Warning to all mums

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

I get it. Also have friends with mid twenties dc who only get in touch rarely.
My ds will message or call may be once every three weeks but he is busy in the army.I
My dd doesn't txt or call much, sometimes I think is she going no contact?! Then I'll get a message.

I’m sorry that has happens to you but it hasn’t happened with my family. All our children and step children are very close and we see them all the time.

It’s a bit strange to measure one’s parenting by the lavishness of parties and holidays to Disneyland. And that ‘no expenses were spared.’
I hope they remember that they had a happy home, and that they were supported and encouraged in all their endeavours.
(No Disney holidays here and no lavish parties but a very comfortable life).

Well that’s your experience.
My daughter and granddaughter are very much in my life. Pretty much daily contact.

I wonder if you spoiled them and they didn't appreciate what you were doing for them.

Mine have all left but are in regular contact. I let them live their lives but they know I'm here whenever they need me (sometimes it's exhausting!)
I had a mother I couldn't speak to and didn't want to contact as much as she needed me to, so I made sure I'd never do that to them

To be honest it’s shocking that you don’t see more of your DC now they are adults. I can’t imagine why that would be?

Maybe something to do with your attitude?

As others have said, it sounds like a very transactional relationship OP. Children don’t ask to be born and don’t owe their parents for being given a good upbringing. My mother would say similar and try to guilt trip me all the time. She conveniently never mentioned how she emotionally and physically abused me, no it was all woe is me. I went no contact 4 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made.

Grew up in large poor family. Nowt fancy. Never went abroad until I was in my 20’s and had finished uni. Parties,trips ,stuff isn’t the definition of a good childhood or guarantee of Brady bunch familial bonding

I talk to my mum nearly every day. It used to be twice a week, until I had DS last year and needed her more than ever. We don't see each other very often because we live miles away from each other, but that's life.

I don’t know. I have a close family, see my parents weekly, siblings monthly, all very close.

But there are lots of factors. My parents are still together and my sister and I are very family oriented, brother goes with the flow. I live 5 mins from my parents.

I feel for you OP, I’m very aware this could happen to me, I’ve already told them they can’t move far away (joking, not joking)

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad

I would like to hear their side of the story too (as a pp said.) This is not my experience at all. OR the experience of anyone I know. Yes of course they fly the nest, get their own place, and don't visit as often as one may like - once every 3-4 weeks if we're lucky. But they are in touch most days, we visit them, and we know they have their own lives, and relationships and social lives, and careers. (And they are half hour's drive away.)

Something MUST have happened for your adult children to never - or rarely - be in touch. Our adult DC (now around 30) are in touch quite often with us (and us with them,) and they have certainly not 'discarded' us. (DH and I.)

As another poster said, you seem very focused on the money you spent on them.. Moreso than anything else...... 🤔

.

Why are you talking about money and not talking about love OP?

I was born late 60s. Had the stereoypical feral childhood of the 70s and 80s. Latchkey, walk it off, out until dark etc and I never abandoned my mother.

You seem like a wonderful mum. Have you looked into fostering? Your kids will value you one day when you’re not there or when they need help. They’ll remember.

Op I’m sorry you’re feeling this- I feel for my mum, we all married and couldn’t afford to live near her and she doesn’t see us enough because we’re all exhausted with work and kids and she can’t travel due to physical issues. I regret it and hope to make it right but it’s hard.

Sorry OP, I can't agree.
My mum is 96 and in a care home.
I see her at least three times a week, it's a pleasure not a chore.
She's given me so much in my life, it's the least I can do for her in her final years.

My mam was an alcoholic and looking back a bit mental. She was neglectful
and abusive, she left me altogether when I was 14 and I came to see her 5 years later, and spent years trying to have a relationship with her. I was 40 by the time I got it through my thick head that she wasn’t even capable of caring about me and my kids.
One of my daughters is schizophrenic and is obsessed with how much she hates me so fair enough, I don’t see her but she’s very ill, we used to be so close. My other daughter is 21 and a police woman, she’s busy with her job and has a nice boyfriend who takes up a lot of her time, (like they do) but she still comes over at least 2 nights a week and we meet for dinner and stuff. I hear from her every day as well, text messages. I think every family are different, I have heard about this situation that you’ve mentioned with people a lot but it’s not everyone.

Sounds like you did a good job. They’re independent and no longer need you. They’ll be back once they have children of their own.

Have they really discarded you - or are you expecting/asking more than they can give?

If they have, all of them, have you considered that the common denominator is you, rather than them?

What do you suggest people do to heed your warning - not give their children the best they can, not provide food, clothing, housing, education, enjoyable experiences, birthday parties. I mean why not feed them on gruel and small beer and clothe them in rags and boot them out at the first opportunity you get.

Maybe the warning should be don't over spoil your kids.

Alternatively, you’ve raised independent young folk who are out there doing their thing

It sounds like you spoiled them too much, to the point of them becoming entitled. Part of parenting is raising them to be nice, thoughtful people not just lavishing them with gifts, parties and extravagant holidays.

Maybe the message here is to give love and not money.

You seek to equate spending lots of money with being a good parent…