Boarding school syndrome

[boardingschoolwife]

I’d love to chat with people who’s dealing with a spouse that may be experiencing the boarding school syndrome.

The lack of love they received during their teenage years. Unable to pass down the love they think they have towards their own children. Always critical, no matter how hard their kids try (and do well). Always think they’re the best at everything. Very critical towards their spouse. Think their family are happy purely because of their existence.

I don’t know if I can tolerate this anymore.

This. You're describing exactly how a narcissist treats their children, and he will ruin your children's mental health. Both of them in different ways.

It doesn't really matter why your husband is the way he is, finding out why he's like that doesn't excuse his current behaviour and it won't make it stop. He's choosing to do that, as an adult. Don't pity the child he was, recognise that adults have a choice in how they behave.

You have a choice too, and if you walk away you will show your children you don't accept that behaviour and they shouldn't either.

I saw this with much kindness, because I know just how hard it is, but don't waste any more of your children's childhoods with him.

There's a better life out there for you all. You could have dinner alone together every evening. You could make all the rules and have a household of your own, make your children feel home is somewhere they can feel happy, relaxed and safe. Even if they still need to see him, they'll have you to come home to, a you who isn't trapped and repressed, trying to sooth a tyrant whilst trying to protect your children. That doesn't leave any space for them to know the real you.

You can't be a great parent with someone like that in your life. If he's not there, you can be a great parent and you children at least stand a chance of seeing how you should treat people and that they deserve to be loved as they are.

Incidentally, I have 3 extended family members who went to boarding school, they have their quirks, and one of them is still upset age 67 at being sent away so young (5!), but they're still kind hearted people. I went to BS when I was a teen (loved it). None of us are like your husband.

Your problem is not BS, its that you're married to someone your describing to have all the traits of narcissistic personality disorder.

If you'd hate the idea of your daughter growing up to marry someone like that, then don't accept it for yourself. Show yourself the same love you have for her.

I absolutely adored boarding school. It was small, cosy and friendly, the teachers and house staff and older girls loved and looked out for us and encouraged us in all our interests, and I think it was quite possibly the happiest time of my life.

My parents were very loving and our home life was pleasant, and my dad also went to a similarly cosy and fun boarding school which he loved too.

The difference, however, is that I went at 13 and it was my choice. I cannot imagine people sending their 6, 7, 8 year olds away and how damaging that must be.

This does sound more like a combination of narcissism and being a self centred git to me

Boarding school can be tough, and may have played a part, but you really cannot blame everything you describe on them - they can create some issues but they aren't arsehole factories

I would stop making excuses for him and consider if you want to be with this man

I was sent to boarding school because I wasnt wanted by my stepfather. They went abroad, had more kids and I never went home again. I spent holidays with various relatives who put up with me is all I can say. My mother would send me photos of the fun times her new family were having, their holidays, birthdays and what have you. Im not sure she actually even thought of how that would affect me.
I am very far removed from your husband's behaviour. I had zero self esteem for years and don't trust people. I live with my cats, work hard and have only a few friends. Relationships are right out.
Quite honestly I think your husband is behaving like an unsocialised person which is common for borders which affects us all in very different ways and doesn't know how to behave in a loving family relationship. Borders tend to be feral and emotionally crippled. I think unless he is prepared to spend a lot of money on therapy the relationship is dead in the water.

this. absolutely this.

Look into narcissistic families. The unstable leader (person with narc traits) always picks a family member to use as a scapegoat, so they don't have to face any negative traits they themselves have. I grew up in a family like this. Your daughter is the golden child by the sounds of it and although it sounds like a good role, it also causes a lot of damage (including damaging her relationship with her brother over time). The more educated you are on this family system and the damage it does, the better.

That's B.A.A. Syndrome.
Being An Arsehole 👍

Maybe, if he wouldn’t consider counselling for himself, you might be able to talk him into a parenting course together?

I strongly believe that whilst boarding school syndrome exists, those who suffer from it are those who would have been susceptible to mental health problems regardless. It just manifests in those who boarded in that way. You only need to look at the numbers of state school educated kids needing help to see that all sorts of kids have problems. Add in ND and its a perfect storm.

I'm sorry. Everyone probably thinks other things as well. The three men I am thinking of (and like very much, but a little goes a long way) have other boarding school characteristics. They are basically very good at posh scrounging. A bed for the night. A small loan. A long lift. An introduction to someone useful. They are the sort who ended up stranded 20 miles away and need to be picked up. They don't bring presents at Christmas.
But they make you laugh. They love, love, love dogs, theirs and other people's. They always have an anecdote. They eat anything, with enjoyment and say how good it is. They are as comfortable to be with as a good fire on a cold night.

I think when children don't feel loved and accepted by a parent they work extra hard to get it. This can look like they adore the parent, but they're actually just desperately trying to get their love, and being rejected over and over again. So they want it more, try harder.

Children have the instinct to try over and over again to get that parent to love them. They think it's all their fault that they aren't loved. They love the parent and it never dawns on them it might be the parent's fault, they just assume it's their own fault and there's something wrong with them. They're not good enough.

It just leads to lifelong low self esteem.

If your son adores his father, then he must believe the problem is himself.

@boardingschoolwife a few people are running with this theme but before everyone decides to pathologise your husband, when you have been to an all male BS, the expectations that he was raised by will understandably be passed onto his son…people don’t understand the competitiveness of the environment and need to repress emotions and vulnerability that boys historically had to do to survive BS. having a daughter is far less triggering and many men can allow their parenting to be softer and more loving for daughters.

Bear Gryll’s kids go to boarding school

With respect - the thinking and evidence has really changed on this and whilst I understand this has been perceived wisdom for a very long time, luckily there is now hope for people with diagnoses of personality disorders who can be helped by skillful therapeutic intervention

My ex and his sister were both sent to boarding school and they are both fucked emotionally. I think it’s a combination of feeling of abandonment from a young age but also the parenting of that age/social circle where nothing ever gets discussed and problems are swept under the carpet. He even has enough self awareness to recognise all this and has had several rounds of therapy but his issues are so deep seated and his system so hard wired to always react with anger, look for threat where there is none, not understand what love (or home life - don’t even get me started on the lack of basics of running a household) and at the same time the feeling of superiority over everyone else. I left in the end because I couldn’t take it any longer, I thought I’d get seriously ill from grief and stress. My life immediately became happier and more peaceful.
Thankfully my ex doesn’t seem to be repeating the patterns with our kids and is a committed and loving father. OP this sort of wiring is hard to change even for someone who wants to. I don’t post often and I never told anyone to leave their relationship but I urge you to protect yourself and your kids because this is no way to spend your life. I really feel for you.

Thank you. My son and I occasionally have nice long chats. About his feelings, about mine and how proud of him I am, and nothing stops me from loving him as he is. We also talk about his father - that he probably wants you to achieve what he couldn’t as a teenager, but that’s not ok and I am not happy with this.

The trouble is that even if it can be cured, they would need to recognise the issue and be commited to change which I'd say is very unlikely for someone with narcissistic personality disorder.

Just wanted to say thank you to all who have kindly commented on here and shared their thoughts and experiences.

DH is home and is in a good mood, chatting to DS as if nothing happened.

I’ve sent him a text and demanded him to read up on narcissistic parenting, the family scapegoat and the golden child, and that his behaviour needs to stop right away otherwise I am leaving him.

He’s read my message.

My mum went to boarding school at 8 and I feel like it scarred her for life.

Hi OP. This is interesting to me as my DH also went to boarding school and shares some similar traits. He isn’t great at empathy with me or his mates, and has pretty much zero emotional connection to his (rather dreadful) parents.

With the kids, he can be a bit impatient and slightly critical about certain things (table manners seem to be a particularly big thing) - but he’s generally very warm and loving. He certainly wouldn’t be asking ‘what have you achieved today?’ …and seeing the healthy dynamics within our own family has made him think about certain things, namely the decision his parents made and what it says about them as people. He is more honest now about how fucked up the whole BS experience was than he was when we first met.

You can’t rewrite his history and I’ve learned to accept that giving me amazing emotional support won’t always be my DH’s forte (though he is great in a crisis). I will, however, call him out on it if he is being hard on the kids etc. He always tells them that he loves them and is very proud of their achievements, whatever they are - and I think that’s what matters as long as they know that. The odd bit of emotional repression or being uptight over manners is annoying to me, but none of us are perfect and as long as he is able to communicate the really important stuff, that’s what matters.

Like your DH, OP - my husband would be enormously reticent towards therapy…but if I felt things were really negative as a result of his background, it would be ultimatum time from me. As it is, we seem to manage ok…

Dh went to boarding school. He has told me before that until he met me he had never felt loved.

He is nothing like you describe. He never, ever puts me or the dc down. On the contrary, he acts like I'm God's gift or something (I'm really not).

Loves us all completely unconditionally, would be willing to die for us (and it's not just saying that, he did in fact put himself seriously in harm's way for ds and me and has never once complained about the lifelong consequences of doing so).

Doesn't think he's the best at anything despite the fact that he usually is. And it's taken me 35 years to persuade him that we are happy for his existence, and don't actually secretly wish he wasn't there (we're getting there).

He is incredibly supportive (and grateful) of my relationship with dc. He once told me 'when I see you being so loving with our boys, the little boy inside who never felt loved heals a little'. It was and remains the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

I’ve just left a job that I loved due to the new supervisor being exactly like this. She is also a product of boarding school. It all makes sense now. Most of her traits are listed here. Nothing I can do about it now but it’s interesting.

Yeah, absolutely NPD is difficult to work with for this reason, but there are other personality disorders which can be treated much more successfully. oPs husband sounds like a lost cause to me, very like my father who we spent years making excuses for and thinking counselling would fix. He had no intention of changing, he was quite happy making everyone miserable

This is so sad.

I feel very very sorry for those sent away so young. I don't think children should be allowed to board (outside exceptional medical/health circumstances where it's the only way to receive an education) until they are at least 13. I would not send my child away from his home and family even at that age tbh.

My DF went to boarding school and we always had this - What did you achieve today?
Ugh. And only certain conversations allowed at the table.
I also used to say, nothing really, despite knowing it would cause a scene, because it was better than having whatever else I had to say picked over.