Warning to all mums

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

Doesn’t that mean you’ve done a good job?

I’m very close to my mum. She stays with me and the kids once a week and I speak to her most days. I hope my kids still contact me when they leave home

Yes, exactly. I'm a bit crap with my parents but will normally talk to them at least twice a week, and see them once a fortnight. That's my opinion of 'a bit crap' - they're about 40 mins away. My DH talks to his parents everyday (5 hours drive away).

Did you give your children so much material stuff, OP, and forget the boundaries? When those go I tend to find that is what makes children think they can do whatever they like, and not consider the feelings of others.

I think you've put too much emphasis on how much everything cost, OP. There was no need to spend all that money. But I agree with you that breaking contact with parents is much more of a thing now than it used to be. Young people seem to egg each other on online. I've also heard a few stories of young people becoming very bitter towards their parents after having therapy. Therapists only hear the child's side of the story, and therapy is of course very much based on the individual focusing on themselves and not on others. Young people seem to be more entitled these days - they have very high expectations of parents and employers, and low expectations of themselves. I've read some threads on Mumsnet where the young person broke contact, or was considering breaking contact, over almost nothing. I remember the one where a man and his girlfriend went to his parents' for the weekend. Everything was good. Then the girlfriend overhead the parents mentioning to each other that she was fat (which she was), and on that basis alone made her boyfriend leave the parents' house with her without any explanation, and break contact with them. Which he agreed to do.

And some parents come close to destroying their children, often unintentionally, while everyone around them thinks that parent is wonderful (speaking from experience here). Trust me, you never know what is happening inside a relationship. There's usually a reason adult children don't see their parents.

I hear you OP.
I don't have children but I work with the elderly. It is sad how many of them have children who live abroad and don't see them, or have moved so far away in this country, they see them very rarely.
A lot of adult children visit out of duty rather than actually wanting to see their parents.
People tend to form their own family units and some still involve their parents and some don't.
I am sorry you are not involved OP, it doesn't help but all you can do is try and fill the void in some other way by pursuing interests and hobbies or perhaps volunteering with like minded people.

I’m so sorry OP it sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I went through a period of not being in enough contact with my parents through my twenties, which I do regret so your message really resonated with me. In hindsight I think it was caused by me working away, working long hours and them not really understanding my life or trying to. We are back to being extremely close now and have been for decades.
I would say try messaging with positive reminders you are around and love them and just hang in there. ❤️

So what is your point? Should we treat our kids badly and do nothing for them as they’re not going to keep in touch anyway??

I can say that my brother and I both see my mum and dad regularly… the older two live abroad, but she sees us younger two reasonably often.

what was your relationship like with your parents @ILoveHolidaysAbroad ? Did you teach your children parents were important?

There's a compromise option. Bring up your children well, but don't make everything about them. Everything being centred on the children is a new phenomenon, and it doesn't seem to be working out that well.

I couldn't help but detect in your post the emphasis on how much you say you have done for your children by way of material things, the best holidays and parties etc. What was your day to day relationship like with them? Could they talk to you ?

Although it is upsetting that you may not see them as frequently as you would like to, it is to your credit that you have raised them to be independent and self sufficient.

i cultured a friendship with my DDs as they got older. Eldest (26) lives 45 min away and we talk 2-3 times a week and meet up a couple times a month. Youngest (23) still lives with us. I know I’m lucky though.
You have given your kids the confidence to be independent and to navigate the world that’s definitely something to be proud of.

Meanwhile I employ my mother, chose to see her most weekends as well and call her to and from work despite being with her most of the day. I have lots of friends and a wonderful family life of my own.

I think from what you’ve said that means you’ve done a good job. Your DC have made some good life choices and seem to have made a success of themselves so well done you. We don’t raise our children with the intention of them sticking close forever. We raise them so they have the skills and confidence to be independent.

As for seeing them I understand that it must feel sad but if you work 7 days a week, could it not be your availability that’s also contributing to the problem? It’s unfair to place the onus of visiting all on one person and expect them to fit in which your schedule. Relationships are a compromise.

Do you have other things to fill your time. Friends, hobbies, volunteering? I usually find this feeling of abandonment comes from people who devoted their whole lives to raising DC and forgot about themselves along the way. When the DC reach adulthood and independence the parent is lost as they’re no longer needed in the capacity they once were.

Whilst it’s commendable that you’ve raised your DC so well, they don’t owe you anything for the experience. They didn’t have a say in what kind of childhood you gave them, you made the choices and sacrifices and if you didn’t make them willingly that’s on you. I can understand you feeling sad but it’s unfair to decide that because of all the effort you put in your DD shouldn’t live abroad for example.

The very fact you based your love and attention on extravagant hings kinda explains something. Maybe reflect on that... How did you react when they cried? Needed supportive ear rather than a lecture...

A mother's worth is not based on things or extravagance. Is based on how you show up for them. Your comment suggested you used materialistic things and that's not what your children needed... Them not being around as adults shows you're still the same!

Mum "gave you everything you everything, nice holidays, shoes etc"

Child " yes mum but you weren't there when I emotionally needed you!"

Wow. You do realise your situation doesn’t dictate others? I had the loveliest upbringing. Parents did absolutely everything they could for my brother and me. My mum sadly died 3 years ago but we used to speak on the phone every single day. And I still talk to my dad every day. My world fell apart when my mum died, so did my brothers. I’m now a mum myself and I’m sure my son and future children will hopefully be the same.

Look on the bright side OP, you have obviously brought them up well because they have full lives. It can be hard work for younger adults trying to work at their careers, bring up their children etc.

You say there are no fall outs so I doubt they are self consciously cutting you out, they may just be busy. You can't make them responsible for your happiness so don't try, and don't whatever you do try to guilt them into seeing you more. It may work but they will resent every minute of it, is that what you want?

Best to just focus on filling up your own life with interests, friends etc now your child rearing is done and you have the freedom to do so. Be happy for them and let go, just regularly reach out to them with love and no obligations.

I have to confess that the self pitying tone of this post has got to me quite badly. I have one DS who has severe disabilities, won't ever be independent so unlike your DC mine will be with me for life. Very limited opportunities for a fulfilling life for myself either.

I am not sure whether that is what you are thinking of in your desire to keep your DC with you forever; or whether you have considered the impact of your post on others. You don't consider mums like me evidently, in your 'warning to all mums'. Still, for me it is a useful insight into the preoccupations of 'normal' mums; otherwise it would just be yet another self-pitying 'woe is me' piece of claptrap for me to stomach on MN.

Based on a case study of one family?
I never ‘discarded’ either of my parents, we’ll be a constant in each other’s lives until we are parted by death. We will always need each other, regardless of age.

I would suggest putting your cards on the table and saying to your children that you miss them and want more contact, life is too short to not identify and explain any elephants in the room.

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad
I would like to (gently) suggest this is your chickens coming home to roost. You don’t do your children, or anyone around them, any favours by spoiling them. You have taught them that their wants and needs and feelings come before everyone else’s. You can’t expect them to do anything but act like that 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don't you also have your own life? Were those years not worth it on their own merit? What efforts do you make to be closer to them? I've spent years living abroad, as does my wife. Doesn't mean we don't love our parents, just that circumstances are tricky. Not such a problem because they have active lives of their own.

In other words, don't spoil your kids.

You've chosen not to give a full picture of how things have been, OP. Just answered some questions. So there's not much to engage with. eg Working seven days a week is pretty extreme, but you haven't elaborated.

Oh well will you look at that!. 1 boy and 1 girl. Can people please stop it with the boys don't love their mums shit. They adore them. Hence we have the "evil MIL trope". Just let your husbands love their mums like you love yours. It's always the DIL who clashes with the MIL. Never the SIL clashing with the FIL. I think us women need to get our shit together and stop blaming other women ( the ones that raised the man you married) for every tiny thing. Sorry rant over.😍

That's pretty dismissive and patronising. I would feel the same too

I have read this and thought how wonderful for your kids that you have given them their wings to fly.

It doesn’t quite add up and I suspect there is more to this but time for you to have your fun and spend time doing what you want to do.