Close friend has gone NC with me over her DP

[Abbeyshome]

I am feeling really upset and questioning whether I did the right thing or not.

I am single currently and was at a gathering at my friends house two weekends ago - a mix of couples, and a couple of us who are single.

My friend’s DP was alone with me in the kitchen for a couple of minutes, we were getting more drinks and chatting politely (we’ve met before and no issues). He made a highly sexual comment which I immediately shut down and he apologised.

I told my friend the next day as I thought she had a right to know. At first, she said she was thankful and said she was sorry I had to experience that. But last week she sent me a long message about how she didn’t think it was a good idea we see each other any more and that she can’t have her DP being around me so she’s going to have to ‘move on’ but wishes me all the best.

I feel really hurt and now have so many things running around my head - most of all, should I have told her or put it down to alcohol and forgot about it. I guess it just feels like our friendship meant nothing and was disposable all along.

Any advice would be welcome x

I think that the partner has told her that you came onto him or that it never happened so she doesn’t believe you. Either way you did the right thing.

You did the right thing

Friend is digging her own grave. Should have been an instant dump of this man.

I would just not contact her again.

She's being extremely stupid and coming across desperate. Thowing away a long standing friendship with a loyal friend for a 9 month relationship with a sleezy man is crazy. Does she think keeping him away from you is problem solved lol. She can't keep him away from every woman that he might take a fancy to and try it on with. Others won't have the loyalty to her like you do, so it is only a matter of time until he finds 1 that doesn't turn him down.

She will be back with her tail between her legs. If I was you I would turn her away. She is not a good friend to you to do this

Read the update

You were a good friend and told her: she’s a big girl and made her choice based on the information you’ve given her!!

She’s actually done you a favour by distancing herself from you- after she’s chosen to stay with someone like that - he’s a creep and she’s choosing to stay with a creep.
so she probably would have then blamed you in the future:

you’re well rid!

I wouldn't want her back if she's the type of woman who chooses to bin a close friend over some slimeball she's only been seeing for 9 months!

Also, I know you said you’re seeing other friends tonight.

Personally, I wouldn’t bring it up unless they do — and if it comes up, stay non-committal and move the conversation along, unless these are very close friends you truly trust.

You don’t want your name linked to a sleaze or a cheat, and the more energy you give something, the more it sticks to you and pulls you into it.

This is a sign to move on from her friendship!

I don’t think you can misunderstand what that pig said. Stop excusing men’s poor behaviour and expecting women to smile and be uncomfortable.

Is there a chance that the boyfriend messaged you from your friend's phone? Easier for him if you're not speaking to her.

I’d be telling them what happened. Don’t cover for either her or him. What he said to you was disgustingly and if my partner said that to anyone they’d be an ex. It’s a new bf. If she was married to him with kids, it would be more complicated (but still no reason to defriend you) but for a new bf then her standards must be very low. Well done you for calling him out and letting her know. Yeah you’ll grieve the friendship you thought you had but she’s shown you her values now. That’s who she is. Someone who puts a svummy man before her friends.

You did the right thing and ever doubt yourself about that.

She's being delusional, and this is a classic case of the messenger getting shot.

She's insecure in her new marriage relationship, isn't she. Poor woman. Looks like she's finding out "I'm so special that he's stopped wanting other women" is a delusion, as always.

She was completely wrong to blame you, OP - more accurately, she doesn't blame you but sees you as a temptation strong enough to lure her man off his freshly-chosen path of righteousness 🙄

But I sympathise with her. She's made a massive, public commitment to coupledom with this Lothario. She's placed all her trust in him and now finds it was misplaced. She's not going to want to face that. She will, in time, when the evidence mounts to a level she can't ignore.

You didn't do wrong in telling her: the stakes are too high for her to back away from him now, but you've contributed a piece to a puzzle she won't want to complete. I'm sorry that man's put you in this position.

EDIT: I thought they were married. Now I see they aren't, I hope she can get out of this faster!

Ok, you are right, I missed that post from OP.

That's very sad, and a very immature response from your friend.

If anything, she should be kicking the DP to the curb, not the friend!

Apparently different responses to him from different people expressed here makes you a misogynist. 🙄

Op, sorry if I have missed it but did you tell her the detail of what he actually said to you?

She will realise soon enough. And then you will have difficult decision as to what to do with your friendship.

Who caused all the drama sorry?

This isn't about you. This is about her wrestling with the ugly realisation that she's involved with a known creep.

So many women will put up with anything rather than be single, and we can't always know what drives them to do that.

And sadly instead of the friend who considered her wellbeing and happiness, she has chosen to cling to the man who will inevitably go on to destroy it and so weaken her friendship circle.

If you love her, accept her decision with a kind, polite reply that lets her know you hear her point of view, tell her you'll always think of her as a friend and hope you can be again. Wish her all the best and end with a reminder of your contact details. Then step away. You may find one day there's a tentative reaching out from a regretful friend who now really needs you.

Oh that will be the victim of his sexual harassment causing the drama - because misogynists state horrors like this:

“He’s probably found it usually works a treat and he will be more successful with other desperate women who love that kind of man because they think it’s flattering”

To be ‘fair’ he didn’t know the OP wasn’t one of those types of women identified by the misogynistic poster above - so it’s ‘understandable’ that he sexually harasses any woman in his predatory path until someone ‘relents’ as ‘they love this type of man and find it flattering’

Honestly with other women holding and spouting these views, I despair.

My Ex friends part time boyfriend made a pass at me whilst sitting in between me and her in the back of a taxi and I asked him to stop very clearly. My friend sided with him, I was so shocked. Completely ditched me as a friend, cancelled all the shared invites we had including a party I helped organise for her. A week later he’d moved on to someone new and dumped her. Whilst I am sympathetic as she was clearly desperate and had just been dumped by a married man she’d been with for 20 years (behind everyone’s backs) I’m shocked I didn’t call her out on it now. However about a year later she got in touch and I just accepted her back as a friend although I have to say the very easy friendship we’d had wasn’t the same. It wasn’t until I caught a message from her a while later to my OH on his mobile that it finally hit me what a dire friend she had been. To cut a long story short my dad had died and my MH took a nose dive and my OH reached out to her to see if she would come and visit me and she suggested he take me to the Dr instead. Gutting but this time I couldn’t really explain her behaviour away. But I also know why she acted like she did and that wasn’t a reflection on me it was her own issues. I now have better boundaries.

Poor misunderstood little man.

You have done nothing wrong op. I’m sure that you aren’t the first and won’t be the last friend that she loses due to her disgusting partner.

Oh honestly. I despair. The misogyny. 🙄

Because there are absolutely no men or women out there who would ever regard this kind of awful attention from this kind of creep as flattering. And there are absolutely no women or men out there who would ever respond to it. (There are many).

Please do some dictionary work.

Lol at the saddo menz pitiful attempts to minimize and denigrate the OP. Nice try fellas. 🤣