To break up family over chores

[ShittyLife456]

I have a 14 month old. I do everything. House stuff, DS' food, paying bills, maintenance stuff, all of it and I'm drowning. I work FT with longer hours than him too. DP only does stuff after I told him to do it, 3 times minimum. He has no responsibility, at all. I actually just hate him now. He's another person to manage. To others and to DS, he is a nice, interesting, funny man and no doubt I am a raging bitch. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the sight of him.

I feel incredibly guilty to leave DS without a dad over some fucking dishes. I CAN handle everything. I just resent his presence in the house. I'm the problem really. God I hate myself right now. I'm a complete failure at motherhood. I should just put up with it for DS' sake, why can't I????

I'll have to do all this shit and more if I kick him out. So why can't I just accept it for the sake of a happy family. I don't know. I feel like something is wrong with me.

And before you come blaming me, no, he was not like this pre-baby. At all. I must be a fool.

You're wrong.

You won't have more to do when he leaves.

My ex generated so much laundry, dishes, mess around the house, that I never caught up.

I work more now he's gone, I do WFH, but I did when he was here and it was unmanageable.

I'm teaching the kids to tidy up and whenever I come home I know that the only mess I will see will either be mine or that of those I adore and care for willingly.

On his time with the baby you will be able to rest and advance your career.

I was with my ex for 7 years and he took the absolute piss out of me every single day. All those things you are saying about yourself, he is saying them too.

I did start to write something of a wakeup call for you, but at the end you started talking about how your life wouldn't be better without him, but it will.

It will be better than you ever imagined because a weight will have been lifted.

What scared me about leaving was not how I would manage, oh I manage, and I enjoy it!

What worried me was contact with the kids, as I didn't want to lose out on time with them.

But in fact, even though I had been so close with them and cared for them 24/7 365 for years, I actually enjoyed the time off, and I didn't think I would. I actually had full blown panic attacks about it whilst going through court.

But it actually served me and made my life better, and made the time with the kids better because I would plan our time better and have more money because I could do more work. I could organise the house, spend time with friends. I visited friends and went on nights out, something I hadn't done in over a decade.

I promise you, your life will be better when he has gone.

Obviously that part you'd need his consent for. Unless you move out and close your account of course.

I seem to recall that the deck has just one card for "cleaning", which is a massive task and need to be broken down in to at least a dozen different cards. Plus lots of silly "tasks" which are not really worth having separate cards for.

But it is a good starting point for making your own lists, tailored to you.

This. Make a list of pros and cons.
It might be worth keeping him around until DC is in full time nursery or childcare.

But I would say don't put too much weight on him bringing in money. Money is not really something to consider. Most people can expect to feel poor when they have young children, you cut your cloth according to what you income is, and there is always universal credit. Bear in mind you will feel better off financially when the DC get to teens, or have left home, and your career has developed and progressed.

However, you may feel differently if you are not currently renting and you put great value on keeping a mortgage and owning a home. But he will own half the house (presumably), so the money he brings in to pay a mortgage is for his benefit as much as yours.

If you're going to leave, you need to get rid of that guilt, you don't want to be feeling it for the next 20 years.
If you're not going to leave you have to find a way to get rid of the resentment because that's a horrible feeling to go through life with.

Totally. OP, go to counselling. Even if it is expensive, find the money.

Put the case(s) out so he can pack!

I think it might help you to reframe it a little and reflect on why you've tolerated this for over a year already? And how much longer are you willing to do this?
it won't to focus on what someone else isn't doing - but think about what you are doing and why?

I'm a single mum to 15 month old DS. I've been so since day one so know everything is on me. That's fine, DS is too young to do anything yet. If I was in a relationship like that it'd be soul destroying. LTB @ShittyLife456 , then you won't have his shit to deal with as well! Less washing, less cleaning, less cooking and washing up. If I give DS beans on toast for his tea he's not complaining, he's just happy he's been fed!

You sound so drained, exhausted, frustrated, depleted, angry, negative, neglected and abused.

Being in this state means you cannot be fully emotionally available for your baby boy. He needs to anchor and regulate his own emotional development on a stable and secure parent - which this is done through the emotional sensory process to you as well as and the emotional weather of the home environment. Both of which are bleak.

The behaviour of your DH is putting you in this emotional state that you are unable to provide the best attuned, energised, present, parenting to your baby boy.

This stage is critical and time is ticking away and it can’t be reclaimed.

Choose to proactively provide the best emotional environment for your DS with the best emotionally stable and version of you. This requires you to be rested, focused and in control. If your partner is not supportive, nourishing and cherishing you to be fulfilled, rested and stable to be the mother your DS needs then you need to take action.

We all have finite headspace, time and energy - choose how and where to deploy it judiciously. The priority is your young child’s emotional development anything or anyone who compromises this needs to be removed from your life.

What was your OH upbringing like? What is his DF like? Same Q to you.

Not looking likely, I agree. But the only way to salvage it IMHO.

If he takes the “nothing is ever good enough” response (immature), then all that can be done is agree up-front what, when and to what standard things will be done. Like a contract.

If he repeatedly/regularly breaches a contract he’s signed up to, the consequence is OP no longer cohabits with him and he has to live alone and do everything himself.

But all very draining when he’s a grown man.

Believe me when I tell you. You have nothing but stress and extra work to lose

Your DS will ultimately get a better life
ATM you are teaching him that women do everything and men can just threaten to leave for women to get back in line and that route when he is an adult will only lead to a not very nice life.

I'm not suggesting that OP should be embarrassed or ashamed, simply that it was how I felt. Ultimately, I chose to have a child with XH and chose to effectively cover up his poor behaviour.
There were many occasions where I felt things couldn't get worse, then they did. Two off the top of my head include the time he went to his sisters to watch her kids/clean the house because of a bad back v the time I was vomiting/almost passing out and he went to football leaving me with bath/bed. I'm not saying it's not good to help out family but after DD I don't think I saw that side again.
There may still be hope if he accepts some failings and couples counselling works. Like many other things, I asked. He was too busy/couldn't be bothered to arrange it. I really hope things work out for you OP, whatever that looks like.

I have a froend who had 4 DC. 3 under 3 inc twins & a 5 yr old. Her DH went away for a week golfing holiday. She realised he did so little it was easier without him. She divorced him & never looked back. She had more free time as DC stayed with dad EOW & 1 night through the week.