Warning to all mums

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

An alternative message of hope to mums. Yes, of course your children don't always need you as much as when they were small but being 'discarded' is not inevitable.

I'd LOVE to hear their side of the story.

For my part, it was my mum who left and never looked back.

Woe is me.

You’re going to have to give more detail, OP. How have you been ‘discarded’?

No it doesn’t happen to everyone- some children die. Some children depend on their parents forever because they cannot function alone.
Some are grateful.

No it doesn’t happen to everyone at all.
Would love to know your children’s side of the story.

Its rare I go more than 2 days without speaking to my mum.

Um...no they won't, thanks. My adult children are still very close to their parents and family, even when geographically apart. My husband and I very close to his family.

I'm sorry that's your experience, buts it not common in my experience at all

I'm sorry you feel this way, but your children having lives and families isn't a bad thing.

This kind of self indulgent woe-is-me thing is really draining though. It's how my aunt talks to my cousin and my cousin barely sees her as a result - it's too exhausting.

Meanwhile I see my mam at least once a week, usually more, because she's never expected anything of me but being happy. Maybe you're putting the responsibility for your happiness on your children too much and they're finding it wearing?

Gosh that's depressing. Although I don't think true in all cases? Isn't it our job to give them wings to go off and live their own fulfilling lives? Sorry you're not part of your kids lives.

Speak for yourself.

Why have you worded that like it's the same for everyone?

You do know all mums and adult DC are individuals, don't you?

I speak to my mum every day. Shes my best friend and im in my mid 30s with my own kids! Its definitely not inevitable!

I speak to my mum every day, spend at least one night a week overnight with ger and go on holidays with her! I'm in my 30s with my own family but definitely haven't discarded her

Not true of my mum's kids. All 3 of us speak to her daily and see her weekly at least.

I talk to my mum at least once a week, see her about once a month (would love it to be more if distance allowed) and regularly stay with her. WhatsApp most days probably.

I didn’t have trips to Disney, but she is a fab combination of loving, fun and practical.

I see my parents and my in laws every single week. I am in contact with my mum nearly every day. I'm married, have a child and don't live that close anymore.

I have a sibling who sees my parents nearly every day.

I have another sibling who sees my parents rarely, only instigates when they want something.

I'm sorry OP, it's really shit that this has happened to you.

Ahh I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. We all know from our own experience of growing up and leaving home, that we never thought about our mums remotely as much as we now know they will have been thinking about us. I’ve not reached that stage but there must be sorrow in that at times, amongst many other emotions including pride that you raised them to that point.

I don’t know if it helps but try to remember when you left home and the world was so much more exciting than safe, familiar mum. Just continue what you always have done - giving to them - but now what they need is for you to be happy for them, and be there if they need you. That really is love if you can offer them that, despite your own wishes to be with them all the time. I hope in time your new life starts to fill with new and exciting things for you.

I think you might have an exceptional mom. Not many people are that lucky. I’m happy for you and your mom. It’s sounds like a beautiful mother daughter relationship.

This is your experience. Not all mums. I certainly haven't discarded my mum.

Such a shame for you but not true here either

Do you ever message them first? My mum never initiates so now we’re at an impasse because I’m not going to beg.

Tbh I don't know your circumstances but you sound exactly like my mum who after 40 years for my own sanity and peace of mind I had to go no contact with, my own adult children haven't discarded me however we are very close and the older 2 who have moved out years ago still come for tea once a week and raid the snack cupboard like they still live here. I'm sorry you feel that way x

I bet you guilt trip them about it and make passive aggressive comments.
You want them to be dependent on you and can't cope with them having their own success and happiness. You hold them responsible for your happiness. And maybe they are distant because you've been emotionally dependent on them their whole lives and they're sick of it.
You sound like my mum.
Be happy for them. Be helpful (with no strings attached). Enjoy your life, hobbies friends.

How old are they now? I am very close to Mum now and have been since I was around 28 but between my teenage years and then I was very much doing my own thing and would go weeks and weeks without seeing her. No fall out just me being very self absorbed and very busy at work and with my social life and travel.