Close friend has gone NC with me over her DP

[Abbeyshome]

I am feeling really upset and questioning whether I did the right thing or not.

I am single currently and was at a gathering at my friends house two weekends ago - a mix of couples, and a couple of us who are single.

My friend’s DP was alone with me in the kitchen for a couple of minutes, we were getting more drinks and chatting politely (we’ve met before and no issues). He made a highly sexual comment which I immediately shut down and he apologised.

I told my friend the next day as I thought she had a right to know. At first, she said she was thankful and said she was sorry I had to experience that. But last week she sent me a long message about how she didn’t think it was a good idea we see each other any more and that she can’t have her DP being around me so she’s going to have to ‘move on’ but wishes me all the best.

I feel really hurt and now have so many things running around my head - most of all, should I have told her or put it down to alcohol and forgot about it. I guess it just feels like our friendship meant nothing and was disposable all along.

Any advice would be welcome x

OP you definitely did the right thing(s) on all fronts.
I'm sorry your friend has dumped you. I wouldn't be surprised if she reappears after he does it again with someone else.

Can you imagine if the sleazeball confesses two years down the line and blames the OP.

OP did the right thing and calling him out may change his behaviour - or he may move on to a quieter victim.

In my case it was my sister’s husband. She stood by him and passed it off as a joke (trying to grope my crotch when she was out of the room). I thought (wrongly) somehow I was to blame so I buried it.

Recently her husband was dismissed from his teaching job for gross misconduct and rumours of groping. Since the incident with me, his brother was jailed for abusing young boys and his father was arrested for attempted rape and molesting young girls. They treat the father like some sort of hero despite knowing about the molestation if not the attempted rape.

I agree with posters who advise OP to tell other friends the truth. My sister and her husband were creeping around people I know trying to give their version. It’s disgusting when they are out in public and don’t want confrontation. It has stopped now that everyone knows.

OP, your ‘friend’ may bin him and want to renew your friendship which would be a tough decision for you.

She’s embarrassed that her husband is attracted to you and probably has insecurities about her own level of attractiveness.

She will stay with him of course and he will work his way through her friends and she will have a miserable life consumed with jealousy towards other women and believe they are the problem, not her creep of a husband.

Watch out that she isn’t now spreading rumours that you made the move on her husband.

She's been with the man for 9 months , he's not her husband .

I cannot believe that some people here are claiming you should have kept quiet! He deserves to be called out on his disgusting behaviour and your friend has the right to know how he is attempting to cheat on her with her friends. How humiliating for this to go on behind her back. You also have the right not to be forced to collude with him in keeping his nasty little secrets.

What a shame she can't see what is going on here. I understand why you're upset to lose her as a friend but I'd be confident that his behaviour will continue and she will eventually realise that's he's the problem, not you. Whether you take her back as a friend, if she sincerely apologises, is your choice. I agree with others here saying to tell another friend the truth about what he said.

Some of you are very, very bad friends frankly. This is her friend, who has been with this sleaze for 9 months. She done the right thing warning her friend.

Agree with this.

Agree with the rest of this post but crikey I don’t know any women who would love that sort of attention from their friend’s dp! It was a highly inappropriate, disrespectful, crass, immature, suggestive thing to say and a betrayal of his partner.

So sorry you had this to deal with op! You’ve done nothing wrong! I would try and forget it for now and bide your time until your friend comes running back to you having decided her dp is a creep! At that point you can decide whether you want to be friends with her or not!

So you think there’s something open to misinterpretation? Come off it, women know when a man’s trying it on.

There a plenty of childless people on MN

I wouldn’t have told her, but I’d have made sure I was only seeing her without him in future.

This happened to me with my best friend - he tried it on with me whilst we were out one evening. I told her the next day, she immediately dropped me as a friend and that was the end of years of best friendship. They’re still together I hear rumours that he’s still an absolute dick and she’s miserable.

The whole situation really, really hurt at the time now I just feel sorry for her.

undoubtedly this is how he's spun it

He basically said that he wanted to hoist up my skirt and fuck me over the kitchen counter. 😮

You did the right thing. You won't be the first or last woman he tries this with.

She shot the messenger.

I'd leave it for now. She needs to accept the reality of it and hopefully in time she will get in touch and apologise.

You did the right thing OP, how disgusting of him

I'd wish her well and tell her that you will be just the first of many if he already has form and that she's removing the wrong person from her life.

Why on earth did you tell her?
Are you surprised now she dosent want to see you?
You dealt with it, crazy to tell her.

You're a good friend OP. If her partner can’t even be trusted around her friends then this relationship won’t last, either that or she will stay, cut herself off from everyone, get stuck with a child and then realise what a scumbag he is but by then it will be too late…

She’s right though

Why not tell her?

She's being an ostrich and probably embarrassed but refuses to see what's infront of her with her relationship.

If you wish you can send a response saying sorry you feel that way I thought it best to be open and honest. Door is open if you want it.

But otherwise would leave it there.

@Abbeyshome Im sorry your (ex) friend has behaved like this. Unfortunately people dont always behave inthe way we expect but you now know where you fit in her life so remember that when it all goes wrong.

Is this part of a wider / mutual group, as in is it likely you will see her / him again at other gatherings? Have you told anyone else what happened?
It might sound petty but i would get the word out if that is the case. Just to a few people because if she does it to you and tells everyone you came on to her DP you may find yourself ostracised.

You thought you would tell her and it wouldn't affect your friendship.

What "tales" did she tell????

What a weird perspective, classic blame the victim to protect a cheating disgusting bastard.

She did the right thing to tell her friend and it's up to her to do the right thing and end her relationship or stick her head in the sand and end the friendship, unfortunately I see her running back in a year or 2 complaining about how he cheats on her.

If OP didn't tell her and it came out she would accuse OP of trying to steal her man.

I’m not saying you were wrong to tell her, but I don’t understand how you are surprised by her reaction. There were only two possible outcomes:

1. she breaks up with her partner. But understandable that she might need a bit more time or evidence to come to terms with the fact that her bf is a pervert. Especially as he will have spun her a yarn about how it was ‘all a misunderstanding’ or whatever.
2. she stays with her partner (for the time being at least) and ends the friendship with you, because of course it would be far too awkward to maintain social contact.