Warning to all mums

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

3 sides to every story…. Also every family dynamic is different, my mum was very similar to you op, we had a lot as kids and we are all super close with my mum.

Mine did not have extravagant holidays.
They did not have all their whims pandered to.
They had good home cooked meals. Clean comfortable home where their friends were welcomed and fed and safe .
They went to uni and returned.
all have great jobs and two have young children.
They all live within a five mile radius and I see them all the time .

It’s good they’ve been able to go off and lead independent successful lives.

Do you regret your earlier choices?

Does your username reflect lots of holidays - perhaps they feel you are off living your life or find it hard to schedule around you.

Have you tried to speak to them about it?

This is what I hope for, that my children are independent capable adults living their best lives.

I'd be interested to know, though, if OP had sons or daughters.

I guess if it's all mum's, you discarded your own mum then?

Being involved with your family isn't a failure to be capable or independent though.

No, my DD is at university and neither myself or my mum feel
discarded by her.

I live 150 miles away from my mum. We WhatsApp daily and I try and visit every few weeks.

Why don’t you hear from your children? Do you make contact first?

My kids love me. We get on great, love spending time together and have a right laugh. So...😊

It makes me sad to hear these generalisations. My eldest son is a young adult and hasn't lived with me for a few years, he stays about an hours drive away. I speak to him pretty much daily. He started a new job today and called me 10 minutes after he finished to tell me how it went, I'd planned on waiting until I thought he'd be home, but he got in there first!

He doesn't live with anyone or have a family though, so maybe that'll change then?!

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad how does the communication go? Is it always only you texting/calling/asking to meet up, or are neither of you doing it?

My ex husband done the same to his parents, they done everything for him and he pretty much abandoned them. I on the other hand have a great relationship with them.

Im close to my dad but no contact with my mum for her behaviours.

Sometimes it’s sheer selfishness and sometimes, there is actually a reason that they may not want to disclose for the fear of being dismissed or denied- that’s my mums go to. Other times, life just gets in the way.

Hear, hear. We’d consider that success.

What’s your relationship with your own mum like OP?

Not always, but probably happens reasonably frequently. Not necessarily correlated with their upbringing. Enjoy happy memories. These are yours forever. My guess is you feel a bit low at the moment, so do something nice for yourself.

I'm 39 and I'm in touch with my mum pretty much every day. She stays with us a couple of nights a week and has her own bedroom at our house. The only time we don't see her for extended periods of time is when she's in the states staying at my brother's.

I'm a SAHM, my kids have a pretty great life but I enjoy being at home with them, I'm not a martyr to it. My only wish for the future is that they live the best, most fulfilling life they possibly can. They don't owe me anything, but I hope we stay close.

As a parent, you dont do those things expecting anything back, you do it to give your children happy Iives!

Of course it's lovely if you create a special bond that lasts, but that's not something that can be bought, that something that is forged and depends heavily on personalities.

I loved being a young working adult and taking my mum out as a treat to things like the theatre and buying her expensive birthsay presents. As a middle aged woman and a parent myself, I don't have quite so much disposable income, but we still go away together once a year and very much support each other and enjoy spending time together.

I hope my relationship with my DC will be similar, but if they grow up and life leads them in a different direction, that's fine, as long as they are happy, and if they're not happy, my door will always be open. I don't expect friendship from my DC, I have lovely, longstanding friends for that (although admittedly, it would be nice).

I'd actually consider well-adjusted and thoughtful dc who didn't shy away from relationships but rather embraced them was a success too.

Maybe they’re just happy and busy and independent and getting on with their lives?

That certainly wasn't my experience, OP. My mum was my favourite person in the whole world and I remained very close to her until the day of her death. .

Yep, think is what I strive for.

It depends on the parents.

DP and I both had childhoods that were, frankly, shit. Our parents were controlling, manipulative and unsupportive. We were sent to crap schools despite better ones being available. corporal punishment was used liberally at home and at school. Little attention was paid to our health or other needs. My parents treated DP like dirt for most of the first decade we were together. None of our parents gave us any financial support when we needed it. None of them provided childcare or other support when their grandkids were young.

We have consciously chosen to live a flight and several hours drive away from our parents. I speak to them as little as possible and try to keep visits to a minimum. You reap what you sow.

Eeew no don't do this. Really cringe and comes across as embarrassingly needy. Just the sort of thing to give a child of any age the absolute horrors 😨

You’re talking silly bollocks.

it’s certainly not like that for everyone so no need to warn ALL MUMS!

The kids leaving home, growing up and becoming functioning independent adults is what we all strive for, no?

I have one DD who lives abroad and one at uni and I don’t feel discarded by either of them. We have great relationships, are very close and speak and text all the time.

Isn’t that part of our roles as mums, to make our dc independent. I expect my dc to have a change of focus once they have careers/families but I hope they will involve me in their lives. However, I also have a life and identity beyond my dc so I’m not reliant on them.
I message my mum most days but rarely phone her. I can fit messages around life but finding an hour for a call when I work full time and have 3 dc is hard. I see my parents roughly once a month but can be longer. I love them but life is busy and they live an hour away.
we see pil twice a year now. They live 4 hours away and are hard work. They love dc but are not relaxing guests. Dc have busy weekends so going to pil being a full weekend isn’t possible. We did make more effort when dc were little. Dh probably rarely messages his mum. But she doesn’t message him either.
Family dynamics vary. I do appreciate it’s hard if reality doesn’t match your expectations.