Close friend has gone NC with me over her DP

[Abbeyshome]

I am feeling really upset and questioning whether I did the right thing or not.

I am single currently and was at a gathering at my friends house two weekends ago - a mix of couples, and a couple of us who are single.

My friend’s DP was alone with me in the kitchen for a couple of minutes, we were getting more drinks and chatting politely (we’ve met before and no issues). He made a highly sexual comment which I immediately shut down and he apologised.

I told my friend the next day as I thought she had a right to know. At first, she said she was thankful and said she was sorry I had to experience that. But last week she sent me a long message about how she didn’t think it was a good idea we see each other any more and that she can’t have her DP being around me so she’s going to have to ‘move on’ but wishes me all the best.

I feel really hurt and now have so many things running around my head - most of all, should I have told her or put it down to alcohol and forgot about it. I guess it just feels like our friendship meant nothing and was disposable all along.

Any advice would be welcome x

At first, she said she was thankful and said she was sorry I had to experience that. But last week she sent me a long message about how she didn’t think it was a good idea we see each other any more and that she can’t have her DP being around me so she’s going to have to ‘move on’ but wishes me all the best.

She had a week to think about it, realised she'd have to choose between her friend and her lechy man and made the wrong decision. She's an idiot. Not the first woman to choose to go down the mug's road, sadly - she's a cliche too.

My sympathies OP. You did nothing wrong at all.

Yep I read the comment. Heard far worse. From the OP I didn't think it was a gentle flirt anyway. Still stand by my view

What was the point in telling her? He apologised, that should have been the end of it. Telling your friend about it just seems spiteful.

Raise your bar.

OP you did the right thing.

So she could see what a sleazebag her boyfriend is.
He didn’t just tell the Op she looked good tonight you know. He told her he wanted to fuck her over the kitchen counter!
And you think this is ok?
Would you be happy if your boyfriend said this to another woman?
I certainly wouldn’t. I would dump his arse as soon as I found out.

Tell your friends what happened asap before she and her DH start telling everyone you came on to him.

I would respond saying that's very hurtful and wishing her all the best, as she's obviously going to need it. You did the right thing and she's being a fool.

Raise my bar? What are you on about? Or just parroting a MN saying?

Staggering responses here blaming you. How low some people’s standards are. Women of class with self esteem would definitely want to know what had been said and all good friends would have told.

Even if said in jest - and many would have regarded it as unpardonable vulgarity and sexual harassment - the normal response of the perpetrator and his partner would have been profuse red faced apologies from him to you in presence of his partner and her either kicking him to the curb or making it clear it better be a once off as profoundly unacceptable.

Are you a man? Why else would you minimise his sexual harassment of OP and yet call OP spiteful?

But the friend hasn't dumped the boyfriend. She's dumped the OP instead

Stop telling women to accept sexual harassment.

You seem to think that what he said constitutes a "drunken one off comment" that OP didn't need to tell his partner, her friend, about.

I am saying if you think a man who says something like that only says things like that as a total one off then you're deluded and need to raise your bar.

Why the rush to protect the man's feelings and relationship in this scenario? The OP and his partner are close friends, of course they should share this sort of information.

Her so called friendship is no loss. Don’t let it upset you.

I don’t think I would have said anything

Just made sure you were never alone with him again.

I think there is a big difference between saying and doing
If he has a reputation of sleeping around then he will move on to some one else very soon and you could have been there to help your friend over the break up

It was never going to go any other way telling your friend something like this. She wasn’t going to bin him off over something only you heard and she couldn’t have you mixing with her dp ever again and the fact he had stated he fancied you no matter how crude was always going to come between you

The trouble is in these situations ,he will probably have said you were coming on to him and he didnt know what to do! In future . Shut him down firmly as you did( Well done!) and just avoid him /them in future .Despite modern culture, its a truth that many women want a relationship .even though they suspect their DP is a flaky flirt who is downright unpleasant!

Yes - I know. I’m on this thread and I’ve read what the Op has posted, but thanks for pointing that out.

The Op did the right thing in telling her friend about the incident in the kitchen.

The boyfriend is a sleaze and this is one major red flag Ops friend had just chosen to ignore.

Op is in the right, boyfriend needs to be dumped and I think friend has got it all wrong.

Well it was one off to the OP. If shed given him a bollicking and he apologized then then he may not have repeated it TO HER.

And where the hell am I " protecting" the mans feelings? Id have torn him off a strip myself , so hardly worrying about his feelings

Telling tales?

Her good friend is dating an absolute creep and you think it’s telling tales? Don’t you think it would be disloyal not to tell her?

OP, she very much does not want to end her relationship and so she’s shot the messenger. You did the right thing and you’ve proven yourself to be a good friend. I hope this experience doesn’t make you keep quiet if it ever happens again. We all know that she’s going to regret it before you do and you can decide whether or not to give her another chance in the future. For now, I’d start thinking about how this is going to affect your other friendships; it sounds like group socialising isn’t going to be a thing in the future unless your mutual friends choose between you.

Could someone who thinks the OP should have kept quiet explain the positives of not telling the friend? Not the negatives of telling her - why it's actively a good thing not to tell her.

Agreed 👆
I'd leave it and hopefully she'll reach out to you when it happens to another friend.

He basically said that he wanted to hoist up my skirt and fuck me over the kitchen counter.

Can you say what he said word-for-word OP, not an interpretation? Just to give full context to the scenario.

Look if you don't think a friend deserves to know that their boyfriend is a creep, then I'm just glad I'm not your friend.

If you also wouldn't want to know if you were the partner in that scenario, then good luck to you.

Don't you think it's pretty clear already?

Well he's disgusting. You did the right thing...if he'd told you that you have beautiful eyes then that's a come on, but one you can shut down, and ignore, but his comment was awful.

Just respond in kind, because frankly you don't want to be around this man at all. Wish her well for the future, and let her know you're always here for her and leave it.