Warning to all mums

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

It varies. Some great parents seldom see their kids, some awful parents have their children dancing attendance on them, doing everything for them, even if they were feckless and emotionally abusive. Life isn't always fair. We've moved on from the days of thinking a woman is a bad wife if her husband mistreats her-we now blame him, like we should! Yet some people act as if parents always get what they deserve, as in if they've been good and loving, they'll have great adult relationships. Sometimes, yes. Not always-and that's before we consider things like illness, poverty, and if the kids have had to move far away.

lol not true at all. I am 31, baby on the way, moved away from home 3 years ago but FaceTime my mum 20 times a day and stay at hers for a night every 3 weeks. I am obsessed with her, she’s my bestie and probably gets sick of me being so clingy. We live close by to my in laws and see them weekly too - by choice!!

Are your kids young adults, OP? If they are, then I suggest to hang in there for a few more years. I doubt that they've discarded you, but they're probably having fun and enjoying their independence. I think I was the same when I was in my twenties - my parents were somewhat "out of sight, out of mind". Eventually I matured, stopped being so thoughtless, and made more effort to see them. I see my mum every week now, speak to her regularly on the phone and am in almost daily WhatsApp contact, so there's hope yet!

Since when do children know the value of money? How does having the best of everything (whatever that means) and multiple trips to Disney equate to solid relationships?

Do you have boys OP? I do think a much higher % of sons, as apposed to daughters, are poor at maintaining contact.
So sorry you are feeling discarded.

I disagree. My mum would have written what you have and she was absolutely stifling when I was a child, and really all my life. The burden of expectation was huge. Of course I therefore made huge efforts to give my children the tools to be independent, useful adult humans and they are. Live independent lives but usually I speak to them 4/5 times a week. We spend time together doing things we love. I expect nothing because it's unfair to push your need onto your children.

I don't agree with that OP. Some families may have this dynamic but not mine.

Isn't that the whole point of parenting? To make sure they manage to live their own lives?

Sure, it'd be nice if they include you in that.. but the whole point is the chick fledges and leaves the nest.

We shouldn't be in this with the view that anything we do for them means they OWE us anything once they've done so.

That's really definitely not true. I rang my Mum nearly every day except when she was too ill to want to talk to me. When she needed to move closer to me, I found a village and house I knew she would feel safe in. When she needed a nursing home I helped my Dad to find one. When she needs me to ring there, I ring.

Or...you did a bloody marvellous job raising your kids to be strong independent adults who can look after themselves?

Are you my DD? 😍

Children are not accessories nor an extension of the mother

You mothers (or fathers) obess over being a parent it is stifling and children will have enough afrer a while

I have 2 young children of my own and very much in love with my partner. I speak to my mum on the phone at least once a day, sometimes twice. She picks my son up from school every Thursday and make us Sunday dinner with enough for leftovers every single week. My brother does not have his own family yet and he probably speaks to my mum more than I do. He picks her up from work most days and takes her home and she still does his washing/ironing weekly just because. Funny think is growing up she couldn’t afford to take us to Disney!

You should have taken them to Disney world OP as we took ours - once - and they are popping back to us often , trailing partners sometimes, as much as they can be!

Seriously though - what is the issue? They have their own lives? Careers? They are living independently? If so, is that not great that you raised strong independent people who are contributing to society and making their way in the world?

I gave up a lot for my DC but I did that so they could go away from me and confidently 'launch". DH and I are loving watching ours making their mark, succeeding - we are also loving having time to focus on each other again after two decades of it being all about the DC.

We do not raise them to be constantly beside us, we raise them to flourish away from us and pop back if and when they want or need to do so.

I speak to my mum about 5 times a day. We live near each other and can pop in.
I think location is key, i grew up in an area close to a major city, its a nice area. Loads of career opportunities, there wasnt much reason to move anywhere else.
DH had a wonderful childhood but they moved across the globe a a lot then his parents settled in the back end of a beautiful rural nowhere. Needless to say its miles away from anywhere and we hardly see them.

Maybe its just a bad time for them atm. Everyone forgets about loved ones from time to time. Im sure it will get better, chin up op do things to take your mind off things, fun things for yourself it sounds like you are going through a low patch ❤

I’d do anything for my mum.

I don’t think it’s wise to universalise your experience.

I think you would have got a markedly different response if you had said "I've been discarded by my adult children and I don't know why. I did my best. Can anyone help me to understand?". When you (falsely) generalise your experience out to everyone else it immediately puts people's backs up.

I have my own life but I spoke to my mum every day until she died and brought her to live with me when she got ill at 58. She was a good mum and I loved her very much. I would never discard the people I love so either you did something wrong to them to create this or you raised your children wrong. I am close to my DC although they are still at home so we will see what happens when they leave. I am also close to my dad.

I'm 40 and speak to my mum every day. See her 2 or 3 times a week. Love her to bits. Love my dad to bits too but he's often pottering about in and out of the house doing hobbies and jobs so don't tend to see quite as much of him. My husband doesn't bother with his parents at all. I could never understand this and have tried really hard to keep contact with them over the years, i guess thinking I could be the one who bridges the gap and brings them together. However, after living close by them for a few years i now get why he feels the way he does and I too keep my distance. They're fake, selfish, passive aggressive, manipulative and push and push for their own way all the time. The moment they dont get what they want the narrative is edited and changed to make me / us look bad to other family members. It's exhausting and anxiety inducing.

My MIL gave me this crap when my baby son was two weeks old.

Except neither of her sons lives more than 40m away and they see her regularly. She wants big family get togethers that last forever and doesn't get that the more she demands the more that people pull away.

We're moving near to my parents, because although it's nice to see them, they could move next door and we wouldn't see them any more than we had to.

The only people I know who don't talk to their parents are ones who have had major issues with them, for whatever reason. Not necessarily NC, but sees them out of duty.
i hope my DC are never like that with me. If anything we’re closer now they’re young adults. As an adult I saw my late mum once a week and spoke about twice a week, she would’ve been v involved in DC’s lives had she not died.

This was so beautifully put. It made me tear up a bit.😪🥺

So where were your own parents whilst you were doing everything for your kids? Did you do the same thing to them and "discard" them when you had a family?

It's like adult kids can't win, if they still live with their parents they're failures who have disappointed them, if they leave and have their own lives they're ungrateful!