Warning to all mums

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

I’m 37 and see my mum more than ever, she’s far from discarded. Still holiday together at least once a year too.

My dd1 is 18. It’s a huge source of pride for me that she’s planning her future now. It’s right that I won’t, at some point, be that constant in her life because she’ll have her own life. That’s entirely the point.

But I won’t be “discarded”. My role in her life will be different, and I think that’s okay.

Until I did fall out with dad (he was difficult) I used to phone a lot and go travel 350 miles to see them every six weeks, despite working a job with very long hours. Saw them every Xmas and tried to make their birthdays. Mum and I were very close even into my adulthood, she was a lovely, kind person. My brothers though barely bothered to go see them because of dad. I do think parents have some part to play in the lack of visiting, if really truthful.

ALL of your children have discarded you? And none of them have given any indication why?

My DM can be very difficult; I still text her every day and see her and DF every few weeks, often more regularly depending on what’s going on.

I’m sorry for what’s happened to you and I hope it doesn’t last, but your experience is not universal.

Why not ring your DC and invite them home for the weekend, out to lunch or ask to visit them?

The tone of your OP is very transactional; DC don’t owe you their time because you took them to Disneyland. If they’re teens or twenties they’ll just be busy and will be in touch more when they’re a bit older.

In your shoes I’d ring them once a week and find fulfilling hobbies as you get older.

Hmmm, I suspect you're the issue here, not the kids..

Tbh I kind of think you make the decision to become a parent because you're prepared to do these things for your kids because that's the life they deserve. I don't expect to hold my good parenting over my child's head when he's older, I hope I can foster a good relationship with him into adult hood that he wants to continue that with me and as a lone parent I intend to try to keep my own life as fulfilled as possible in other ways so I'm not depending on ds to meet my emotional needs.

My mum would probably write similar and she has real issues with boundaries and respect.

Nope. Am another one who speak to my parents weekly. Dad lives close by so see him weekly, probably every month/couple of months for my mum but she is further away. I am 40 with my own family.

I’m just glad that my DC are independent. We speak every 2-3 weeks and other than that they are busy, living their lives as they should be. I’m sure I was the same at their age.

OP, how old are they? Maybe they're busy with life but they might yet come back to you. There is an age when you take your parents for granted but changes as you get older and have kids of their own.

Thanks for all the lovely support. It’s so lovely when women heal each other.

God I can’t wait to be “discarded”! I have had to curtail my exciting life and job massively to be there for my kid and can’t wait for him not to need me anymore! With kindness, it’s time for you to get a hobby and start enjoying your life for you OP! Xx

Or an alternative way of looking at it is that you did your job as a parent and raised them to independence.

You love your children when they are small so that they can grow up and become loving adults, who pass the love on.
If they stay close and have a good relationship with you that is wonderful, but it's not a truly reciprocal thing.

It is important for adult children to make their own life , if they have done this then you did a good job.

I’m sorry things have turned out that way for you, OP, but your experience isn’t universal. I see my sons and daughters-in-law regularly, together and individually, and speak with them often. I’ve spent lots of time with my grandaughters, and although the older ones are now teenagers with their own busy lives - which is as it should be - they still visit and invite us to things now and again, and occasionally tag along when we do things with the younger ones.

Oh i'm sorry, op.

Assuming there are no big reasons for them doing so, let them all know how abandoned you feel - send them all a message where you pour your heart out. You dont deserve to be abandoned xx

I think we need a lot more context here. My mother would say the same: we appeared to be a 'naice' family to others, we were all well dressed and were taken on holidays, piano lessons etc, but our mother verbally and physically abused us until the minute we were able to leave home. She now wonders why we don't call or visit.

If you have strong foundations, in most cases, they dont discard you. They just put you into storage for a while to make room for other things. Then when they have more space, out you come again. Meanwhile you get to poke around the attic finding all sorts of interesting things you never even knew were there.

As they should… that’s the whole point to prepare them to live a full independent life…

Yeah, I think when my oldest moves out he'll be like that. We have a good relationship but he has a lot going on and is a bit in his own little world sometimes so I'm not expecting regular long phone calls or anything.

I speak to my own parents every week and see them a few times a month on the whole.

I speak to my mum every day and see her a couple of times a week - planning a holiday together for next year!

Everything you have mentioned seems to be financial, working less, extravagant parties, disneyland. While I recognised you sacrificed a lot to give those things to your children, big holidays and expensive things aren't what make a childhood.

My childhood was very abusive and difficult (obviously not saying this is the case in your situation) but all my mother focuses on is that she "Gave us everything" and sites multiple expensive holidays and a big house as proof we had a good childhood while I dreaded the holidays and it was just taking me away from any of my own comforts and forcing me in close proximity with my parents and the big house may have looked great from the outside but it felt like a prison.

While I'm sure you weren't like my parents, could you reflect on your children's lives in a different way? Taking the financial stuff out of it, how was the emotional safety in the house? Were you close while they were growing up?

You seem to have quite a transactional relationship with your child.
you "gave" them "the best of everything" that has a price tag.

I was a single parent. I didn't have money to put into our relationship. What I gave to my child I gave because i loved them, not because i expected anything in return. What I gave I gave from love.

in return, I got a child who gives me things, from love. Not money, or things money can buy. But love.

we happily now share a house along with their much loved partner.

what I learned was that my child was not deprived because I couldn't buy them things. My child was rich, because they understood what love was, having experienced it, so could, and does, return it 10 fold.

That's so sad. I've heard the expression you gain a son in law but lose a son.