Close friend has gone NC with me over her DP

[Abbeyshome]

I am feeling really upset and questioning whether I did the right thing or not.

I am single currently and was at a gathering at my friends house two weekends ago - a mix of couples, and a couple of us who are single.

My friend’s DP was alone with me in the kitchen for a couple of minutes, we were getting more drinks and chatting politely (we’ve met before and no issues). He made a highly sexual comment which I immediately shut down and he apologised.

I told my friend the next day as I thought she had a right to know. At first, she said she was thankful and said she was sorry I had to experience that. But last week she sent me a long message about how she didn’t think it was a good idea we see each other any more and that she can’t have her DP being around me so she’s going to have to ‘move on’ but wishes me all the best.

I feel really hurt and now have so many things running around my head - most of all, should I have told her or put it down to alcohol and forgot about it. I guess it just feels like our friendship meant nothing and was disposable all along.

Any advice would be welcome x

Yeah I can’t really add anything!

Its easier to cut you out than admit that her bloke is a creep and ditch him.

And he will have spun it that you were flirting with him etc

I know it probably stings a bit right now, but the comment he made to you was absolutely appalling and, quite frankly, a bit frightening. If he’s that bold to speak like that in company, imagine what he’s like behind her back? I think it’s better for you to stay out of it. She may come back, she may not. Losing friendships from events that are out of your control is sometimes part of life. You can always offer to keep the hand o friendship open, but may have to accept that this is a permanent end.

We don't need word for word.... You have all the information you need to understand what he said.

When people say ‘he basically said’ I’m
always skeptical.

You are a great friend for telling her.

She is scared of losing her partner. So she binned you instead.

He will be more successful with other desperate women who love that kind of man because they think it’s flattering. He’s probably found it usually works a treat.

She will find out eventually. Or get an STD or something.

Meanwhile, hold your head high and keep moving forward. You did the right thing. We could all do with more friends like you! And also the type of women that put scummy men like this right back in their box.

Fuck that! She has made her bed!

Or not. Why should the OP be there for her?

Ah. Forensic insights here. 🙄

Op said ‘basically’ , I’m not saying she misinterpreted but I am always a bit skeptical when someone repeats info using that turn of phrase

Haha you’re funny

“Telling tales?” Are you 5?

She reported what the creep said to her and anyone who wouldn’t do that is a bad friend. Yes the boyfriend then lied, and yes OP’s lost a friend - for now - but that doesn’t stop it being the right thing to do. I’d want to know if my partner was saying things like that. And so would most women.

This.
Sucks to be her.

Painful for you. Close friendships ending is awful, take time to grieve. In a few months you might realise there have been things you've tolerated for the sake of your friendship which show her to be less than kind.

God, you're pathetic. Raise your standards!

It’s the only way it could have gone. Let it be. She’ll blame her husband later realising she lost a friend. She doesn’t trust him but her relationship is the most important thing to her so doesn’t want to sabatoge it. By being around you. The temptation.

Strange. Perhaps stop being strange.

Well, I would have told her too. Not because i think she “deserved” to know - but because I’d have been annoyed at being spoken to like that in my friend’s house after making polite chit-chat with her boyfriend.

If you really want to maintain a relationship with your friend, can you not just say that you’re equally keen to avoid further contact with her boyfriend but youre happy for her and you to catch up for coffee/drinks, etc alone. And just agree to speak about other things and leave this incident in the past?

I think the issue is your friend will be embarrassed. But this charmer is going to offend other friends before long. I think if you just leave the offer on the table, she’ll come round. And if you meet, pretend like her DP doesnt exist.

What was the comment Op

And you are rude. Learn some manners

I agree she knows she has to choose between her boyfriend and her friend and she has chosen her boyfriend.
I don’t think it’s a case of not believing the op, simply she wants to keep her boyfriend.
It is sad that women are socialised to accept this vile behaviour.
Op— you did the right thing. Tell your friends exactly what he did.
I would either block her or reply with a comment along the lines of ‘ Well that’s your choice, enjoy the rest of your life with your cheating shit of a boyfriend.’
Only you can decide if you want to be there for her when it all goes wrong.

It's clearly stated by the OP

OP, unfortunately your friend has put her DP before you and you are the one who has to go. She will realise her mistake when the next person he says it to, agrees to it, and she finds herself being cheated on.

I was ghosted by a childhood friend of over 40 years when she started a new relationship and it hurts. I fear that she is being controlled, but there is nothing I can do about it.

He has clearly lied to her and made it all your fault and she believes him, which tells you how little she values your friendship.

She might come running back when it ends, but it's up to you whether you ever accept her friendship again. She might be being controlled obviously, but some women do value their worth by being in a relationship.

Have to agree. OP was absolutely right to shut him down and absolutely right to tell her friend. I would be beyond devastated if I found out that I was with someone who talked to women like this.

It was absolutely clear what was meant. Why are you trying to cast doubt?

What context do you need? He was a sleazy perv no more context needed unless you think there's a situation where perving on your partners friends is ok