Warning to all mums

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

It’s not true in my case either. I adore my parents and I’ve loved our relationships as adults as much as our relationships when I was young. My oldest moved out and calls me most days. I didn’t discard my parents and my adult child hasn’t discarded me.
What has actually happened with your family?

Op my kids are still quite young so im aware that my view might be biased because unless things go terribly wrong I am probably going to be in their lives for at least another decade or so.

I always say that the job of a parent is to make themselves redundant (or as redundant as possible. I know in some cases this isn't possible).

You sound like you were a good parent and did a lot for your kids and your reward is the knowledge that you did right by your kids and the memories you made with them. Your reward is that you got to raise your children and the time you had with them.

I guess most parents miss their kids when they leave the nest. I know I will and I am not looking forward to it. And of course I hope that I will still be able to be in my kids' life but you cant take that for granted or think that they owe it to you.

It’ quite common with boys. Boys find girlfriends/wifes to replace their mums, or just stretch thei4cwings @ bit. I think though that sometimes it’s a good thing because you’ve helped them develop independence to create their own life’s. They do gravitate back to you once they’re married and settled with their own families. Unless of course you have the DIL from hell….

I think relationships can fluctuate- I was close to my mum, then distant, then close, then distant and back again. We are both very different people but she was always there for us. When we moved recently we made sure we had a room for them should they ever need it.

Was that a typo? You facetime your mum 20 times a day?! Whaaaaaaat??

I have done the same knowing this is mostly the case. You do all those things for them unconditional and some will be more in touch than others. There is never guaranteed and some will changed when they have their own families.

Boys find girlfriends/wifes to replace their mums, or just stretch thei4cwings @ bit.

Sorry, what was 'thei4wings' meant to say?

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this.

It’s not my experience: My kids are thirty-ish and we are very close. Speak and/ or text most days and get together about once a month for a weekend visit either here or there. They live in London for their jobs and we’re in Somerset.

It's not fair to generalize. Not all children are like yours, and not all mothers are like you.

I believe it all boils down to family bonds, culture, relationships, intimacy, and open communication while growing and living together, sharing experiences along the way.

If a family lacks any of these, or even just one, things can become very complicated, and connections can deteriorate easily.

My three young adult siblings are currently living with our parents while working full-time hybrid jobs. I lived with my parents too until I found a job in the city where I now reside, which was when I was 23 years old. We are a very close and tight-knit family.

It is possible in ypur scenario OP you spoilt them and now they dont recognise that love isnt something you feel its something you do?

You may have given them so much all they learnt was how to take. Because if they all treat you this way maybe the common denominator needs considering, and nor because you werent lovely but because you taught them you could be taken for granted

When I left home and became independent - my goodness I wanted to be just that. Free of obligation, no-one to question what time I'd come home or who I'd come home with. In my (narrow minded) opinion, at that time, my life was exciting and liberated. My parents' life was full of duty, boring routine, and staid conversation. I probably spoke to them on the phone a couple of times a month (and I probably sounded extremely bored about most of what they had to say).

I'm sure they were disappointed but they let me have my wings. I flew. Sometimes I crashed. And a few years later in a more stable period of my life, our relationship became more adult/adult. I felt more responsibility toward them and our relationship. They (mostly) released the judgement on my life choices - or at lesat they manage not to express it :)

With my own adult dc, I have a frequent interaction with one family, and a much less frequent interaction with the other (one lives in another country). But the love I feel for my dc does not change. The love I feel for my dgc is equal -easier for the local Uk speaking ones than for the dgc whose first language is not English. But that is just a difference in communication.

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad you are at a particular stage in your relationship with your adult children. Their needs and interests now may be far from yours. But there is always opportunity for that to change as you all get older. Keep as many doors open, communicate as much as seems reasonable (to them). I hope the warmth of your famly returns.

You gave t try hem what you gave from the love of your heart buoy also enabled them to become independent self-fulfilling adults that still value and love you and you should be immensely proud. It’s natural that they get on with their lives, and you yours. It must be a huge adjustment that they don’t need you constantly but this frees you up to be completely you and to live your own life. Try to enjoy it, and yo make it as you want it.

Yikes I’m going to try to remember to call my mum tomorrow 🫣 it’s been a while with busy half term and kids activities. I do love her dearly tho

I see my mother and father almost every day. I'm in my fifties and my parents are in their eighties. My mum is bedbound, mute, incontinent, and in the end stage of dementia. My dad is her carer (as well as paid help). They weren't perfect parents all the time (who is?!) but they did their best and have been kind and generous when it mattered.

All four of us children visit as often as possible. No day goes by in any week when my dad doesn't at least get one of us popping in for a cup of tea and a chat, often a much longer visit where we help with stuff and also just sit and be with them. We try to take my dad out so he gets a break too, though he is sometimes resistant to this!

If your children aren't treating you as part of their lives, consider how you have brought them up and what you've raised them to think of as important. For us, we know that we are all part of a family and need to do what we can to help everyone else in the family.

What was your relationship like with your mum? Were you still in regular contact when you became an adult?
I think a big part of being a parent is being able to teach them to be independent from you and be proud of the lives they are creating for themselves.
I'm very close to my mum even if we have had our ups and downs! Such is life.

Is this the kind of passive aggressive nonsense you put on your kids?

Sorry you feel that way. We don’t. Both of our kids are adults, one with her own family and home, the youngest at 22 about to move into his own home, with our help.
We've retired and moved away and we’re all embracing this new phase in all of our lives.
Of course we won’t see each other anywhere near as much as we did. Why would we? They have independent lives now, as do we again. We are incredibly proud of them and will enormously enjoy every time we meet up. That’s enough. Job done!

'Things' are not the same as love.

Facetime 20 times a day @PeachySmile2! That's about every 45 minutes for all the hours you are awake and even if you talk for only 10 minutes at a time.
How do you work or get anything done?

HRTFT. I have three adult DC, a DIL and GD. My experience is the opposite. I wonder what your DC would say...

Sadly I don’t think you’re going to get very supportive replies without a bit more backstory to this.
I can’t imagine many (any?) kids discarding a parent for zero reason! Maybe there are very good reasons why they’ve done this but for some reason you don’t (cant?) see it?

Trips to Disneyland does not a perfect Mum make
You might all benefit from some reflection on whether there was true connection there and not just financial or fancy holidays x

I do think DILs have a major role in this ( and I am not yet a MIL).

I am always astounded on MN the comments that get made about things like why shouldn't you just have Christmas with "your little family," and woe betide any MIL who buys clothing or a gift for the DC without consulting the Official List provided by the DIL of Gifts That Will Be Accepted (NB NO money should be expended on anything else as there are things we would like).

These dynamics drive wedges - and, actually, I think they are intended to.

Of course your MIL isn't as nice to have about as your own mum (normally) or the DH you chose. But it surprises me how DILS never stop to extrapolate this into a consideration of how they will feel is their "little family" decide to treat them the same in years to come. Of course, they are sure they won't be the same kind of "narcissist" MIL is ... You see it's not like they have opinions or like things their way or anything ...

And of course now we will hear a chorus of how it is in fact always MIL'S fault for having an opinion or wanting involvement ...

Not my experience, even though we never went in for the extravagant birthday parties and multiple holidays to Disneyland.

Maybe your children didn't like Disney?

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad Why not engage with the thread YOU started, rather than through out a provocative OP that is clearly not the case for the overwhelming majority of families, and then one more passive aggressive comment, rather than replying to some of the questions and comments ?