dump lazy selfish men.
They unexpectedly find life less stressful.
Not always easier, but the stress of a dead weight partner dragging them down being gone, they found it easier getting on with it, now they knew where they stood.

Sounds like you own the house you’re living in, so yep, kick him out.

You've warned him enough now, tell him to leave and that he needs to sort out his own place and you plan to go 50/50 with the child-raising, so he needs to find a child-appropriate place to live, that’s close by so you can share custody.

Once he’s living on his own, clearing up after himself and cooking and parenting and washing and paying bills etc, he’ll realise how easy he’s got it.

Of course you do. Ignore that man-pleasing handmaid nonsense.

You need to ask this man to leave today and mean it. Things are not going to get better with someone like this. Call on your support system, claim benefits to start with if you need to, and do the very best possible thing by your son in teaching him that men do not get behave like this and women do not put up with it. Your future son or daughter-in-law will thank you for it!

Girl, leave. I did when I my son was 9 months and best thing I ever did. He ended up being as useless a dad as he was a husband and never saw our son anyway. It’s better for a child growing up in a happy single parent household than a miserable two parent one. Honestly. I’m

OP your life will likely be easier if you were single. There won't be more chores - there will be less.

Do not feel guilty. This is all on him. He has chosen to be an inadequate partner and father. He is the only one who can fix this. And he is choosing not to.

Choosing to walk away will make you a better mother. You will be able to create a happy, peaceful home where you and DS can thrive. Your mood will lift, your exhaustion will be less and you will be the person you want to be not some tired skivvy. And DS will watch you and learn from you. Doesnt that sound nice?

A happy relationship is about teamwork. There is balance because you are both working hard to make day to day life work. Without that, it's going to be miserable.

You have to face facts OP. He doesn't care about your happiness. He doesn't care whether the relationship will last. He doesn't love you enough and, even worse in my opinion, he doesn't like you enough to respect you.

This is why you should separate. It's not about housework, it's about your worth. You are worth more than what he is offering. You are not someone's afterthought, you should be someone's priority.

What parenting does he do, and I don’t just mean the fun stuff? Do you think he would have your DS at all if you split up?

Oh god, not ANOTHER useless manchild throwing his toys out of his pram because he's no longer the centre of attention and is expected to get off his arse and share the care.

Care of the baby, the relationship, the house, the housekeeping - equal shares of the life you're both currently living.

It's. So. Tedious.

And your poor child, faced with growing up with a waste of space father and an angry exhausted mother as their example of what a relationship and a home life could be.

SO many women on MN with experience of having lived that life themselves - because their own mothers were frightened, brainwashed into being unable to see a life without a man in it, automatically labelling themselves guilty bad mothers if they considered doing something practical to change it ...

And so many others here sharing how very much better their own and their children's lives became once they'd relieved themselves of the dead weight round their own necks. Yes, there will be logistics to deal with. But a happier more stable life is the reward.

Please leave him and do it now when your child won't really remember you being together.
Why stay with someone who just makes your life harder? What's the point?
You can do this alone and would most likely be calmer and less stressed without having his crap to deal with as well.
Actually make plans to separate and follow through. Don't waste your life like this. Don't model this to your child. That this is just the life of a wife and mother. You will be the same good mother without him in the picture. But you won't be disrespected and treated like a maid every day.

YANBU.

It's not just the chores themselves, it's needing to be on top of everything, all the time.

I have a feeling this cartoon on the Mental Load will chime with you.

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

I am one and done for just this reason. The divorce has just been finalised. DD is 5. It isn't a race to the bottom but being a married/partnered solo mum is hard. You do everything but employers/family/friends assume you are a team. Initially you are too embarrassed to say that actually you do everything. The night wakes, the cooking, the cleaning, the drop offs, the pick ups . . .
Whilst it's hard that DD doesn't currently do overnights with her Dad I'm comfortable I can take the bins out and put petrol in the car. Overall, my workload is less!
Please @ShittyLife456 look after yourself. There is an element of not taking big decisions immediately after life changes and going back to work after mat leave isn't a walk in the park but resentment is very difficult to ignore.

You wouldn't be leaving over "chores" though.

You would be leaving because of a fundamental disrespect and lack of concern, from a lazy selfish man who thinks he can coast along on half power while treating his wife like a bloody house elf.

You can't spend the next decade being that angry & resentful. It will harm you and your dcs.

Explain to your dh in short, easy to understand sentences, that if he doesn't start pulling his weight - and that means 50:50, not 70:30 - then you will seek a divorce. Give him fair warning. Then do what is best for you and your dcs, and leave.

Bring your children up, sharing chores and respecting their dm. Don't let your son grow up like his father.

Thank you. The part about doing everything but everyone assumes you are a team nails it. I'm drowning and stressed and tired and it really shouldn't be this way. He's only one child, if we tag teamed it would be so much easier. I feel so, so embarrassed.

He is breaking up the family over his refusal to do some chores.

Stay and you risk your son doing the same when he’s older- why would he do chores when his dad doesn’t ?

If you feel like making one last attempt at salvaging things, you could try writing out a list. Write out everything you've done in a week for the house and family. Include everything. During that week, don't ask your DP to do anything, just see what he picks up. Then write the (tiny) list of things he's done during the week.

Show him the two lists. I find sometimes with men that you have to really hammer home the point with clear, hard facts because they just can't see what's in front of them. Two lists will be irrefutable proof of what you're unhappy about.

However, I have to say that I'm not sure there's any coming back from how you're feeling, so I don't think there's much point in trying, is there?

Once you reach that point of festering resentment, it's extremely hard to claw it back - and absolutely fucking impossible if they refuse to show you any respect.

This is an unpopular view on MN, but would your DH actually want to share custody? Because if not, I'd just crack on with your lovely DS yourself, and no need for all the agonising over split households for him. Being a single parent isn't easy, but it's weirdly easier than sharing a home with a useless man who doesn't pull his weight. You don't have to think about anyone but you and your DS, and it's just so much more peaceful. Just to be clear, I'm not suggesting blocking contact or anything like that, but I wouldn't force overnights etc if he doesn't want them.

And just to add my voice to the chorus of PP, you're not splitting up a family over a few chores. It's a total lack of respect and consideration, and this is on him for treating you like a skivvy.

Sounds like the sort of man who will say, "The divorce came out of nowhere".

Would you consider marriage counseling, or has it gone beyond that point for you?

I would be more likely to leave over this than something like one night of drunken infidelity. I feel that strongly about it. How dare he sit there and watch his wife run ragged. Selfish wanker.

You could try just literally doing what needs to be done? I am trying that in our house but it's definitely not easy, although it's making it obvious what I was doing before!

I am also using the comment that the DC seemed to think got them out of stuff 'it's not my responsibility'.

DS has to do the dishwasher, DD has the washing machine and the other DS has to feed the cats. DH has the cooking and food ordering. There is more but that's the basics.

I told them all I wasn't doing it anymore, sometimes the sink is overflowing with pots because the dishwasher hasn't been done. I ate cereal out of a pan the other day because the dishwasher hadn't been done and it's not my responsibility. PE kit wasn't washed, not my responsibility.

I could go around and sort it all out quite quickly but long term that puts me back to feeling like everyone's servant. That's not a life I want.