Close friend has gone NC with me over her DP

[Abbeyshome]

I am feeling really upset and questioning whether I did the right thing or not.

I am single currently and was at a gathering at my friends house two weekends ago - a mix of couples, and a couple of us who are single.

My friend’s DP was alone with me in the kitchen for a couple of minutes, we were getting more drinks and chatting politely (we’ve met before and no issues). He made a highly sexual comment which I immediately shut down and he apologised.

I told my friend the next day as I thought she had a right to know. At first, she said she was thankful and said she was sorry I had to experience that. But last week she sent me a long message about how she didn’t think it was a good idea we see each other any more and that she can’t have her DP being around me so she’s going to have to ‘move on’ but wishes me all the best.

I feel really hurt and now have so many things running around my head - most of all, should I have told her or put it down to alcohol and forgot about it. I guess it just feels like our friendship meant nothing and was disposable all along.

Any advice would be welcome x

Fucking hell. He's a predator, not just a pest. You have absolutely done the right thing to tell her.

Personally I'd be glad she cut me off as I wouldn't want to be in a room with him again.

A drunken one off comment about how he wanted to " hoist up my skirt and fuck me over the kitchen counter."

😆 You have very low standards and boundaries 😂

I would want to know if my partner was such a fucking sleazeball

Messengers are often shot in this kind of scenario unfortunately. You did the right thing though OP.

She’ll realise she’s made a bad mistake soon enough.

That's absolutely fine if that's what's she's chasing to do, OP did the right thing and should not protect a cheating bastard just to remain friends whilst knowing the idiot is probably cheating on her.

And as many people have said her friend will most likely come running back at some point because guess what, the bastard will continue to cheat and be inappropriate and she will continue to stick her head in the sand until she can't anymore and hopefully she will do the right thing and end the relationship.

Again raise your standards and stop protecting cheating sleazeballs.

Totally agree with this. I have been in a similar situation with a couple of my friends husbands (I’m not single). I felt like I should - or I wanted to tell them, like I owed my friends the truth but I know exactly what would happen. I felt so ashamed but I knew I’d be blamed for it. I told my DH about one incident but not the other. I keep my distance from both the husbands now. Selfishly I wanted to keep my friends and not blow up both friendship groups. I hate that I am protecting these horrible men’s secrets.

You didn’t do the wrong thing OP but this was inevitable. He is a horrible person and your friend is going to brush it under the carpet. You are better off without them both but I’m sorry if it messes up your friendship group. I would also confide in another friend in case lies start flying around.

Nope. His actions constitute sexual harassment:

‘Sexual harassment is unwanted conduct of a sexual nature that violates a person's dignity or creates a hostile environment. It can be verbal, physical, or non-verbal and includes actions like inappropriate comments or jokes, unwanted touching, suggestive gestures, or displaying explicit material. The behavior can range from offensive remarks to sexual assault and can happen in any social setting.

Verbal harassment
Sexual or suggestive comments, remarks about a person's body, clothing, or appearance
Telling sexual jokes or stories, or making sexually degrading comments
Spreading sexual rumors about someone
Asking intrusive questions about someone's sex life, fantasies, or history
Using sexualized nicknames like "honey" or "babe"

Key considerations
Unwanted: The behavior is not welcome and can make a person feel scared, humiliated, or intimidated.

Purpose or effect: It doesn't matter if the harasser intended to cause offense; if the conduct has that effect, it can still be sexual harassment.

Setting: It can happen anywhere, including the workplace, school, or online.

Forms: It can be a single incident or a series of actions over time’

Its hardly telling tales, surely women have a right to know that the man they are with makes sexual remarks to other women. Then they can decide if they want to be with a man like that. OP gave her friend a choice, or do you think women aren;t entitled to have choices about who they want to be with and should have bad behaviour hidden from them to protect and enable men ?

I imagine your friend will be back OP because he will do it and more again. Up to you whether you want to keep the door open for her.

I wasn't protecting him. I just would've dealt with the situation myself and torn him off a strip. OP has r actually said what she replied to the sleazeball anyway. Did she say nothing or did she give him an earful

Having a go at someone for bad behavior isn't protecting them.

This isn’t your fault. You did the right thing.

How sad for her that she’d rather have some icky man over a good friend, but she won’t be the first woman to do this nor the last.

She's going to run out of female friends pretty quickly.

I couldn't agree less.

For multiple reasons, I would be horrified if a friend didn't tell me about an incident like this.

Id be inclined to text back "I don't think you can have your DP around any woman I'm afraid Susan. A shame you're throwing this friendship away, but good luck. Unfortunately I think you're going to need it".

He’s a cheater, she knows he’s a cheater and now she also knows he has the hots for you so she doesn’t trust him around you and is too embarrassed to own up to the fact her partner isn’t trustworthy so it’s easier to blame you.

I’d say you dodged two bullets.

Your 'friend' is a total mug. Let her get on with it. She's chose this fool over a real honest friend. Wait until he cheats on her then she'll come running back.

Would you then dump your friend if she did?

At first, she said she was thankful and said she was sorry I had to experience that.

Hang on to this. This is your real friend.

The follow up message was a result of coercion and threats by a highly manipulative and abusive partner (he has to be well skilled in these gas-lighting tactics to be someone with a reputation for sleeping around) - he is also employing the other abusive tactic of isolating her from her friend(s).

Have compassion for the deep shit she is currently in and be proud that you took the opportunity to communicate a transgression. Currently she has rejected this but it will stand prominently alongside all of the other red flags she is currently ignoring or has been gaslit / coerced to dismiss.

Don’t take this personally. Feel sad for your friend and don’t fall in to the trap of arguing with her (that’s what he wants to happen).

It will all come out in the wash but be vigilant with your wider circle so that you are not excluded.

Haven’t RTFT but how short sighted of her.
sadly you are the messenger and you got shot but that doesn’t mean you did the wrong thing!!

If she wants to believe him and be cruel to you let her.

Years ago a close friend's husband was utterly vile to me and I was upset by it. She refused to believe he said anything even though others knew and he had form. So I knew my place and I withdrew.

@Abbeyshome I think you did the right thing. If it were me, I’d message back and say something like ‘I’m sorry you feel that way but I understand it is hard to hear something like this. Just for the record, I did not encourage him nor start the conversation, which went like this (then detail what was said by whom). I hope you’ll feel different about things in future but I wish you all the best anyway’ but obviously you may feel differently.

I hope she reflects and realises he may be a snake (if he did twist things) or just be processing things and feeling awkward.

Reply to your friend saying you’re hurt but understand and you will still be here for her when she realises her bf is a creep/escapes his clutches.

The OP has been a decent person by telling her ‘friend’. Her ‘friend’ is a dickhead for treating her the way she has. The ‘friend’ is the crazy one!

The PP on this thread who wouldn’t tell their ‘friends’ are not friends at all!

She’s reacted like this because she’s burying her head in the sand. She quite clearly knows this is an awful inappropriate comment for him to make and it’s easier for her to block it all out (which also means blocking you out)

If you haven’t already replied to her I would just message and say what you’re sad she feels that way and you really value your friendship and if and when she decides she’s like to get back in touch your door will be open.

We’ve all been there with friends who are in relationships that aren’t healthy and when a mirror is held up to it they can often lash out and take out their feelings on the person bringing up the issues rather than actually face what’s going on.

Her being encouraged to isolate from friends is a red flag though. He's almost certainly gaslit her.

I think I'd be really cross with her (and still with him) ... but ultimately you gain nothing by saying anything back to her. Apart from knowing you'll be able to say "I told you so".

She might come back to you in search of your friendship in the future.. but she may not. She might live happily ever after with him.