Boarding school syndrome

[boardingschoolwife]

I’d love to chat with people who’s dealing with a spouse that may be experiencing the boarding school syndrome.

The lack of love they received during their teenage years. Unable to pass down the love they think they have towards their own children. Always critical, no matter how hard their kids try (and do well). Always think they’re the best at everything. Very critical towards their spouse. Think their family are happy purely because of their existence.

I don’t know if I can tolerate this anymore.

My brother was sent to boarding school aged 8. He witnessed all sorts of abuse at secondary school too - both students and teachers. Some student on student abuse was sexual.

He's raised the question with my parents about why they sent him away so young but it was the done thing in their social circle in those days and my parents couldn't cope with the challenge. They think they did the best for him.

He's had counselling and wrote to a boy who he didn't help during a severe bullying incident aged 11 because of the guilt. He has come to terms with it and would never send any of his children away. Indeed he is a very good hands on father.

Was your spouse bullied or treated abnormally at school? Has he had counselling as an adult? I would suggest you try to find out and suggest counselling together so that your spouse can see the impact his /her behaviour is having on you and your children.

You have my sympathy. That sounds horrid.

@harryhole never tried counselling. He would absolutely hate the idea of it! He truly believes there is nothing wrong with him and thanks his parents for sending him away.

But thanks for sharing your brother’s stories. This makes me feel hopeful for those that want to be a good father and a family member. So glad it’s worked out for him.

Well, this might not all be to do with boarding school, you know. I know a couple of men who went to boarding school and they might be a bit emotionally repressed but they don't talk down to their wives. Something an arsehole is just an arsehole, wherever he went to school.

I think you need to tell him straight that you are not happy in the marriage, and ask him if he wants to stay married. If the answer is yes, it's counselling, no arguments.

I don't have personal experience with it, but have a close friends whose husband fits the description. Counselling has really helped them. I also found this an interesting read, largely about the author's experience of being sent at the age of 8.

https://uk.bookshop.org/p/books/sad-little-men-inside-the-secretive-world-that-shaped-boris-johnson-richard-beard/6825561?ean=9781529114805&next=t

I know this term can be used very loosely but they sound like narcissistic traits which aren't exclusive to people who went to boarding school. He's unlikely to change and you'd probably be wasting your time and energy trying and waiting for change.

Narcissism, yes for sure. But I also feel that if you weren’t taught to do something you don’t know it exists. For example, giving unconditional love. Dinner times are the worst. I always hope he comes home late enough so we have dinner first and leave some for him so we can actually freely talk about how our day went.

What does he do at dinner time? Ban conversation?

I was a day pupil at Boarding school nd the majority of men I have kept in contact with from those days are divorced now.
Bear Grylls speaks on this quite a lot
I met a lovely man (ageed 40) last week who was sent away to board from age 7 and who has had years of therapy but doesn't really have a relationship with his parents now. He said that a car rattling on rough ground triggers him as the driveway to his school had a cattle grid and the bump of going over it meant he was back at school. He actually didn't hate school but he always felt abandonned. He is very socialble and has a great life now but even before he told me what type of school he went to I had a pretty good idea. He told me that he fits in anywhere but belongs nowhere.
Of course some men are just arseholes and the type of school they went to is irrelevant but BSS is certainly a thing IMO

Yes, I know a few. They are entertaining, good company, but without exception, their default setting is self protection.

One thing about our friends, until they started counselling, he absolutely refused to believe it had affected him. He's sporty and clever and escaped the majority of the bullying, so having an outright terrible experience isn't a necessary component.

Mine boarded from age 6. Although it definitely affected him negatively, he is always willing to talk about it and takes responsibility for how he behaves and how he makes other people feel.

It's not normal to dread your life partner coming home. You don't have to live like that.

DH boarded by choice from age 10. He says he enjoyed it. It has definitely affected him IMO - his default setting is to deflect or withdraw and he definitely protects himself from anything that might embarrass him. I don’t think he knows what a really close, open relationship looks like and it would probably make him deeply uncomfortable. Getting any sort of emotion out of him is a bit like blood from a stone. Classic British family where nobody ever raised voices but also nobody ever said what they feel.

However I don’t recognise some of what you describe. Critical towards spouse and thinking they are the best - nope. That’s on him not boarding school. (Although there are one or two schools where I think they teach the boys they are God Almighty and women are help meets).

My DH's parents both went to boarding school. They are now in their 80s. Very kind people but they don't know how to express any kind of emotion really. Talking to them about anything serious is like talking to a politician, always deflecting and not actually answering the question. None of their kids went to boarding school but my DH said life was very difficult with them as parents as they seemed to live in this pretend sort of bubble where everything was "fine" and any sort of emotional problem was met with a head in the sand kind of approach.

My ex partner and father of my children didnt go to boarding school but a private school.
What you are saying about your husband sounds a lot like him. But I would describe my ex as a narcissist. ( lots more to it)
He puts the kids down all the time. Used to put me down too. Was and still is very controlling. Nothing is ever good enough. Nobody does stuff as well as him and oldest child's really great sats results apparently were horrendous, younger child's school report was disappointing etcetc

What kind of life is this for you and your children? Does it really matter what the reason is if you're avoiding him to this degree? Don't waste your life waiting for him to change.

I don’t think this is a boarding school thing, OP. I think you’re blaming it on that so you don’t have to face up to the unfortunate fact you appear to have married an arse.

Have you thought about how divorce would look and how you could split things? Sounds like you’d all be a lot happier?

My spouse was sent to boarding school, and was parented much the way you describe. He then lost his father while he was a teen. He has several siblings who also had the same experience.

He doesn't behave anything like the way you describe, and neither do any of his siblings. He is very loving, kind, generous, and adores our kids. He's actually far better at parenting and unconditional love than I am, although I've found counseling very helpful over the years.

I think the solutions for you are either your spouse accepts there is a problem, and goes for counseling, or if he refuses to accept there is a problem then your relationship is over.

I had a boyfriend who was sent to boarding school at age 7… he seemed normal until I went to meet the parents.. he called his father ‘sir’ .. which was weird , conversation between them was like watching someone apply for a job they were never going to get. However when I walked into the kitchen and he was sitting on his mother’s lap twiddling her hair .. it was time to leave.

He wasn’t the only ex boarder I knew growing up. Most were boys. Without exception they were completely fucked up one way or another. They all grew up with immense privilege in terms of wealth .. and extreme poverty in terms of love.

when you subcontract parenting out to a business’ which is what boarding schools are .. then I believe that makes you a neglectful parent. It shouldn’t be permitted in this day and age until a minimum age of 16.

I think you're looking for something to explain his behaviour, and settled on boarding school. The reality is that his behaviour is abusive, towards yiu and your children.

My ex was exactly the same - exactly. And he went to a state day school. But he was raised in such away that it broke his self esteem, hence the narcissistic behaviour.

Please get yourself some counselling. The book "the verbally abusive relationship " is very good.

I left, and my children and I are so much happier and healthier as a result.

I have boarding school syndrome. But I know I have it and hold resentment at my parents sending me away and ignoring my daily crying phone calls and not moving me out of that school until I literally starved myself.

If your husband doesn't seem bothered by going to boarding school and thinks it was ok like you said then does he have boarding school syndrome? Or are the traits you described just his personality?

Narcissism is a personality disorder, I'm not saying that he has that, he couldn't be diagnosed from on online post but if you think it is that many personality disorders stem from being neglected/abused as a child. Personality Disorders are controversial diagnosis and sometimes misdiagnosed but I have worked with people who do have them. They are real, they are also incurable. There is support for the symptoms but it's in the title really, they are personality traits that don't really go away. I
You are not going to heal him with unconditional love. If you've already got DC that he always criticises you've obviously been together a while. If he's not changed by now there is little hope that he ever will.

Just to add as well, about having BSS. I resent my parents yes. But my husband and my children I love so much and would never ever treat them badly because I know what it feels like to feel 'sent away' and feel unwanted. I am so grateful for them. I probably over protect them.

Sounds like your husband simply isn't very nice which may be his upbringing from his parents themselves or his personality type. I don't think it's BSS. You sound unhappy and I'm sorry for that, maybe you should explore separating and being happier without him? Xx

Thank you all for your comments. I am now starting to wonder whether his traits are really related to BSS as I stated on my original post or something else.

The fact that he bullies our DS telling him everything that he’s doing wrong I’m guessing stems from his childhood, though I don’t have a clue what. DH and DS have similar personalities they are both very intelligent and all rounders. However DH adores our DD to bits (she is less high anchieving than DS) always praising her for everything she does.

Some of you have mentioned I might be better off separating from him but the kids love him so much (even DS) they wouldn’t even consider leaving him, so the only thing I could do is for me to leave by myself but they would also hate that as I am very close to them too.

I would personally be happier being away from him however. Will consider therapy even if just for myself (I’ve had therapy myself for various things as I’ve had difficult upbringing which is very different from DH’s)

DH and his father’s relationship is very similar to what you’ve described. I feel he’s quite detached from his mother though. Funnily enough the in laws have never really been a problem - they keep the distance in a nice way.