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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Close friend has gone NC with me over her DP

237 replies

Abbeyshome · 04/11/2025 08:30

I am feeling really upset and questioning whether I did the right thing or not.

I am single currently and was at a gathering at my friends house two weekends ago - a mix of couples, and a couple of us who are single.

My friend’s DP was alone with me in the kitchen for a couple of minutes, we were getting more drinks and chatting politely (we’ve met before and no issues). He made a highly sexual comment which I immediately shut down and he apologised.

I told my friend the next day as I thought she had a right to know. At first, she said she was thankful and said she was sorry I had to experience that. But last week she sent me a long message about how she didn’t think it was a good idea we see each other any more and that she can’t have her DP being around me so she’s going to have to ‘move on’ but wishes me all the best.

I feel really hurt and now have so many things running around my head - most of all, should I have told her or put it down to alcohol and forgot about it. I guess it just feels like our friendship meant nothing and was disposable all along.

Any advice would be welcome x

OP posts:
NCmuvva · 04/11/2025 08:33

That’s very harsh and (frankly) dim of her - but you did the right thing.

colachive · 04/11/2025 08:35

That smacks of real immaturity and insecurity - you did the right thing. Maybe this friend is not worth having?

dontlikethings · 04/11/2025 08:36

She'll probably be contacting you in a year or two, upset that her DH has been having an affair. Stay well out of it.

TY78910 · 04/11/2025 08:37

Sounds like he’s got in to her head and maybe spun that you were equally to blame for. Respect her wishes, as much as I wish everybody well, I think once this falls apart she will be back.

Lyra87 · 04/11/2025 08:39

You did the right thing OP. Chances are he's done this before if this is her reaction and the fact that she chose to end your friendship says more about their dynamic as a couple than your friendship. He's manipulated her most likely, and in that situation there's very little you can do. Have they been together long? You can decide to be there for her if/when it ends or not, and you have every right to decide not to. She's treated you very poorly.

Swiftie1878 · 04/11/2025 08:41

Please don’t worry, or even blame her.
She is probably just processing: she’ll now have had his side of the story of course, and it’ll take some time for her to realise what actually happened.

She’ll be back. 🩵

RainbowBagels · 04/11/2025 08:41

Sounds like shes scared he'll try it on again so thinks staying away from you is the best way to deal with it. Just wait it out until he cheats, vow not to say 'I told you so' and make it clear you are still there if she wants to get in touch ( if you want to)

Phoenix1Arisen · 04/11/2025 08:42

He's told her you came on to him!

defrazzled · 04/11/2025 08:43

Phoenix1Arisen · 04/11/2025 08:42

He's told her you came on to him!

This 👆
And it is so sad and happens so often. I am sorry OP.

Hoardasurass · 04/11/2025 08:44

Unfortunately she has chosen to stick with her cheating arse of a partner and ignore his actions by pretending that it didn't happen or your exaggerating what he said and the only way she can keep up the pretence is by shooting the messenger. Which is shitty for you.
Please tell someone else in your friendship group asap before she tries to turn them against you so that she never sees you and is not reminded of what a disgusting pos she's with.
Do try to resist saying i told you so when he is caught cheating and comes back to you for support

PollyBell · 04/11/2025 08:45

I wouldnt worry if she is that desperate for a man i cant imagine her being a decent friend so I would move on, if he can do that to you he can do it to others she is the one has to Iive with him so I would leave them to it

RubySquid · 04/11/2025 08:45

Well tbh I wouldn't have gone running to her telling takes. You immediately shut him down and ask far as I'm concerned that should be the end of the matter.

She's now probably spoken to him about it and he's found some way to blame you. I bet he wouldn't mention it to her otherwise

Gottocopebymyself · 04/11/2025 08:45

You did exactly the right thing OP.

It sounds as though when she has talked to him about this either he has spun it that you were the one instigating the inappropriate remark. Or she has sussed that he has an inappropriate interest in you and she is guarding her territory.

Don't beat yourself up about this. If that's the way he behaves when he has had a drink and how she reacts then you are probably better off not being involved with them.

aLogLady · 04/11/2025 08:48

She’s lucky to have (had) a friend that would tell like you did. What a creep. And what a shame she’s currently reacting like this. Certainly from a place of jealousy, and sounds like she wants to (perhaps while processing) stick her head in the sand and pretend it didn’t happen by eliminating in her mind the “threat”. Unfortunately for her, her husband is the real “threat” and she’ll carry this with her into the future of her relationship. Sorry you were treated so poorly by her, I hope she comes around.

TriggeredNameChanger · 04/11/2025 08:48

Um… I’m pretty sure your friend posted about this OP but I’m not sure if linking it is the right thing to do or not…

Original poster
Abbeyshome · 04/11/2025 08:50

RubySquid · 04/11/2025 08:45

Well tbh I wouldn't have gone running to her telling takes. You immediately shut him down and ask far as I'm concerned that should be the end of the matter.

She's now probably spoken to him about it and he's found some way to blame you. I bet he wouldn't mention it to her otherwise

I told her because it wasn’t a comment along the lines of ‘you look nice tonight’.

He basically said that he wanted to hoist up my skirt and fuck me over the kitchen counter.

I feel like if he turned it round on me then my friend would have told me that/accused me. But I don’t know..her message was just so cold. They have been together about 9 months. He had a reputation for sleeping around previously.

OP posts:
Original poster
Abbeyshome · 04/11/2025 08:50

TriggeredNameChanger · 04/11/2025 08:48

Um… I’m pretty sure your friend posted about this OP but I’m not sure if linking it is the right thing to do or not…

I can say quite confidently my friend won’t be on here (childless and not her sort of forum)

OP posts:
Kittyfur · 04/11/2025 08:51

RubySquid · 04/11/2025 08:45

Well tbh I wouldn't have gone running to her telling takes. You immediately shut him down and ask far as I'm concerned that should be the end of the matter.

She's now probably spoken to him about it and he's found some way to blame you. I bet he wouldn't mention it to her otherwise

I completely agree with you

you should have drawn it line under it and moved on instead of causing all this unnecessary drama

WinterBerry40 · 04/11/2025 08:51

I think I would wish her well and put that you hold no grudge against her , but you would never make a move on any friends partner and are completely innocent in what she has been told what went on .

dontlikethings · 04/11/2025 08:52

It's not unnecessary drama, it's another shitty man who thinks it's ok to chase any woman he wants. Your friend needed to know this about him.

TooManyCupsAndMugs · 04/11/2025 08:53

It's on her, not you. I'd second telling someone else in your friendship group so that when he tries it on with someone else, they'll be forewarned and maybe your friend will realise where the problem is. It's not uncommon- a close relative told me when she got divorced, she had a few men in her wider friendship group try it on with her, as if she were desperate for a man, any man!

ComfortFoodCafe · 04/11/2025 08:54

When he cheats and leaves her, dont be there to pick up the pieces.

Katflapkit · 04/11/2025 08:57

Just seen your update - 9 months. She binned you off for a guy she's been seeing for 9 months. That's a boyfriend and not a keeper, not a partner. How long have you been friends? I agree with the above posters, she'll be back, question is would you want her back after this .......

Ratafia · 04/11/2025 08:58

What a disgusting man. If she really values her relationship with a man who would do that over everything else, there isn't much you can do except wait for it to fall apart.